It's Official: Bottom Shelf Booked!

So yes, I have dropped off the face of the planet for a while. But now that our wedding is officially in the history books, I'm hoping to get back on the ball soon. (I'm hoping that marriage won't take the edge off of my juvenile sense of humor.)

For those of you who were wondering, everything went off even better than we could have imagined: perfect weather, beautiful ceremony, GREAT party... it reminded us that we are truly blessed with amazing friends and family. And in case you're curious as to what a Big Fat Jewish Buddhist Vietnamese American California Wedding looks like, you can get a taste of it with these preview pics at the AHS Photography site, courtesy of Amy and Aaron, the dynamic duo that helped document the day for us!

Now, time to head back to the bookstore/library to see what I've been missing out on this past month!

BSB Flashback: Corduroy

10 October 2007

Author/Illustrator: Don Freeman

This is the classic tale of a department store bear who goes out in search of his missing button. In the process, he finds more than a button... he finds friendship and discovers the power of love.

Re-reading this heartwarming book tickles the little nostalgia bone in even the most hardened souls out there. Not only because of Corduroy's triumph, but because the story hearkens back to a simpler time, a Golden Age for Toys... long before things started to go horribly and profoundly wrong.

It's hard to pinpoint exactly when the downward spiral began, but there is no denying that the Age of Innocence is now no more than a distant memory.

Key Moments in the Descending Decency of Toys

Chucky: Not only did this bloodthirsty doll strike fear in children everywhere with its campy gore, but it somehow managed to spawn a lengthy Child's Play series, extending Chucky's reign of terror into the present day.



Left: Seed of Chucky. The low point of pop culture? The low point of all culture? The low point, period?








Tickle Me Elmo: Tyco somehow convinces the world that toys possessed by the devil would be perfect for Christmas.



Left: Comes with free exorcism kit, complete with vial of (faux) holy water. The power of Big Bird compels you!






Toy-tal Recall: Mattel recalls millions of toys because a manufacturer in China used dangerous lead paint... proving that dolls don't have to come alive and wield sharp knives to be deadly.




Left: Barbie. Apparently, her looks can kill.











Threat Level Tonka: The Transportation Security Administration announces that they will start paying extra attention to all radio-controlled toys in airports because they can be used to detonate bombs.



Left: Weapons of Fast Destruction: Batteries Not Included






And then, just when you thought things couldn't get any worse, last week came this latest sordid bit of news:

MR. POTATO HEAD IN ECSTASY BUST: "Customs officers discovered nearly 10.5 ounces of ecstasy tablets hidden inside a Mr. Potato Head toy sent to Australia from Ireland, the agency said Thursday."

















Oh dear.

Yes this is tragic... but deep down, didn't we all see this coming? After his surprising success in Toy Story and Toy Story 2, it was only a matter of time before Potato Head was swept up by the wave of his newfound celebrity.

First came the funky hipster glasses, then the pretentious moustache, and then smuggling a body cavity filled with MDMA across international borders. According to an unconfirmed source, police searched Potato Head's luggage and found a box of glowsticks, 5 cartons of lollipops, and 26 extra smile accessories. Though this is the first time he was caught by the police, Potato Head has been seen living it up with Hollywood's party elite for months now. Next month's US Weekly will have the exclusive exposé, Mr. Potato Head: Lovable Spud or "Raving" Lunatic?


Left: Paparazzi capture a shot of Mr. Potato Head at a rave in downtown L.A.






So as you can see, between the War on Terror and the Bowels of Hollywood, toys have long abandoned the idyllic shelves of the Rockwell-era department stores. Since then, they have traveled down a dark and twisted path to a point where they can no longer be trusted, let alone loved.

So what now? Is there any hope?

Well, let me tell you a story. Long ago, a brave little bear named Corduroy set off into the unknown in search of his lost button. Now it's our turn to follow in his footsteps. Are we brave enough to march into the void to search for our lost innocence, not knowing what we might find?



Heck NO! No, we are NOT brave enough for that! Retreat! RETREAT!!!

Yes We Can (Read Harry Potter)!

From MotherReader, who heard this gem from Obama this past week:

There was one question in particular of interest to us book lovers, and that came from a woman who asked what Obama would say to young writers. He was surprised by the question, which he admitted was one he hadn’t heard before, but didn’t hesitate to answer. He referenced his two books, and specifically mentioned how he wrote them himself, along with many of his speeches. With a light inflection, he said, “In terms of getting a job, knowing how to write is a good thing.” He talked about how he kept a journal, and how it was important for teaching him not only how to write, but also how to think. But my favorite part was when he said, “Over the course of four years I made time to read all of the Harry Potter books out loud to my daughters. If I can do that and run for president, then you can find time to read to your kids. That’s some of the most special time you have with your children.”

