Change We Can See Out the Window

Hey! A dog with a fluffy tail!

Everyone Poops

Everyone poops... apparently even former press secretary Scott McClellan. Here's an actual excerpt from his much-hyped tell-all book (this passage refers to questions about the Valerie Plame CIA leak case):

"I could feel something fall out of me into the abyss as each reporter took a turn whacking me," he writes of the withering criticism he received as the story played out.

Can it be? Is McClellan actually admitting to $h!tting his pants during a press conference? I smell a NY Times bestseller! (No pun intended.)



"Don't worry, I washed my hands. See?"

On the Campaign Trail: Duck for President

Against all odds, Duck is continuing his historic bid for the presidency of the United States. Lately, in order to keep himself in the public eye, he has been making the talk show rounds. Here are some soundbites from his interview with Larry King:

On Senator Obama: "I agree with the Senator when he says that it's time to get beyond politics as usual. The difference is that I am willing to take it a step further. I think it's high time we entered into an era of politics as unusual. And what would be more unusual than having a humble barnyard duck your Commander in Chief?"

On His Temper: "I know that there is a video floating around on YouTube that has caused quite a stir. I admit that in my past I have had some anger management issues... but trust me, they are nothing compared to John McCain's legendary outbursts. Plus, that cougar had it coming."

On President Bush: "He is the definition of a lame duck president--I think America is ready for a change. I think America is ready to have an awesome Duck in the White House."


For more information, visit www.duckforamerica.com.

So You Want To Be President: YouTube Edition

Author: Judith St. George
Illustrator: David Small

So you want to be president? Well, be prepared to be sent through the ringer, my young friend.

All presidential candidates must endure an unbelievable amount of scrutiny, but this year the long arm of the internet has really taken it up a notch. This election will undoubtedly go down in the history books as the YouTube election. From Obama Girl to McCain's 10,000 years to Clinton's Bosnia travails, YouTube exposure is playing a huge role in selecting our next president.

So the burning question is: How would past presidents have been affected by the all seeing eye of YouTube?

William Howard Taft
About This Video

His 1909 election was nearly cut short when the embarassing footage of Taft winning the 1897 Cleveland Deviled Egg Eating Contest hits the internets.








Franklin Delano Roosevelt
About This Video

FDR's presidency was severely challenged by this leaked footage of him playing Murderball. His poll numbers took a plunge, not because America realizes that their president is in a wheelchair, but because he only scored one point and fouled out midway through the second quarter.



Richard Nixon
About This Video

This clip of Nixon's star-making turn as Eliza Doolittle in the Whittier College Drama Club's production of My Fair Lady actually helped Nixon's popularity by revealing his seldom seen human side.







We'll keep searching the archives for more long lost YouTube gems, so stay tuned!

Ronald Reagan: Paper Dolls in Full Color

Author/Illustrator: Tom Tierney

Anyone following the election knows that every Republican nominee had been desperately trying stake claim as the heir apparent to Ronald Reagan. Mitt Romney had the looks, but not the soul. Fred Thompson had the acting chops, but not the stamina. Mike Huckabee had the charm, but not the stature. (I'm not even going to bother with Giuliani and Ron Paul... the rest of the country isn't, why should I?)

Now, for all intents and purposes, there is one GOP candidate left standing: John McCain. And now, thanks to Tierney's book, McCain can actually put on Reagan's clothes and try to convince America that he is Reagan's true successor.

Though I don't see it happening. Reagan's greatest asset was his gift as an orator--he was such a great speaker that he fooled the country into thinking that a silly idea like Trickle-down economics made sense. As for McCain, his speeches sound about as convincing as a 4th grader reading the book report that his mom wrote for him.

But still, let's take a look at how McCain might conjure the spirit of Reagan to convince America that he is as paper-thin as the Gipper himself.

Straight Shootin' John McCain

I am the candidate that is not afraid to tell it like it is. I shoot straight from the hip. I drive the Straight Talk Express. And the straight truth is that despite my better judgment, I have no choice but to pander to my party's base in order to secure the Republican nomination.

If that means supporting the Bush tax cuts, so be it. If it means fudging my stance on torture, why not? If it means denouncing evolution, bring it on! In fact, if I did see a dinosaur, I would shoot it dead and serve it at my next fundraiser to prove just how straight I can shoot... at whatever it is the base wants me to take aim at.



Damage Control McCain

What, this picture? I've told you already that Ms. Iseman and I are merely acquaintances. I am saddened and frustrated by the obvious liberal media bias being perpetuated by the New York Times.

I also find it comical--if a bit flattering--that anyone would believe that a man of my age would still have any sexual impulses left. Because my friends, let me assure you... when it comes to little John McCain, he's been little John McCan't for some time now.


Bedtime for Bonzo McCain

My friends, we live in dangerous times. We must take care not to let our guard down lest we allow the terrorists to win. Just like Ronald Reagan held firm when caring for an unruly chimpanzee named Bonzo, I, as your Commander In Chief vow to accept the challenge and stare the great ape of terrorism in the eye. And trust me my friends, I won't be the first to blink.

The Democrats don't have the backbone to put Bonzo to bed. But I assure you, the American people, that when I am President, I will not rest until we get the monkey of terror off our backs and we put the issue to bed once and for all.


When I consider the prospect of another neglectful Democratically-led country, I think back to something the great Ronald Reagan once told me. He told me, "Johnny, whether you're babysitting a chimp or battling terrorists, you can be sure of one thing: If you turn your back for even one second, you are going to get feces thrown at you." So America, the choice is yours: do you want to get feces thrown at you? I didn't think so.

