Chicks and Salsa

Author: Neil Numberman
Illustrator: Paulette Bogan

This is a silly story about chickens who are bored of eating the normal barnyard fare and look to spice things up a little bit. Coincidentally, this is also the name of the survival manual for graduating fraternity brothers titled Chicks and Salsa: How to Score with the Ladies in the Big City.

As you'll see in the following excerpt, there are some surprising similarities between the two books.

(Disclaimer: the views expressed in the excerpt below do not necessarily reflect those of the Bottom Shelf.)

RULE #1: LEARN TO SALSA


by Brother Shoehorn (Sigma Alpha Pi) and Brother Moosedroppings (Omega Delta Delta)






Trust us bro. We know you're gonna to feel silly swinging your hips around the dance floor. We know you'd rather be bangin' your backwards baseball cap to some Dave Matthews or the Beastie Boys (who f****in rule!). But trust us dude, it will be well worth your time.

Once you find yourself in the city and away from the comfort of your boys on frat row, you will inevitably find yourself in a club with latin music of some sort. There you will see all kind of bizarre things. You'll see the oldest man there dancing with the blazinest chick in the club. Or worse, some four-eyed doofus pulling a Kucinich* and sashaying across the floor with some hottie. You will ask yourself, "What the?! What is going on here? Have I entered some kind of twilight zone where generic good looks, trust funds, and chugging ability mean nothing anymore?!"



*Pulling a Kucinich: Being with someone who is obviously waaaaaaaaay out of your league.







Don't panic. No need to get your Dockers in a bunch. What's happening is what we like to call the Chicks and Salsa Phenomenon. (Inside Tip: Now that you're in the real world, don't call them chicks. You have to call them "ladies" if you want to get anywhere)... anyways, the problem is that these ladies are in the city and they want to spice up their lives a little bit. Which means that they'll dance with any goof who knows how to salsa. They're tired of the tried and true bars where we are most comfortable. Those home-away-from-homes where we can do boat races or clear off a table for an impromptu game of beer pong. Those bars where we can comfortably stand in one place rhythmically nodding our heads to some righteous tunes.

So, if you know what's good for you... wait, hold on a sec, what are you doing still reading? Reading is for losers! Take our word for it and go sign up for a salsa class now! It will make you a man amongst bros. You can be that dude that's dancing with a chick--i mean, lady--who is out of your league. And don't worry, the salsa only needs to be used for the first month of dating or so, then you can go back to being your awesome fratastic self. Now close this book and get back out there! With any luck, even you can pull a Kucinich of your own!

Guess How Much I Love You

Author: Sam McBratney
Illustrator: Anita Jeram

This classic is one of those quietly perfect books, a true masterpiece where the tone, pacing, and illustrations hit the right note each time. In it, Little Nutbrown Hare and Big Nutbrown Hare go back and forth telling the other one how much they love eachother, playfully trying to outdo the other.

Little Nutbrown Hare uses his arms, legs, toes, and whatever else he has at his disposal (i.e. "I love you as high as I can reach,"). It is the nature of love that we use whatever we can find to demonstrate it. For those of us who are artistically inclined, it may come in the form of a painting or a drawing. Or if you fancy yourself a writer, then maybe you'd write a beautiful love poem.

Or if you happen to be one of the greatest rock guitarists to ever live, I guess you'd write an immortal song. Check out this unbelievable story I read in The Week:

Pattie Boyd (left) inspired two rock 'n' roll legends to create their most beautiful music. In 1969, her husband, George Harrison, wrote his biggest hit, "Something," for her. A year later, their good friend Eric Clapton drew her aside. "He played me the most powerful, moving song I had ever heard," Boyd tells the London Daily Mail, "It was 'Layla,' about a man who fall hopelessly in love with a woman who loves him but is unavailable. He played it to me two or three times, all the while watching my face intently for my reaction. My first thought was, 'Oh God, everyone's going to know this is about me.'"

Boyd had rebuffed Clapton, but he kept trying, and told Harrison, "Man, I'm in love with your wife." One night, Clapton arrived at Harrison's house drunk, and the two men decided to fight over Boyd--with music. "George handed him a guitar and an amp, as an 18th-century gentleman might have handed his rival a sword, and for two hours, without a word, they dueled. The air was electric and the music exciting."

Wow. Can someone PLEASE build a time machine now? If only to go back and record that epic guitar duel between the two drunken masters and post it on YouTube for the rest of us to see, it would be worth it.