Wow. As someone who works in the field of literacy, this is pure gold. Now if I could only find a way to get my hands on a taped recording of Obama reading Harry Potter, then I'd be rich! It would be almost as good as this politico-kid's lit classic:



(Note: this isn't meant to draw any subconscious association between Obama and Jackson other than the fact that they are politicians who happen to be featured reading kid's books.)

(Another Note: I'm a little behind and I just caught the clip of Jackson saying he wants to _____ Obama's ______ off. Yikes! Apparently there are some things he dislikes even more than green eggs and ham.)

Non Picture Book Related Note: Showing My Age

"These idiots should have their licenses immediately revoked and then be punched in the face."

-My immediate reaction to the popular Facebook group "I Text Message People While Driving and I Haven't Crashed Yet!".

Yes, I am slowly turning into a grumpy old man.



"Stupid kids! And turn that music down!"

DVD Special Features: Interview with Director Joachim Trier

Don't ask us how we got our hands on this DVD Special Feature before the DVD even came out... just be glad for our ninja-like skills here at Bottom Shelf Books. So, without further ado, here is an excerpt from an interview with the director of the critically acclaimed Reprise with a surprising shout out to a beloved children's book classic.

------------

Question: Where did you get your idea for this story?

Well, you see, the story is about two young boys who submit their novels for publication. We thought that this would speak to a lot of people because, pretty much everyone we know has a novel that they are working on. So it's not autobiographical in a literal sense, only in the sense that we all have that urge to reveal our creative side to the world, it is what I call a universal biography. As I tell my friends, it is The Unauthorized Biography of a Basic Human Condition.

That didn't sound too pretentious, did it?

And yes, the internet rumors are true.... the idea for this story did first come from the children's book The Monster at the End of this Book (starring lovable furry old Grover). I used to read this book all the time as a kid. I found it absolutely fascinating and it played a large role in shaping my artistic and narrative style.

For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of reading Monster, the book is about Grover who is terrified about finishing the book because there is a terrible monster waiting at the end of it. Every page he tries to deter the reading, trying to convince him or her not to turn the page, anything to get them to not finish the book.

I reread this in college and it really struck me on a personal level. As someone with his own aspirations as a novelist, I saw Grover as the manifestation of all those internal roadblocks that were preventing completion. He was the sharp toothed monster of self doubt, the nebulous beast named procrastination, the debilitatingly strong giant's grip of writer's block... and any other of the millions of reasons why most of us never finish that book that we're working on.

However, at the end of Monster, we realize that the monster waiting for us was Grover himself. The real monster was the self-doubt and fear that was causing us not to push towards the finish line. Phewf!



I even wrote about this phenomenon for my final paper in English 420: Critical Thinking and the Author. The paper was called, Nothing To Fear But Fear Itself: How the Grover Complex Undermines the Creative Process Before Conception.

I won't tell you what I got on the paper, but let's just say that, pretentious titles aside, there's a reason I'm making movies instead of writing.

So at the time, Grover represented the internal stuggle to realize one's creative potential. But then, as some of my friends began to finish their novels, I realized that I was wrong. There is something to fear at the end of the book. That finishing one's torturous first novel is not the cathartic experience that everyone thinks it will be.

So many people fixate on the journey to completing their first novel that they don't realize that this is only the beginning. Writers don't realize that once they give birth to their first book, there is often something sinister waiting for them at the end... Reprise is a movie about this realization, about the journey after the journey. It is a movie about the real monsters waiting for you at the end of the book.

Because once you finally do finish, you come to the sobering realization that you are not completely self-actualized, that you have not reached the mountaintop, but are standing at the edge of a gaping canyon that will swallow you whole if you are not careful. Failure, Success, Fame, Obsolescence, the Publishing World... indeed, there are many monsters at the end of your first book. And unfortunately, these monsters are neither lovable nor furry.

Did I mention that this movie is a comedy?

In the News: Pig in Boots

Talk about a kid's book that writes itself:



"An English piglet that was scared of mud has gotten over her fears, after being equipped with some miniature Wellington boots. Cinders, who lives on a farm in North Yorkshire, apparently suffers from mysophobia, a fear of dirt; she refused to join her siblings as they wallowed in the muck. Then owner Andrew Keeble's 12-year-old daughter, Ellie, suggested outfitting the pig with the tiny footwear, which had been adorning some key rings. 'Lo and behold, they fitted her like a glove,' said Ellie's father. Keeble, who runs a sausage company, said that Cinders would be spared the grinder. 'She's more of a pet really, now, and she's going to live a very long and happy life." (-from The Week)

No! That's Wrong!