Yes We Can!

Author: Sam McBratney
Illustrator: Charles Fuge

The cover of this book really does a good job of capturing the momentum that is building behind the Obama campaign. Here you see animals enthusiastically jumping in the air, which is appropriate because this election has drawn more interest and enthusiasm than any election in recent memory.

But note that the animals are not your standard elephant and donkey. No, here you have a kangaroo, a mouse, and a duck. In their diversity, they represent the vanguard of the movement towards a post-partisan political climate. We are more than just democrats and republicans, blue states and red states... I mean, a blue kangaroo? That's just silly.

Look a little closer and you will notice the leaves falling from the sky, indicating that we are indeed in a season of change, which has been one of the prime buzzwords of this election season. It is no wonder that Obama chose this book to be the foundation of his campaign message: Yes We Can.

Here is the Obama Yes We Can speech in New Hampshire, the one used for the will.i.am video. While the video is cool, I prefer the speech without the celebrities because, call me square, but I'd rather not have my vote swayed by the lead singer of the Pussy Cat Dolls.

Tuesday

Author/Illustrator: David Wiesner

That's right, it's Tuesday. But not just any Tuesday... it's SUPER TUESDAY. And Wiesner's masterpiece, which features a night of flying frogs, is oddly appropriate on this day. How so? Not just because the title is Tuesday, but because Wiesner's surrealist vision asks us to challenge the boundaries of what we believe is possible. And isn't that kind of the point of this whole process? It's Tuesday, a chance to imagine the world as you would like to see it and to cast your vote accordingly.

For a minute, allow yourself to imagine a world that has finally woken from the nightmare that is the Bush Administration and consider where we go from here. So, if you are in one of the 24 states participating in this political royal rumble, determine which candidate's policies, vision, and leadership speaks to you and most closely matches your hopes and dreams for this country... and then whether by car, bike, foot, or lily pad, get yourself to the polls and cast your vote.

Because it's Tuesday, and anything is possible.

I'm the Biggest Thing in the Ocean!

SPOILER ALERT: The Excelsior File got it right when he said, "Honestly, I feel it's a bit much to forewarn of a spoiler on a picture book, but when I picked this jolly little thing up I wasn't prepared for the twist and actually laughed. out. loud. If you would like a chance at the same ignore this review right now and go check it out for yourself."

So yeah, go read the book. You have been warned. Now, back to business.

--------------------

[The following is a partial transcript from the presentation, "From the Belly of the Beast: The Metaphysical in Children's Literature". The presentation discussed Kevin Sherry's I'm the Biggest Thing in the Ocean and was part of the 28th Annual Conference on Comparative Children's Literature hosted by the University of Florida's Center for Children's Literature and Culture. Per their request, the speakers' names have been removed from the record.]


Speaker 1: It is my contention that Sherry's Giant Squid represents a modernized heroic ideal. For those of you unfamiliar with the story, it opens with a giant squid proudly proclaiming that he is, in fact, big. He then proceeds on a tour of the ocean, pointing out that he is bigger than clams, those fish, these fish, that shark, etc., etc. In a sudden twist of fate, the squid is swallowed up by a blue whale. Rather than be defeated by this unforeseen turn of events, the squid bravely exclaims, "I am the biggest thing in this whale!" We should all be so strong of character. This unwavering optimism in the face of overwhelming adversity is the only heroic response to the uncertainty of the human condition. To stare death, doubt, and obsurity in the eye and proclaim, "I am!" That is the modern definition of heroism.

Speaker 2: Pardon my French, but bulls--t! This is exactly the kind of wanderlusting and daydreamy wimpering that is watering down today's intellectual landscape. The giant squid is no hero, he is the anti-hero, indicative of all that is fundamentally wrong with the human condition. The story starts out innocently enough, with the squid asserting that he is "big". Okay, fine. Unfortunately, he is not content to leave it at that. He is compelled to go through the ocean lording his size over the other beings unfortunate enough to cross his path. The squid's need to demean others in order to assert his dominance highlights one of the tragic flaws of humanity. Our species-wide insecurity gives birth to the compulsive need to establish/impose social hierarchy, often through the use of force. This is why our historical record is no more than an unending parade of war and death. It is why the pursuit of any kind of utopian ideal is ultimately an exercise in futility.

Speaker 1: I believe my esteemed colleague is suffering from, what we in the business refer to as: The "Glass is Half Empty" Syndrome. [crowd laughter] Now if--

Speaker 2: The glass is not half empty! My whole point is that there is no glass! We have created the myth of a divine "glass" that holds existence together, but the sad truth is that there is nothing there. The glass is an illusion that we have created for ourselves so that we may go on with our sad and pathetic lives. We are afraid to face the fact that, without a glass, without divine reason, we are just a sad puddle of coincidence just waiting for someone to come by and clean up the mess.

Speaker 1: Are you quite finished? If you'll allow me to continue, ladies and gentlemen, [Speaker 2]'s brand of pessimistic logic is exactly why we need a hero like the Giant Squid. Once swallowed by the whale, the Squid does not surrender. He merely takes a moment to compose himself, makes the best of the situation, and maintains his triumphant spirit. If you, [Speaker 2] were faced with that same situation, perhaps you would lay down your arms, proclaim the futility of it all, and resign yourself to float, adrift in a cess pool of your lukewarm agnosticism and solipsistic self pity... but where is the heroism in that? No, the heroic response is to scream defiantly into the echo chamber of the heavens, if for no other reason than to hear the reaffirming sound of your own voice calling back to you. Optimism may be a grand illusion, but it is our best weapon against existential futility and tragic resignation.