Oh and how does the story end? Well... you know that lyric from Something that goes:

Somewhere in her smile she knows
That I don't need no other lover

Apparently her smile doesn't know shit, because "A year later, Boyd left Harrison when she realized he was sleeping with Ringo Starr's wife. She wound up in Clapton's arms."

At first I was going to accuse Harrison of lyrical misrepresentation, but then I realized that he didn't actually lie. Check the lyric again: I don't need no other lover... I'll be damned! That cunning linguist tricked us all with a double negative! (If he doesn't need no other lover... that means that he does need an other lover... right?)

Moral of the story: It's time to stop guessing how much they love you and time to go back and check all your old love letters for grammatical loopholes before you find yourself in for some hard day's nights.

Say Something

Author: Peggy Moss
Illustrator: Lea Lyon

Winner of the 2005 Teacher's Choice Award, Moss's book is a quietly powerful tale about silence in the face of bullying. A popular girl turns a blind eye to bullying and teasing until one day she becomes the butt of the joke. This is an adaptation of the powerful poem First They Came by the Pastor Martin Niemoller. Niemoller's poem (an indictment of complacency in the face of rising Nazism) admittedly dealt with more serious issues than junior high bullying... but the basic premise remains the same.

First they made fun of the Nerds, and I didn’t speak up,
because I wasn’t a Nerd.
Then they made fun of the Dorks, and I didn’t speak up,
because I wasn’t a Dork.
Then they made fun of the Geeks, and I didn’t speak up,
because I wasn't a Geek.
Then they made fun of me, and by that time there was no one left
to speak up for me.

Note: The book is extremely well done... until you get to the appendix. After the story, there is a guide on strategies for dealing with bullying. One section says:

If you are bullied, speak up! Things to say are: "Please stop." "That hurts my feelings." "I haven't done anything to you." Don't be afraid to tell an adult.

Ummm... yeah, right. Follow that advice and there's a good chance that you will either get laughed out of the gym, or pummeled on the playground. While the Say Something approach is well-intentioned, a better strategy (at least for guys) may be to use the Say Anything method:

Lloyd Dobbler's Easy 4 Step Plan for Overcoming Your Dorkdom

1) Take up kickboxing. Tell people its for your own self-satisfaction or to impress the ladies... but really it's just so that while you're getting your ass whooped by jocks, you can at least get one kick in before the ambulance arrives.

2) Wear a trenchcoat. Yes, it's weird and kinda creepy, but do it on the off chance that people will think you're eccentric or mysterious.

3) If you want to get the girl, embarrass yourself with an overly dramatic public demonstration (see picture above). This is NOT optional. Why not? Being a bumbling doofus, you don't have enough going for you to hold anything back. So set your pride aside and put it all out there. It's your only hope.

4) Star in a cheesy but endearing romantic comedy that will ruin the lives of guys everywhere (especially bullies) by warping the romantic expectations of all women who lived in the 80's, thereby sabotaging the relationships of all men (and making Chuck Klosterman's head explode). That's called having the last laugh.

Everywhere Babies

Author: Susan Meyers
Illustrator: Marla Frazee

Myers' playful prose coupled with Frazee's awesome baby portraiture combine to remind us that babies are cute. Not exactly mind-blowing stuff. But what could have been just another baby book separates itself from the pack because of the talented Frazee... there's just something about the way she draws babies that just makes them seem not only adorable, but epic.

Unfortunately for Meyers and Frazee, as with all art, once a work is released into the public sphere, you cannot control what people do with it. In this case, Everywhere Babies has become a political prop as groups on both sides of the abortion debate have grabbed a hold of the book to advance their political interests. Pro-life groups use it to drive home the obvious point: babies are awesome. Pro-choice groups use the book to tell a cautionary tale about a world without Roe v. Wade. (There would be babies everywhere... Everywhere Babies!!!)

With the Supreme Court recently upholding the Partial Birth Abortion Ban, expect to see more of Everywhere Babies as both sides gear up for a potential Supreme Court reconsideration of Roe v. Wade.... a bizarre showdown where 5 dudes in robes have the power to determine what women are (or are not) allowed to do with their bodies.

Everywhere Babies has also found its way into federally-funded abstinence-only education. Last week, the Washington Post reported that abstinence education programs are destributing material with misleading information, that makes condom-use seem less effective than it actually is. (For example, while studies show that the chances of unintended pregnancies while using condoms is 2%, government funded programs incorrectly say that it is 1 in 6 or 17%... Everywhere! Babies!!!)