Authors/Illustrators: Zhaohua Ji and Cui Xu

No! That's Wrong! is a lot of silly fun with wonderful illustrations... and a brilliant underlying message about the steady democratization of information.

Plot summary: A passing wind lifts a pair of underwear off a clothesline and sends them flying onto the head of a rabbit. The rabbit immediately thinks that this is a hat and goes off to share the fancy new accessory with his friends. The rabbit's friends all agree that it is a fabulous hat, but an invisible chorus keeps calling in from the borders of each page to correct the wayward bunny. (No! That's Wrong!) A vagabond donkey even comes up to correct the rabbit by showing him a men's underwear catalogue. The rabbit tries to conform to conventional wisdom, but in the end decides to rebel against the chorus and wear it as a hat... if he says it's a hat, then by golly, it's a hat! And a fabulous one at that!

The passing wind that serendipitously lifted that pair of underpants? That wasn't just some randomly mischievous breeze... those were the winds of change.

It is clear that Rabbit represents the current information revolution that is drastically altering the way in which we view the world. We live in a world where we no longer need to be confined by the definitions that are handed down to us from on high.

Look around you and you'll see the signs all over the place. The mainstream news media is being undermined by bloggers. CNN runs regular segments about the latest video on YouTube. The encyclopedia is being supplanted by Wikipedia. We no longer collect information, we create it.

All of which are signs that we no longer need to rely on the establishment for our information and that we are looking at the eventual demise of the traditional concept of authority. Case in point: The character of the donkey is an especially targeted attack on the waning reputation and crumbling prestige of Academia.












The donkey (or jackass) appears in thrift store suit like so many disheveled college professors in their ratty corduroy jackets. The donkey attempts to assert his authority on the matter of the underpants, but ultimately it is in vain. Academia, which for so long had the power of authority and an almost monopolistic claim over knowledge is slowly losing it's edge. The ivory tower has lost some of its sheen.

(Question: Is the fact that the donkey pulls out a men's underwear catalogue meant to represent the conservative accusation of the uber-liberalization of the academic elite and its alleged disregard for "traditional" family values?)

By refusing to kowtow to the naysayers of the establishment and tearing down the borders of the page, Rabbit is releasing himself and his compatriots from the arbitrary confines placed upon them by the power elite. As noted linguist Noam Chomsky wrote:

"Unfortunately, the act of 'definition' is the most widely accepted form of oppression in the world today. By assigning arbitrary 'meaning' to arbitrary words, restrictions are being placed on the very way in which we are allowed to think. Limiting our ability to think limits the ability to communicate, which in turn limits the ability to act as a group, which ultimately limits our ability revolt. It is precisely these types of deviously subliminal mechanisms that undergird all modes of oppression. Now, this is not to say that Merriam and Webster are the worst tyrants of our time, but they may just be the most effective." (Language and Mind, p. 137)

However, this form of oppression has been slowly eroding over time. Jumpstarted by the advent of the printing press and continuing through with the rise of the internet, the spread of information has exponentially gained in speed and in breadth. Information is now so readily available that the classic vestiges of authority have lost their stranglehold on knowledge and meaning--the consolidation of information is a relic of the past. The world is no longer exclusively defined top down, now it is being defined bottom up as well. And when bottoms are up, the only sensible thing to do is to wear underpants on your head.





Viva La Revolución!
















Surprising Underpants on the Head News Update: Just when you thought Washington couldn't get any more ridiculous... during a Congressional hearing on possible violations of the Geneva Conventions regarding torture, Rep. Dana Rohrabacher (R-CA) hones in on the phrase "panties on someone's head" in an attempt to undermine the Inspector General's argument. Unfortunately, by distorting and making light of the situation, he only succeeds in demeaning himself and his office.

Though he's certainly not the first and he certainly won't be the last.

BSB Flashback: I.Q. Gets Fit

Note: They obviously got the idea for the Wii Fit from me, but I am still waiting for my royalty checks from Nintendo to arrive in the mail...



9 July 2007

Author/Illustrator: Mary Ann Fraser

I.Q., the class pet, decides to join in on the school's Health Month. Determined to show how fit he can be, I.Q. develops an awesome fitness plan that makes Richard Simmons look like a pudgy hobbit in short shorts. (Oh wait...)