Speaker 2: Do you really buy this junk? This squid is not a modern day hero, he is a modern day Don Quixote, a self-delusional, albeit endearing, nincompoop whose flawed logic only leads to his own destruction. For the sake of argument, let's assume that there is some universal order, some divine logic... then we must ask ourselves, WHY was the giant squid swallowed by the whale? What message is being sent through this turn of events? Simple: It was karmic retribution for his audacity and hubris. And how does our "hero" respond to this divine slice of humble pie? It barely phases him. He appears to be incapable of learning his lesson or any lesson for that matter. He merely readjusts the terms of success in order to suit his needs. This is the kind of slippery moral relativism that undermines the most sacred treasure of our humanity: our ability to distinguish right from wrong. In fact, you know who the squid reminds me of? One George--

Speaker 1: Oh please, let's not go down that road again...

Speaker 2: ...W. Bush! Like our misguided squid, George W. Bush follows his own path of perceived greatness, his self-proclaimed largesse dragging the country, nay the world, on his imperial march into the quagmire that is this neverending misadventure in Iraq. And faced with adversity, he merely changes the rules of the game as he goes along. First, we invaded because we had to get rid of WMDs. When those were nowhere to be found, he declared Iraq to be an exercise in sowing the seeds of democracy in the Middle East. When that turned out to be a failure, he lowers his bar for success yet again, redefining success as a decrease in the number of daily car bombs. Can't you see people?! I am the walrus, George Bush is the squid!

Speaker 1: On that note, I think we're just about out of time. I'd like to thank everyone for coming and--

Speaker 2: I'm not done yet! You can try to silence me, but you can't silence the truth! What are you afraid of, [Speaker 1]? What, were you a member of Skull and Bones in college with Bush? Were you in the same secret society?

Speaker 1: I think that's quite enough. Security, can you please help [Speaker 2] to his seat?

Speaker 2: The squid is the tragic figure of our times! We must learn from his mistakes! We are not the biggest thing in the ocean! Excuse me, what are you doing? Are you arresting me? What are you arresting me for? Is everybody watching this? Hey, get your hands off me, what are you doing? We are not the biggest thing in this whale! We are--what, are you arresting me?! What did I do? Help! Help! Help! Are you kidding? You're arresting me. I am the biggest thing at this convention! What did I do? Get away from me!

Speaker 1: Folks, Folks, I think if we all just calm down, this situation [unintelligible].

Speaker 2: Help! Help! What did I do? What did I do? I didn't do anything! Hey, don't tase me, bro! I am the biggest thing in the OWWWWWW!!!! OWWWWWWWW!!!! OWWWWWWW!!!! What did I do...? What did I do...?

--end of transcript--

[For a video clip of this presentation, click here. For a complete transcript of the discussion or any other forums during the 28th Annual Conference on Comparative Children's Literature, or to send presentation proposals for next year's conference, email haroldp@acccl.org.]

Note: For the record, despite [Speaker 2]'s opinion, we at Bottom Shelf Books loved this book. In fact, we walked around the apartment shouting, "I'M THE BIGGEST THING IN THE OCEAN!" for about a month after reading it.

Who's In The Bathroom?

Author: Jeanne Willis
Illustrator: Adrian Reynolds

This otherwise playful book about pee-pee dances and the tortures of waiting in line for the bathroom took an unexpected shot up the charts of the NYT bestseller list last week. This is because an elephant caught in a compromising position while in the bathroom was suddenly front page news with last week's media storm surrounding the Senator Craig sting operation.

Most of you probably heard about the Republican Senator from Idaho, Larry Craig, who was caught in a Minneapolis airport restroom allegedly trying to initiate a sexual encounter. I'm not going to go into the details because there has been enough coverage over the whole affair already. Plus, what I found more interesting than the act itself is what the political reaction reveals about us as a country, especially heading into the election year.

Following the incident, the Republican Guard quickly came out in full force to denounce their former colleague. Craig instantly became a political pariah as everyone within his party tried to distance themselves from his public indiscretion. Compare this to Senator Paul Vitter from Florida who was caught in the phone records of the DC Madam a few months ago. He got a standing ovation.

I'm not saying Craig should have gotten a standing ovation for his bathroom misadventure, but this double standard and all the big talk that came out reinforced what has become a disturbing conventional wisdom: Homophobia is politically advantageous.

You'll have noticed this if you've listened to any of the Republican candidates on their respective soapboxes. Watching the Republicans debate is like watching a race down the bottomless pit of ignorance as they battle for position, desperate to prove that they are the "family values" candidate that opposes gay marriage the most. (Though, to be fair, the Democratic party isn't exactly blazing a trail of enlightened thought. Democratic candidates handle the issue of civil unions and gay marriage like hot potatoes filled with razor blades.)

Is it true that you have to be (or at least pretend to be) homophobic to be elected president of the United States? If so, what kind of a country are we, that we as a collective unit value and demand such intolerance?

Can anything be done?!

Maybe. Given that there have been a slew of homoerotic scandals within the Conservative movement as of late (including Rep. Mark Foley, Rev. Ted "It Was Just A Massage" Haggard, and this poor guy...) the Republican Party is hypersensitive at the moment.



This may just be the opening we've been waiting for, because many of those who are embroiled in the controversy have also been the most outspoken critics of gay rights. Larry Craig himself was a very vocal opponent of gay marriage. So... if politicians become afraid that spouting homophobic vitriol will arouse suspicion that they are actually gay themselves... then the best way to prove that they are not gay is to speak well of homosexuality. By reversing the rhetoric in DC, we could eventually affect policy changes and maybe even change the attitudes in the halls of Congress and beyond! Voila!