I.Q. is a great spokesperson for fitness and does an admirable job trying to stem the rising tide of childhood obesity. Unfortunately, inspiring though he may be, it is going to take more than a doggedly determined mouse to get today's kids to change their poor nutritional habits and increasingly sedentary lifestyles.

If we are truly committed to getting kids in shape, we’re going to have to think outside the box and adjust to the times. In fact, our greatest hope in the battle against childhood obesity comes from the last place you would expect: video games.

Video games are often considered one of the culprits responsible for our decrease in physical activity and deteriorating health. And it’s true, sitting around twiddling your thumbs while staring at a television screen isn't going to do much for your cardiovascular system. However, it is much too late to cut video games out of the equation. So what can we do? Simple. Harness the powerful appeal of the Nintendo and trick kids into being more active. Enter the Nintendo Wii.

The Wii is an innovative new game system that incorporates actual movement into the control system--instead of just pushing buttons, the game actually requires that you get up and move. This interface gets us off the couch, engages more muscles, and gives our poor worn-out thumbs a much-needed rest.

This is not the video game industry’s first attempt to merge with the physical realm. In the mid 90s, Nintendo introduced the Powerpad, but unfortunately it never really caught on… probably because it was really just a poorly conceived rip-off of Twister (without the crossover appeal of being a drunken party game for grown-ups).

Physical video games didn't truly break into the mainstream until the success of Dance Dance Revolution, a maniacally paced game that allowed nerds to turn their video game obsession into crowd-pleasing and sometimes awe-inspiring displays of goofiness. It also took a lot of jumping around, which was great for the cardiovascular system and your quads.

With the recently released Wii being one of the most sought after items on the market, it is only a matter of time before the video game industry is in a full blown arms race for physically challenging game systems… producing video games that are a viable form of exercise. And just like that, the extra pounds will come flying off and obesity will be a thing of the past. Problem solved.

As the technology advances, the games will become more and more lifelike. At which point, thirsty for the most realistic experience possible (and addicted to the endorphin high that comes with actual physical activity), gamers will have no choice but to unplug and go outside in order to experience the ultimate in wireless entertainment.

...unfortunately, it had been much too long since we'd all left our living rooms. Having been neglected for so long, reality has been hijacked! An all-powerful monarch named King Bowser is now ruling the planet with his vast army of Goombas patrolling the land. But there is still hope. Luckily, you've been training for this your whole life... and finally, it is time to kick ass and take names.

Rate of Production... Slowing...

So, you may (or may not) have noticed that the posts on Bottom Shelf Books are trickling out at a less than steady rate. (You could also say that the quality of the posts have gone down... but that would just be mean.)

Part of the reason is that we are knee deep preparing for an upcoming wedding and trying to do as much of it ourselves as possible. Like Save the Dates! Look, we're famous-ish!

Baghead Goes to Hollywood?

Umm... I could be wrong, but something tells me that our buddy Jarrett Krosoczka didn't sign off on this Blair Witch meets Charlie Kaufman version of Baghead:

Everyone Poops

Everyone poops... apparently even former press secretary Scott McClellan. Here's an actual excerpt from his much-hyped tell-all book (this passage refers to questions about the Valerie Plame CIA leak case):

"I could feel something fall out of me into the abyss as each reporter took a turn whacking me," he writes of the withering criticism he received as the story played out.

Can it be? Is McClellan actually admitting to $h!tting his pants during a press conference? I smell a NY Times bestseller! (No pun intended.)



"Don't worry, I washed my hands. See?"

Doctor De Soto

Author/Illustrator: William Steig

Few know this, but Doctor De Soto was inspired by a speech given by Doctor Franklin De Soto, considered to be one of the earliest pioneers in the field of Dental Medicine. (Interesting fact: D.D.S. = Dr. De Soto.)

In his commencement speech to the West Virginia School of Dentistry Class of 1927, Dr. De Soto described, in surprisingly candid detail, the pains of devoting one's life to dentistry. Here is an excerpt:

"All of you have given years of your lives studying the field of dentistry. What was it that drove you? It definitely wasn't the lifetime of halitosis and plaque-caked mouths that inspired you to complete this grueling degree. So why did you do it? For the same reason I entered the field: the simple desire to help your fellow man. You were born with the impulse to alleviate the sharp pains of daily life and to soothe the dull and persistent hurt that plagues your neighbor. But I'm here to warn you: your idealism will not be rewarded.

This is what you will receive for your trouble: You will be the nightmare of the young children who come screaming into your office as if you were the devil himself. You will be subjected to an endless parade of adults who brazenly lie to your face... yeah, you "try to floss everyday", my ass. You will devote years to straightening the teeth of spoiled adolescents who will use their flawless smile to convince some poor soul to marry them--and you won't even get an invitation to their wedding.

So I'm warning you now: Dentistry is a thankless profession. For those of you considering a career in dentistry, do not for one minute expect accolades or even simple gratitude for your efforts. No amount of free toothbrushes or sugarfree lollipops will sway the fickle souls of your patients. Your clientele is like an ungrateful and unholy wolf, just waiting to take a bite out of your youthful idealism. That being said, I encourage you to proceed because yours is still a noble profession. But if you do choose to travel down this thorny path, do so with eyes wide open, or else you will be consumed by the very people you are trying to help. If my years of dentistry have taught me one thing, it is this: An open mouth is just a bite waiting to happen. With that, I congratulate you, Class of 1927. Best of luck. You're going to need it."

Rumor has it that a young William Steig was an undergraduate student who took Dr. De Soto's words to heart and decided to change his course of study from dentistry and pursue a life as an artist. Yet, as his book shows, he never lost his respect for the dental profession or the mousy old curmudgeon who took the time to tell him the truth.

Not a Box!

It's not a box, it's Michel Gondry's latest project!

On the Campaign Trail: Duck for President

Against all odds, Duck is continuing his historic bid for the presidency of the United States. Lately, in order to keep himself in the public eye, he has been making the talk show rounds. Here are some soundbites from his interview with Larry King:

On Senator Obama: "I agree with the Senator when he says that it's time to get beyond politics as usual. The difference is that I am willing to take it a step further. I think it's high time we entered into an era of politics as unusual. And what would be more unusual than having a humble barnyard duck your Commander in Chief?"

On His Temper: "I know that there is a video floating around on YouTube that has caused quite a stir. I admit that in my past I have had some anger management issues... but trust me, they are nothing compared to John McCain's legendary outbursts. Plus, that cougar had it coming."

On President Bush: "He is the definition of a lame duck president--I think America is ready for a change. I think America is ready to have an awesome Duck in the White House."


For more information, visit www.duckforamerica.com.

BSB Flashback: Do You Want To Be My Friend?

3 May 2007

Author/Illustrator: Eric Carle

Hmmm... Carle might want to take this one back. In this story, a little mouse goes around asking various animals "Do you want to be my friend?" To which all the animals answer: "No." The mouse suffers one rejection after another until he finally comes across a fellow mouse. This time, when he asks "Do you want to be my friend?", the mouse answers "Yes!" and the two little mice go running off to play.

You might just think its a cute little story at first, but think again. Imagine the same exact story, but this time instead of animals, the story features little kids. Not so cute anymore, is it? The story carries an underlying message of self-segregation that is a little unsettling. Hopefully, this politically-incorrect theme was unintentional. Given his stellar track record, I am willing to give Carle the benefit of the doubt--for now. But I'm keeping my eye on you, Eric.

Silver Lining Note: On the bright side, with a little controversy, comes... THE TEACHABLE MOMENT!!! This is the perfect opportunity to engage your child in a frank discussion about race relations in modern day America. You can start by asking, How come none of the other animals wanted to be the mouse's friend? or Why did the two mice end up being friends? or Why was the elephant such a big jerk?

Then, have your child read Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria? And Other Conversations About Race, and write a 12 page paper analyzing playground dynamics to create a theoretical framework that outlines the challenges of identity formation in the multicultural climate of today's American society. 11 point font, single spaced, and with full citations (APA format). And make sure they take it seriously, because this assignment counts for 50% of their childhood.

Can Leo the Late Bloomer Guide the Celtics to the Championship?

The Sports Guy compares the Celtics young point guard Rajon Rondo to Leo the Late Bloomer.

An excerpt:

"Not only has Rajon Rondo's belated emergence been the most fascinating subplot of a storybook Celtics season, but he's just like the character in that book. Like Leo, Rondo never spoke. Like Leo's father, Celts fans spent an inordinate amount of time wondering when Rondo would "draw" (in this case, play with consistency) or "write" (in this case, bang home open jumpers). Leo had patient parents who believed in him; Rondo had veterans such as Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen, role models who provided the confidence and toughness he desperately needed, eventually springing him from his on-court shell and altering the course of his career."

Read the full article here. Next week he uses Kevin Sherry's I'm the Biggest Thing in the Ocean! to put the New England Patriot's failed bid for an undefeated season into perspective.