Okay, so it's not exactly the greatest plan... but desperate times call for desperate measures. It's either this, or we call Bravo and ask them to reunite the cast of Queer Eye For the Straight Guy for a special Making Over Congress episode. They probably wouldn't fix anything, but it'd still be worth it just to see the Carson Kressley go to town on Dennis Hastert's wardrobe. It may not be progress, but at least it'd be entertaining.

Note: When looking at the cover of Who's In The Bathroom?, try not to think about the implications of an elephant wiping using its trunk to wipe its butt. Let's just not go down that road... ever.

Fox Makes Friends

Author/Illustrator: Adam Relf

An adorable little fox wants a friend, so he decides to go out and catch one. His mother quickly corrects him and tells him that you don't catch friends, you make friends.

The fox takes this literally and goes out and builds a friend out of an apple and some sticks. Unfortunately, his apple-headed friend is incredibly boring and doesn't play well with others. Soon a few other animals from the forest show up and they all decide to help the fox make a friend. By the end, in the process of making friends, they have inadvertently become friends. Awww... In lesser hands, this could have been extremely cheezy, but Relf's illustrations are so soul squeezingly adorable, that it works really well.

Relf's book also works because it is a rather astute commentary on the difficulty of forging friendships. Indeed, it is rare for people to directly say "Hey, let's be friends." The more common method is to engage in an activity through which social relations and friendships are built... just as Fox and his buddies build a relationship while working on a project together, most people today make friends through activities such as happy hours, book clubs, or sports.

Sports are a great way to make friends (especially for guys who are typically less comfortable with their emotions) because it allows for the development of camraderie and emotionally significant relationships through a socially acceptable venue. Strong friendships are developed on the playing field and emotional barriers are slowly broken down. (Where else do guys pat eachother on the butt without a second thought?) The sports world creates a useful context upon which friendships can be cultivated and eventually thrive off the field as well.

Sports is such a powerful unifying force that it can extend well beyond the realm of individual friendships and into the global politics. The most startling example is the Iraqi national soccer team, who recently beat Saudi Arabia to win the Asia Cup. This victory prompted throngs of Iraqi citizens to take to the streets in celebration. Shiites and Sunnis rejoiced together, chanting "One Iraq!"

From Harper's: "Sport brings us together while the heads of everything in Baghdad can't bring us together for five years," said one reveler. "If the Iraqi football team ruled us, peace would spread in our home."


Indeed, it appears that where diplomacy and military occupation have failed, soccer has triumphed. Sport may prove to be the best hope yet for quelling the tragic sectarian violence that has been consuming Iraqi cities for years now.

Seizing this unprecented momentum, President Bush finally heeds the country's call for a change of strategy in Iraq and commissioned the conservative think tank, The Heritage Foundation, to produce the following top secret policy initiative:
















The report, called "A Kick in the Balls: Soccer as a Strategy For Ending the Conflict in Iraq" is an attempt to capitalize on the transcendent power of sport as a means of redeveloping a sense of national pride and peaceful coexistence between warring factions in Iraq. The report, which will be delivered to the President early next week includes the following recommendations:



1) Replace the Department of Defense with the Major League Soccer All-Star team.








2) Cut off all ties with new British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and announce that all diplomatic relations with Great Britain will now go through David Beckham.





3) Preemptively commute the sentence of NBA official Tim Donaghy (who is under investigation for rigging games). Put him in charge of officiating for all future soccer matches to ensure that Iraq will always emerge victorious.




4) Pressure the international community to name Pele as the new Secretary General of the United Nations.







5) Appoint Brandi Chastain as the successor to Tony Snow for the position of White House Press Secretary. If anyone questions the president's latest strategy, she will be instructed to take off her top as a diversion. If that doesn't work, she will kick Helen Thomas in the face and shout, "Anybody else want some?!"








6) Request that French president Nicolas Sarkozy lend the services of soccer legend Zinedane Zidane to the Iraq War so that he can serve as a one man army to secure Anbar province.





Surprisingly, this drastic new strategy will garner support in both political parties. Democrats will support the initiative because shifting from a military based occupation to a soccer based occupation will allow them to bring our troops home sooner rather than later (and reverse their sinking standing in the public opinion polls).

Republicans and the White House will support the plan because no one in the United States really pays attention to soccer, so interest in Iraq will quickly evaporate. The less attention on the war, the better off the Republican Party. Soon (to the delight of the embattled Bush administration), CNN will stop covering it all together and the only place you will be able to get updates on the war will be ESPN Deportes.

Mission Accomplished? GOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!

Note: This strategy will not bring an immediate end to all violence. During this past week's celebration, 4 people were killed by celebratory gun fire (which tragically, is a low casualty rate in present-day Iraq). A key component to the success of this plan will be providing the Iraqi population with free bottles of celebratory champagne so that the worst injuries will be limited to the occasional cork to temple.

Farmer Ham

Author: Alec Sillifant
Illustrator: Mike Spoor

After decades of silence, Sillifant finally takes it upon himself to pick up the torch and continue the story that began with George Orwell's Animal Farm. When we left the Animal Farm last, it was under the corrupt rule of Napoleon the pig's Stalin-esque regime. The pigs in power had begun to wear clothes and had become virtually indistinguishable from their authoritarian human counterparts. Having departed from their socialist roots, the farms adopts the philosophy of "All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others."

Farmer Ham is a direct descendent of Napoleon the Pig. Having inherited the farm from his lineage of revolutionary ancestors, he now rules his domain with an iron fist and is known for his ruthless tactics. Indeed, an underground newspaper gave him the name Farmer Ham because of his willingness to brutally eliminate any opposition, even cannibalistically disposing of those within his closest inner circle. Ironically, he liked the name and (after destroying the newspaper and imprisoning its employees), he proudly adopted it as his own and referred to himself as Farmer Ham from that day forward. It was the perfect name... the kind of perverse moniker that inspires the fear necessary to maintain order and give revolutionaries reason to pause.

The original Animal Farm was a thinly veiled story about the Soviet Union that warned against the dangers of totalitarian government and the inevitable cycle of corruption that comes hand in hand with power. ("When it comes to revolutionaries, trust only the sad ones. The enthusiastic ones are the oppressors of tommorrow." -William Vollman) This newest installment reminds us that no power is absolute--that there will always be challengers to the throne and that power is a luxury that must be maintained with meticulous precision. To illustrate this point, Sillifant presents Farmer Ham's totalitarian regime with a familiar nuisance: anarchists.

Represented by a gaggle of unruly crows, Farmer Ham's government is challenged by a band of rowdy nihilists who refuse to bow down to his authority. This dangerous here is obvious, as a few successful rebels can infect an otherwise submissive populace, and the next thing you know, you have a revolution on your hands. Farmer Ham knows that he must act quickly and decisively to quell the uprising. To do so, he recruits and trains an elite force of brutes known as the Scarecrow, a shadowy arm of law enforcement that has imperial permission to use whatever tactics they deem necessary. With the terrifying Scarecrow patrolling the fields, the dangerous anarchist element is quickly scattered to the winds.

So Farmer Ham's reign of terror lives another day... but how long can he maintain his stranglehold on the farm before he is toppled from his lofty perch? Today it's anarchist crows, tomorrow it may be socialist moles sprouting up from the ground, or capitalist pigs preaching their free market mumbo jumbo... no, it is only a matter of time before someone rises up against the oppressive Farmer Ham and decides that it's time to bring home the bacon.

And on his farm he had a coup, ee ii, ee ii, oooooooooo...

The Big Bad Wolf and Me

Author/Illustrator: Delphine Perret

This is a charming tale about a big bad wolf who has lost his mojo. Perret's wolf is in the midst of an existential crisis because his life has lost meaning. What will he do now that he is a Big Bad Wolf that isn't so big or bad anymore?

Perret's tale is also the latest chapter in the continuing saga involving our favorite much-maligned wolf... Paul Wolfowitz. With his recent resignation, he is not only handing over his job, he is relinquishing the last of his mojo.

This was the man who used to strike fear in the hearts and minds of the world with the sharp and terrible teeth of his neo-conservative policies. This is the architect of the Iraq War! Now he just got bullied into resigning by a bunch of Europeans. Mojo meter: Running on Empty.

So what does a mojo-less wolf do? He goes into hiding. In Perret's story, it is up to a young boy to befriend the humiliated wolf, nurture him and help him regain his swagger. In Wolfowitz's case, the young boy will probably come in the form of some high powered D.C. lobbying firm or think tank. They will inevitably pay him embarrassing amounts of money and give him time to lick his wounds and recover from his latest political defeat.

Perret's Big Bad Wolf does eventually get his swagger back... the question is, will Wolfowitz? And if he does resurface, what new and terrible tricks will he have learned? Who will be his first victim? And will he still have those Howdy Doody ears?

Note: This latest scandal brought a critical issue to the forefront. I'm not talking about the need to clamp down on corruption within international politics, or even the declining credibility of the United States on the world stage... the key issue here is that we, as a society, really need to come up with better words than boyfriend and girlfriend. I mean, we're talking about grown men and women here... over the hill people who are (hopefully) engaged in a mature (and in this case, lucrative) relationship... doesn't boyfriend and girlfriend sound a little immature and trite? It is especially unfortunate for Ms. Riza, who is constantly referred to in the press as "Wolfowitz's girlfriend". This is unfortunate on two levels:

1) The term "Wolfowitz's girlfriend" undermines any of her professional achievements by labeling her purely based on her personal relationship with Wolfowitz. Defining her, not by her own merits, but by her relationship to her male partner is not only an affront to feminist ideology, but sounds more appropriate for the junior high school yard.

2) The term "Wolfowitz's girlfriend" implies that she was dating a loser.

So my challenge to you is to come up with better terminology for boyfriend and girlfriend. Any suggestions?

Moo, Baa, La La La!

Author/Illustrator: Sandra Boynton

A cow says Moo.
A sheep says Baa.
Three singing pigs say La La La!
"No, no!" you say, "That isn't right. Pigs say Oink all day and night."

This book takes a whimsical stab at our society's deep-seated need for predictability and conformity. Boynton is a master of whimsical animals... and if you look closely on the cover, you'll see that the animals are sheepishly venturing "outside the box." (Pun intended--except that one of the animals actually is a sheep so it's not really a pun but an accurate description.)

At the beginning of this story, everything on the farm is going according to plan until the three musically talented piggies challenge our preconceived notions of what a pig can do by singing La La La! How does the public react to this act of creative expression? They get all huffy and assert that, No! Pigs don't sing, they Oink! In other words, the public doesn't handle unpredictability well. And with a presidential election looming just over the horizon, this attitude has broad political implications. In today's poll-obsessed political environment, if the pig community's political base wants the pigs to say "oink", it better acquiesce if it wants any hope of getting out of the barnyard primaries. If they don't "oink", someone else will.