New Reality TV Show

From the producers that brought you Iron Chef America and Ace of Cakes, the Food Network is proud to present its newest mouth-watering hit:



Tune in to watch as these five contestants go head-to-head in a series of bizarre and morally challenging competitions. Can the children navigate these sugary obstacles without giving into temptation? Who will be the last one standing and who will take a one way trip down the chocolate river?

There's only one way to find out! Coming this Fall! Thursday nights at 9pm! It's so sweet, you'll have to wash it down with a glass of milk!

At stake for the Sweet Life contestants is their own Chocolate Factory, a private army of Oompa Loompas*, and the chance to live every child's dream.

Do not miss this groundbreaking show! Hosted by the incomparable Willy Wonka and featuring celebrity guest judges like Anthony Bourdain, the Jelly Bean Craving Ghost of Ronald Reagan, and Macy Gray, this first season promises to be Scrumdidilyumptious!


---------------------------------
The Sweet Life is brought to you by Hershey's USA and the American Dental Association.

(*Note: The Army of Oompa Loompas is contingent upon ongoing negotiations with the United Candy Factory Workers of America. The Oompa Loompas are currently on strike and demanding fair wages and new haircuts. If the negotiations reach a stalemate, in lieu of an Oompa Loompa Army, the Sweet Life winner will receive their choice of a glass elevator or a boat that goes through a creepy bug tunnel.)

So You Want To Be President: YouTube Edition

Author: Judith St. George
Illustrator: David Small

So you want to be president? Well, be prepared to be sent through the ringer, my young friend.

All presidential candidates must endure an unbelievable amount of scrutiny, but this year the long arm of the internet has really taken it up a notch. This election will undoubtedly go down in the history books as the YouTube election. From Obama Girl to McCain's 10,000 years to Clinton's Bosnia travails, YouTube exposure is playing a huge role in selecting our next president.

So the burning question is: How would past presidents have been affected by the all seeing eye of YouTube?

William Howard Taft
About This Video

His 1909 election was nearly cut short when the embarassing footage of Taft winning the 1897 Cleveland Deviled Egg Eating Contest hits the internets.








Franklin Delano Roosevelt
About This Video

FDR's presidency was severely challenged by this leaked footage of him playing Murderball. His poll numbers took a plunge, not because America realizes that their president is in a wheelchair, but because he only scored one point and fouled out midway through the second quarter.



Richard Nixon
About This Video

This clip of Nixon's star-making turn as Eliza Doolittle in the Whittier College Drama Club's production of My Fair Lady actually helped Nixon's popularity by revealing his seldom seen human side.







We'll keep searching the archives for more long lost YouTube gems, so stay tuned!

"Stop Making Movies About My Books!"

Courtesy of The Onion, Dr. Seuss finally says what we've all been waiting to hear:

"Why it's simply an outrage—a crime, you must judge!—
To crap on my books with this big-budget sludge.
My books are for children to learn ones and twos in,
Not commercialous slop for Jim Carrey to ruin."

The Times They Are A-Changin'

The American Heart Association just released a report saying that mouth-to-mouth is no longer necessary when performing CPR. They are hoping that this will make it easier for people to jump in and save someone's life... but what they failed to take into account was that they are doing irreperable damage to the lifeguarding industry. Not only have they have taken some of the shine off of the Baywatch franchise... but they have squashed the hopes and dreams of kids like the heroic Michael "Squints" Palledorous.



"What he'd done was sneaky, rotten, and low... and cool." But no longer possible. This is truly a sad day. Hopefully, it is just the American Heart Association's idea of a funny April Fool's Day joke... and tomorrow we can all go back to saving each other by making out.

The Secret of Water

Author/Illustrator: Dr. Masaru Emoto

In this book, Dr. Emoto utilizes the mind-boggling power of photography to reveal the magic behind our most precious natural resource: Water. While the book does a good job of showcasing the glory of our liquid friend, the book is a little antiquated--because, as well all know, plain water just doesn't cut it anymore. Not when we've got:

-Gatorade: Nothing Hydrates Better On Any Planet
-POWERade: Power Up With POWERade!
-SmartWater: Electrolyte Enhanced Hydration, Vapor Distilled Purity

And now the latest offering of uber-water: Snapple Antioxident Water: Designed To Protectify!. (Note: I didn't make up any of those slogans. I could only hope to be so funny.)

But plain old tap water? How boring. How passe. How last century.

Plain water has taken such a vicious PR hit lately that local governments have taken matters into their own hands. Recent studies have found all kinds of goodies in tap water--apparently cities are taking a hint and looking to infuse their boring product with a much needed dose of awesome.