This creates a warped democracy where candidates are not allowed to speak their own mind if it is not in line with their party. This only fuels the polarization of American bipartisan politics because candidates are forced to pander to party faithful or they won't even get a shot at the presidency. Obviously, this affects all politicians, whether they be pig, donkey, elephant, or emu.

This season's most notable victim of this is John McCain. Back in 2001, he was the media darling, a renegade, straight-shooting, tell-it-like-it-is candidate with wide-spread appeal. The media loves a rebel... but party loyalists, not so much. McCain failed to gain the republican nomination. Having learned his lesson, this time around he reigned in the straight talk a little in order to compromise and fall in with the party line. In essence, he traded the Straight Talk Express for the Pucker-up Pushcart and in the process lost his glamourous appeal. He may capture the Republican nomination... but he can no longer capture our imaginations.

Though, after last week's Republican primary debate, it has become increasingly obvious that no republican candidate is doing much capturing of any imaginations. Which is why there is such a clamor for Fred Thompson to throw his hat into the ring. What Thompson has, that none of the other candidates have, is that Reagan-esque movie star cachet. This of course is in large part because he plays the tough district attorney on Law & Order.

I, however, am not so easily fooled. I would never vote for a candidate just because he plays a dignified role in a network TV drama. That being said... if Thompson were to guarantee that the entire cabinet would filled with the cast of Law & Order, I'd have to give it some serious thought. In fact, I will give him my vote right now if he promises to build his administration around my favorite Law & Order ensemble cast:


President
Fred Thompson






Vice President
Adam Schiff (a.k.a. Steven Hill)





Secretary of State
Jack McCoy (a.k.a. Sam Waterston)






Secretary of Defense
Rey Curtis (a.k.a. Benjamin Bratt)




Attorney General
Jamie Ross (a.k.a. Carey Lowell)
Note: Will face a Congressional Hearing when it is discovered that she is married to Richard Gere. Disgraced, she immediately steps down from her post.



Director of Homeland Security
Lennie Brisco (a.k.a. Jerry Orbach)
Note: Sadly, Orbach passed away 3 years ago. Luckily, he is convinced to return from the grave and serve as a zombie, replacing the current zombie director, Michael Chertoff.



Secretary of Agriculture
Mike Logan (a.k.a. Christopher Noth)
Note: Relegated to the least glamorous cabinet post due to his role in Sex and the City.


Not only is this an administration stocked with fake integrity and carefully scripted attitude, but demographically, it's pretty realistic. 5 White Males, 1 Latino Male, and 1 White Female... Karl Rove would be hard pressed to plan it any better. However, to maximize the political savviness, we'll have to recruit a cast member from Law & Order SVU to round out the administration:


Secretary of Education
Odafin 'Fin' Tutuola (a.k.a. Ice-T)




There! Now that's an administration that captures the imagination and covers most major demographics. (There were no prominent Asian characters on the show, so Secretary Chao can keep her Department of Labor... for now. La La La!)

Max Moves to Moscow

Author/Illustrator: Winifred Riser

Max Moves to Moscow is a revealing story about America's influence on life in post-communist Russia. Max the black lab (democracy) moves from the U.S. to Russia. At first, he encounters an unwelcoming society that is buried under a thick blanket of snow from the harsh communist winter (and the literally cold war). However, due to his persistence and American can-do attitude, Max eventually makes friends with the dogs in the park and teaches them a new ball game (capitalism). This game proves to have a steep learning curve* and the dogs keep losing the balls in the snow.

When the snow eventually melts, suddenly there are balls all over the place, ushering in a period of general chaos as the dogs struggle to deal with their newfound wealth. Yeltsin the Russian Bulldog eventually takes charge of the game and keeps the balls for himself and his friends... while the other dogs wait in long lines for toilet paper. When Yeltsin tires of playing, Putin the Russian Greyhound takes over and immediately tightens the rules and institutes a ruthlessly efficient authoritarian style to the game. More dogs get to play, but they aren't even sure if it's the same game anymore... or if they still want to play. Problem is, no one dares to stop or even call timeout. When Putin says play, you play--his bite is definitely worse than his bark. The last dog that tried to get out of the game mysteriously died from uranium poisoning.

*Grammar note: I used the term "steep learning curve" because that's what people say. But, as is so often the case, people are wrong. This from a website called Word Pirates:

"Many people refer to things that are difficult to learn as having a "steep learning curve." However, if a learnign curve is steep, this means that for smaller increments of time, larger gains in learnign are accomplished - a smaller run leads to relatively more rise int eh curve, so this would mean that the item was actually easier to learn. One would have to say "difficult learning curve' or "long learning curve."

Good point. But jeez, pirates... ever hear of spellcheck? Maybe they don't have it installed aboard their ships. If they even have ships. Wait, I bet they're not even real pirates! My guess is that they're goofballs with fake eyepatches that try to incorporate "arrrr" into every sentence. But don't underestimate these faux-buccaneers. They are more dangerous than they first appear... they will bore you to death with their riveting discussions about semantics and grammarrrrrrr. Personally, I'd rather walk the plank.

Everywhere Babies

Author: Susan Meyers
Illustrator: Marla Frazee

Myers' playful prose coupled with Frazee's awesome baby portraiture combine to remind us that babies are cute. Not exactly mind-blowing stuff. But what could have been just another baby book separates itself from the pack because of the talented Frazee... there's just something about the way she draws babies that just makes them seem not only adorable, but epic.

Unfortunately for Meyers and Frazee, as with all art, once a work is released into the public sphere, you cannot control what people do with it. In this case, Everywhere Babies has become a political prop as groups on both sides of the abortion debate have grabbed a hold of the book to advance their political interests. Pro-life groups use it to drive home the obvious point: babies are awesome. Pro-choice groups use the book to tell a cautionary tale about a world without Roe v. Wade. (There would be babies everywhere... Everywhere Babies!!!)

With the Supreme Court recently upholding the Partial Birth Abortion Ban, expect to see more of Everywhere Babies as both sides gear up for a potential Supreme Court reconsideration of Roe v. Wade.... a bizarre showdown where 5 dudes in robes have the power to determine what women are (or are not) allowed to do with their bodies.

Everywhere Babies has also found its way into federally-funded abstinence-only education. Last week, the Washington Post reported that abstinence education programs are destributing material with misleading information, that makes condom-use seem less effective than it actually is. (For example, while studies show that the chances of unintended pregnancies while using condoms is 2%, government funded programs incorrectly say that it is 1 in 6 or 17%... Everywhere! Babies!!!)

This should not come as a surprise. At this point, misleading people is standard operating procedure. Though, maybe... if you combined the administration's misleading Sex Ed policy with its failing Foreign Policy, you might come up with something a little more productive. Can two wrongs makes a right? Let's give it a shot:

Current Foreign Policy: Use misleading information to get us into war.
Current Sex Ed Policy: Use misleading information to keep us from getting into bed.
New Foreign Policy: Use misleading information to keep us from getting into war and getting screwed.

Current Sex Ed Policy: Condoms and other forms of contraception are not effective forms of birth control. Abstinence only.
Current Foreign Policy: Talk is cheap. Diplomacy is for the weak.
New Sex Ed Policy: Abstain from talking to anyone. If you isolate yourself from the rest of the world, no one will want to have sex with you anyways.

Current Foreign Policy: Pulling out is not a strategy for victory.
Current Sex Ed Policy: The Rhythm Method is a form of natural birth control.
New Foreign Policy: Set a timetable for pulling out of Iraq before things get even more heated and explosive.

It's not perfect, but policy never is. Next, we combine No Child Left Behind with Environmental Policy and see what comes out. (Though it's risky... you might get something like: We'll try to reverse the negative trends of climate change, but if the climate doesn't start showing adequate yearly progress, we will start imposing sanctions by cutting down trees and shutting down forests.)

A Second is a Hiccup

Author/Illustrator: Hazel Hutchins

Having trouble teaching your kids about time? This book introduces kids to the concept of time through the lens of bodily functions and other fun daily events (hiccups, hugs, jumping rope, etc.). Hutchins' playful book may come in handy because time is such an abstract concept--it's hard enough for adults to grasp, let alone kids.

Case in point: Just last night, the House approved a $124 billion war spending bill. It's about damn time. No, seriously, the bill is actually about time. The current proposal includes a timetable for withdrawal from Iraq, currently set at T minus 1,420,340,243 hiccups. Meanwhile, the White House has been accusing Congress of political grandstanding. The president has been anxiously waiting for Congress to stop farting around (a fart = 1 to 5 minutes) and get the budget proposal to his desk so he can veto it in the time it takes him to burp (6 seconds).

People on both sides of the aisle are understandably concerned about the implications of such a timetable. Will it send the wrong message to the troops? (As if extending their tours of duty in a suspect war is sending them the right message?) Or, more importantly, will it "embolden the terrorists" and allow them to merely bide their time and hold their breath until time is up? Because, as everyone knows, holding your breath is a time-tested technique for getting rid of the hiccups... but then again, so is drinking a glass of water upside-down and eating a heaping spoon of peanut butter. I've also heard that eating uncooked pasta is supposed to do the trick. Come to think of it... is it just me, or do all hiccup cures sound like the cruel inventions of older siblings trying to make us look ridiculous?

Anyway, moral of the story: Seconds are hiccups... the hiccups of God. In which case, the epic flood (you know, the one with Noah and all the animals) was actually God drinking a glass of water upside-down in an attempt to get rid of the hiccups. But that didn't work, so God said, "Let there be peanut butter." And it was so. But by that point, God had grown accustomed to the hiccups and kinda liked 'em. So God (ever the resourceful one) said, "Let there be peanut butter and jelly sandwiches." And God saw that it was good. Especially with a glass of milk.

What were we talking about again?

My Friend Rabbit

Author/Illustrator: Erich Rohmann

"My friend Rabbit means well. But whatever he does, wherever he goes, trouble follows." Through boldy drawn illustrations and a parade of colorful characters, Rohmann's book shows us the importance of having patience with our friends, even though they may sometimes get us into sticky situations with their zany antics... that's what makes them unique!

For an example of this in real life, one need look no further than the moral lighthouse that is our President. Bush has a friend very much like Rabbit... whatever he does, wherever he goes, trouble follows... and his name is Alberto Gonzales. Despite his continued troubles, Bush steadfastly sticks up for his friend, repeatedly telling the press that he still has the utmost confidence in Gonzales. This despite the fact that our attorney general's greatest strength appears to be his ability to not remember--as anyone who watched the hearings yesterday knows, he apparently cannot recall a damn thing. While the President's continued friendship may be personally reassuring, Gonzales is continuing to feel the heat--but don't feel bad Alberto... you are not the first to taste the bitter sting of presidential friendship.

The Fate of Other Presidential Superfriends:

Donald Rumsfeld: Publicly disgraced, he is now retired and spends his days with his hooka and bongo drum, working on his surrealist poetry.

Lewis "Scooter" Libby: Also tried to use the "I don't remember" legal defense to protect his friends. Now the fall guy is scooting his way to a jail cell near you. He can only hope that his buddies return the favor by giving him a Get Out of Jail Free card.