NYC Water! Designed to Soothify and Freakify!
Our water quenches your thirst and your soul with an enlightened mix of drugs that will take care of your aches, infections, seizures and high blood pressure all with one spiritually satisfying sip--and for all you cougars out there, we've added a dose of hormones to help out with that pesky menopause... rrrrowr!



DC Water: Scientifically Proven to Rock Your World!
Engineered by an illustrious (almost-certified) group of scientists, our water is ultra-fortified with anti-seizure medication, two anti-inflammatory drugs, two kinds of antibiotics, a common disinfectant... and because you've got places to go, people to see... CAFFEINE!!! That's right, we put the "what?!" in "water"!




Hmmmm... on second thought, after hearing about the medicine cabinet that's pouring out of my faucet, maybe it's better if I don't know the secret of water. I'll just play it safe from now on... someone pass me a Guinness.

Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?

Author: Bill Martin Jr.
Illustrator: Eric Carle

Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? Well, if you take the time to look out your window, you may notice that spring has come unusually early this year. In fact, scientists have been tracking this phenomenon and have found that spring has indeed been creeping up on us earlier and earlier every year. Experts all over the world are trying to figure out what the environmental implications of this disturbing trend.

But we here at the Bottom Shelf already know the greatest threat of global warming:Grumpy Bears.

This is especially bad because we, as a society, have grown complacent. We have been lulled into a false sense of security by the friendly characters we see on TV... like that lovable thief Yogi and the disarmingly maternal Baloo. We have grown accustomed to seeing these mammoth beasts as nature's gentle giants. But this will quickly change as winters grow shorter and shorter every year. As nature encroaches on valuable hibernation time, we may find that these gentle giants are not so gentle anymore.

We all know that nothing puts you in a worse mood than waking up before you're ready (especially on Monday mornings). Now imagine that you are forced to wake up about a month early. And that you are 800 pounds with razor sharp claws.

Now imagine EVERY bear in the world waking up in a bad mood. Do you see where we're headed here? We feeble humans are no match for pandemic bear rage.


A Bleak Vision of Tomorrow: Yes, the children are still the future... but is that future in danger of being consumed by grumpy bears?






It may already be too late. This could be the spring when the bear nation wakes up on the wrong side of the cave and overwhelms the world with a deadly case of the Mondays.

Indeed, the first sign of the apocalypse may have come earlier this week with the whole Bear Stearns debacle. While the Fed managed to temporarily avoid crisis by bailing out the troublesome Bears, we simply do not have the capacity to buy out every Stern Bear that comes out of the woodwork.

And if this clip is any indication, all the money in the world won't make a difference. We don't stand a chance.

Bottom Shelf Properties: Featured Listing

GREAT DEAL! MUST SELL!!!

This charming property may be a "little" house, but it has a big heart. It is strong and well-built and has withstood several relocations (Disclosure: there may be some wear and tear from city living). Classic design will transport you back to a more innocent time. Extremely motivated seller. No bid is too low! Will basically accept any offer to avoid foreclosure.


For more information, contact:

Real Estate Agent Virginia L. Burton
vlburton@bottomshelfproperties.com

Money, Money, Money

With the threat of a recession breathing down our necks, Congress has decided to provide some relief with an economic stimulus package--which will include a tax rebate. Whether this will turn the economy around remains to be seen. But at the very least, it will put a little extra money in all of our pockets. So, today's question is:

What will you do with your tax rebate?

Harold: I've been meaning to broaden my artistic horizons a bit, so I'd really like to buy a new crayon... I've been wanting to get my hands on a nice Burnt Sienna for some time now. That would be sweet.







Mahalia Mouse: Student Loans. Student Freakin' Loans.









Very Hungry Caterpillar: I'm going out to buy some Ben and Jerry's, a handful of Jolly Ranchers, maybe a couple chili cheez dogs... and then some Tums. For some reason my stomach is killing me.



Clifford the Big Red Dog: Four words: World's Biggest Fire Hydrant.







Old Woman (who lived in a shoe): Well, given that I will get an additional rebate for each kid that I have, I should have more money than I know what to do with. The smart thing to do would be to put it all into an interest bearing account to build up a college fund for all these little rascals--but to heck with it. I'm saving the money for my retirement so I can move into a nice high rise someday, maybe something in a nice suede pump.




The Little Engine That Could: I'm hoping to go from being "The Little Engine That Could" to "The Little Engine That Doesn't Have To Anymore." Early retirement, here I come! Whoo! Whoo!





Corduroy: Forget a new button, I'm buying myself a whole new suit from Calvin Klein!






Runny Babbit: I'd hove to lire a theech sperapist. (translation: I'd love to hire a speech therapist.)

BSB Flashback: Max Moves to Moscow

Following yesterday's election in Russia, it appears that there is a new top dog in town... though it looks like he will be on a tight leash controlled by the old top dog.



7 May 2007

Author/Illustrator: Winifred Riser

Max Moves to Moscow is a revealing story about America's influence on life in post-communist Russia. Max the black lab (democracy) moves from the U.S. to Russia. At first, he encounters an unwelcoming society that is buried under a thick blanket of snow from the harsh communist winter (and the literally cold war). However, due to his persistence and American can-do attitude, Max eventually makes friends with the dogs in the park and teaches them a new ball game (capitalism). This game proves to have a steep learning curve and the dogs keep losing the balls in the snow.

When the snow eventually melts, suddenly there are balls all over the place, ushering in a period of general chaos as the dogs struggle to deal with their newfound wealth. Yeltsin the Russian Bulldog eventually takes charge of the game and keeps the balls for himself and his friends... while the other dogs wait in long lines for toilet paper.

Eventually, Yeltsin eventually tires of playing and Putin the Russian Greyhound takes over. He immediately tightens the rules of the game by instituting a ruthlessly efficient authoritarian style of play. More dogs get to play, but they aren't even sure if it's the same game anymore... or if they still want to play. Problem is, no one dares to stop or even call timeout. When Putin says play, you play--because his bite is definitely worse than his bark. Case in point: the last dog that tried to get out of the game mysteriously died from uranium poisoning.

Ronald Reagan: Paper Dolls in Full Color

Author/Illustrator: Tom Tierney

Anyone following the election knows that every Republican nominee had been desperately trying stake claim as the heir apparent to Ronald Reagan. Mitt Romney had the looks, but not the soul. Fred Thompson had the acting chops, but not the stamina. Mike Huckabee had the charm, but not the stature. (I'm not even going to bother with Giuliani and Ron Paul... the rest of the country isn't, why should I?)

Now, for all intents and purposes, there is one GOP candidate left standing: John McCain. And now, thanks to Tierney's book, McCain can actually put on Reagan's clothes and try to convince America that he is Reagan's true successor.

Though I don't see it happening. Reagan's greatest asset was his gift as an orator--he was such a great speaker that he fooled the country into thinking that a silly idea like Trickle-down economics made sense. As for McCain, his speeches sound about as convincing as a 4th grader reading the book report that his mom wrote for him.

But still, let's take a look at how McCain might conjure the spirit of Reagan to convince America that he is as paper-thin as the Gipper himself.

Straight Shootin' John McCain

I am the candidate that is not afraid to tell it like it is. I shoot straight from the hip. I drive the Straight Talk Express. And the straight truth is that despite my better judgment, I have no choice but to pander to my party's base in order to secure the Republican nomination.

If that means supporting the Bush tax cuts, so be it. If it means fudging my stance on torture, why not? If it means denouncing evolution, bring it on! In fact, if I did see a dinosaur, I would shoot it dead and serve it at my next fundraiser to prove just how straight I can shoot... at whatever it is the base wants me to take aim at.



Damage Control McCain

What, this picture? I've told you already that Ms. Iseman and I are merely acquaintances. I am saddened and frustrated by the obvious liberal media bias being perpetuated by the New York Times.

I also find it comical--if a bit flattering--that anyone would believe that a man of my age would still have any sexual impulses left. Because my friends, let me assure you... when it comes to little John McCain, he's been little John McCan't for some time now.


Bedtime for Bonzo McCain

My friends, we live in dangerous times. We must take care not to let our guard down lest we allow the terrorists to win. Just like Ronald Reagan held firm when caring for an unruly chimpanzee named Bonzo, I, as your Commander In Chief vow to accept the challenge and stare the great ape of terrorism in the eye. And trust me my friends, I won't be the first to blink.

The Democrats don't have the backbone to put Bonzo to bed. But I assure you, the American people, that when I am President, I will not rest until we get the monkey of terror off our backs and we put the issue to bed once and for all.


When I consider the prospect of another neglectful Democratically-led country, I think back to something the great Ronald Reagan once told me. He told me, "Johnny, whether you're babysitting a chimp or battling terrorists, you can be sure of one thing: If you turn your back for even one second, you are going to get feces thrown at you." So America, the choice is yours: do you want to get feces thrown at you? I didn't think so.