Paul Wolfowitz: Again, Whatever he does, wherever he goes, trouble follows...

Texas Rangers: Perpetually sucky.

Kenneth Lay: Ummm... they were never really friends anyway. Now he's dead.

So I guess the secondary moral of the story is that sometimes friendship isn't all it's cracked up to be. Run, Rabbit! Run!

Wolf! Wolf!

Author/Illustrator: John Rocco

This is a charming and sumptuously illustrated retelling of the Boy Who Cried Wolf story. (I usually don't like to use "sumptuous" as an adjective, but in this case, I couldn't help myself. If I got to choose one artist to re-illustrate the inside of Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, it would be Rocco. He could make a mud covered rock look delicious.) As in The True Story of the 3 Little Pigs, the world gets to hear the wolf's side of the story and the misunderstood wolf continues his radical public relations makeover. This time, the wolf has entered into the twilight of his life and has become a wise Zen-like gardener who teaches the annoying little boy a valuable life lesson. At last, the wolf community is able to test its acting chops instead of being perpetually typecast as the evil toothy villian from the woods (that role is now being adequately filled by the dynamic duo of Christopher Walken and Steve Buscemi).

While the wolf in children's literature is enjoying a modern day renaissance, wolves as a group still struggle to cultivate a lasting positive image. It doesn't help that the highest ranking wolf in government, Paul Wolfowitz, is doing his best to sully their good name. Wolfowitz has once again found himself in hot water when it was revealed that he played an inappropriate role in getting his girlfriend a raise of over $60,000. (Dude, couldn't you just get her some flowers?) This revelation is doing terrible things to the wolf community's public image--you know you've gone too far when you've offended the World Bank's code of ethics. Add to that Wolf Blitzer and the ridiculously sensationalistic Situation Room (CNN's ode to Entertainment Tonight), and you can see why the wolf community is furious with its human counterparts.

Note: Look for another twist on the boy who cried wolf story in the upcoming book: The Wolf Who Cried AHHHHHHH!!!: Wolf Blitzer and the Rise of the Alarmist Media.

Happy to be Nappy

Author: bell hooks
Illustrator: Chris Raschka

In wake of the fallout from his well-publicized faux pas, radio host Don Imus will attempt to regain his public credibility by joining other "misunderstood" celebrities on a book tour called Books not Bigots: Reading for Reconciliation. Each falling star will spend a month touring elementary schools across the nation reading books that celebrate diversity and preach tolerance. The tour will be coordinated by the Reverend Al Sharpton and the celebrity readers will be supervised by the Reverend Al Sharpton's hair.

Imus will kick off the tour by reading the story of positive self-image and acceptance: Happy to be Nappy. The book was written by bell hooks, the influential intellectual who is an outspoken critic of racism, classism, sexism, and the capitalism of letters. Despite Happy to be Nappy's uplifting message, the tour will not help Imus's image, as he repeatedly scares the bejeezus out of little children at each stop. Love him or leave him, he is one scary-looking dude (no offense to all the scary-looking dudes out there).

Here is the Books not Bigots upcoming schedule of featured authors:

April
Don Imus
Happy to be Nappy
Author: bell hooks
Illustrator: Chris Raschka

May
Joe "Foot in mouth" Biden
Do's and Don'ts
Author/Illustrator: Todd Parr

June
Rosie "Ching-chong, Ching-chong" O'Donnell
American Born Chinese
Author/Illustrator: Gene Luen Yang

July
Michael "$&@?@!!" Richards
The Color of Us
Author/Illustrator: Karen Katz

August
Tim "I hate gay people." Hardaway
We're Different, We're the Same
Author: Bobby Kates
Illustrator: Joe Mathieu

Future celebrities seeking redemption are yet to be announced... but trust us, there will be more. As long as there are people talking, there will be people saying stupid things and regretting it. Who's next? My money is on former U.N. Secretary Kofi Annan. It can't be healthy to be that calm for that long... if anyone is due to go off on an expletive laced rant, it's him.

(Just do it, Mr. Annan... it'll feel so good. We'll start you off easy. Complete this sentence: Looking at John Bolton's moustache made me want to ________. There, doesn't that feel better? Now try this one: Whenever I hear President ________ speak, I want to ________ his condescending ________ and then slap that ________-eating grin off his ________ face.)

In the Night Kitchen

Author/Illustrator: Maurice Sendak

In the Night Kitchen, a story about a boy's surreal dreams of being baked into a cake by the fat man from Laurel & Hardy (in triplicate), first caused a storm of controversy because the illustrations featured a fully naked boy. Despite all the brewhaha, Night Kitchen was named a Caldecott Honoree, and eventually assumed its rightful place among the pantheon of picture book classics. (Seriously, a lot of time has passed since In the Night Kitchen was published in 1970, but you would be hard pressed to find better illustrations.)

Sendak's ability to triumph over controversy brings to mind another situation in our recent political history. The year was 1997. A fierce political battle was being waged over one of the most coveted positions in government. The flames of controversy rose to new heights with the circulation of the following underground campaign flyer:



Okay, so it wasn't exactly Watergate... but there were rumors that I was almost suspended for "distributing child pornography". Excuse me?! It's my ass and i'll do what I want with it! (This is logic that has occassionally gotten me into trouble. But that's the risk you take when you put your ass on the line.) For the record, democracy prevailed and I won the election. However, I was never asked to put the aforementioned ass on any actual line... turns out, there is not much ass-on-lining needed when your main job is to type up minutes and take attendance.

Note: Apparently, the success of my campaign started a popular trend:



All I can say is: "You're welcome, America."