This should not come as a surprise. At this point, misleading people is standard operating procedure. Though, maybe... if you combined the administration's misleading Sex Ed policy with its failing Foreign Policy, you might come up with something a little more productive. Can two wrongs makes a right? Let's give it a shot:

Current Foreign Policy: Use misleading information to get us into war.
Current Sex Ed Policy: Use misleading information to keep us from getting into bed.
New Foreign Policy: Use misleading information to keep us from getting into war and getting screwed.

Current Sex Ed Policy: Condoms and other forms of contraception are not effective forms of birth control. Abstinence only.
Current Foreign Policy: Talk is cheap. Diplomacy is for the weak.
New Sex Ed Policy: Abstain from talking to anyone. If you isolate yourself from the rest of the world, no one will want to have sex with you anyways.

Current Foreign Policy: Pulling out is not a strategy for victory.
Current Sex Ed Policy: The Rhythm Method is a form of natural birth control.
New Foreign Policy: Set a timetable for pulling out of Iraq before things get even more heated and explosive.

It's not perfect, but policy never is. Next, we combine No Child Left Behind with Environmental Policy and see what comes out. (Though it's risky... you might get something like: We'll try to reverse the negative trends of climate change, but if the climate doesn't start showing adequate yearly progress, we will start imposing sanctions by cutting down trees and shutting down forests.)

The Kiss That Missed

Author/Illustrator: David Melling

It's bedtime and the king blows a kiss to his son... unfortunately, the kiss misses and escapes out the window! The king, being too important to chase after it himself (plus, he's already in his jammies), sends his bravest knight to go and retrieve the royal kiss. God forbid that some poor villager inadvertently enjoys the bittersweet joy of a kiss from the monarchy. (This was actually a common medical nuisance during medieval times. Which is why the "kissing disease" is called "mononucleosis", loosely translated as "originating from the monarchy".)

Unfortunately, the knight cannot chase down the wayward kiss and it eventually finds itself in the pocket of the unsuspecting Hollywood actor, Richard Gere. Then, in an embarrassing display of awkwardness, Gere gives the kiss to Bollywood star Shilpa Shetty at an AIDS benefit concert. Bad idea. This public display of affection causes a royal pain in the ass for all involved and people in Mumbai actually set fire to effigies of Gere.

Which is a ridiculous thing to do. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of reasons to burn Richard Gere in effigy. For starters,

1. He is sometimes called the world's most famous Buddhist.
2. He just kinda sucks.
3. Dr. T and the Women.

I could keep going. Point is, the fact that he kissed a woman in public in a botched publicity stunt is very low on that list. What is even more ridiculous is that people are burning effigies of Ms. Shetty. Are you kidding me?! Wasn't being kissed by an aging Richard Gere punishment enough?

Breaking News: Gere has since fled the scene and, rumor has it, is making his way to Tibet. It is only a matter of time until he strikes again. Someone must warn the Dalai Lama!

Love You When You Whine

Author: Emily Jenkins
Illustrator: Sergio Ruzzier

In this affirming yarn about unconditional love, a mother asserts her love for her child by saying stuff like:

Love you when you whine;
Love you when you don't say 'please';
Love you when you say scream 'lollipop, lollipop, lollipop' forty-five minutes in line at the bank...

and it continues along those lines the whole way through: Love you when you (insert annoying behavior here).

This is book is being lauded as a more realistic, pull-no-punches portrayal of parenting--in contrast to the normally sugar-coated picture books about the perfect and peaceful love between a parent and child. However, if the author really wanted to create a realistic portrayal of the challenge of parenting, she would have called the book, Love You Despite the Fact That You Whine and Sometimes Annoy the Crap Out of Me... But Don't Push Your Luck.

Hollywood Note: If this book sounds familiar, it's because it is a derivative of the climactic scene in When Harry Met Sally, when Billy Crystal says:

"I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts... blah, blah, blah, blah, blah... I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

Again, a more realistic scene would have gone like this:

"I hate that you are a fussy bitch that makes stupid faces when we fight. That being said, I am willing to overlook all that if you'll agree to sleep with me on a semi-consistent basis. Sound good? If so, let's get this thing done quickly so we can file a joint tax return."

Now that's what I call romance.

(To read more about how Hollywood has ruined love for us all, see Chuck Klosterman's essay "This is Emo" from Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs.)

I Love You Like Crazy Cakes

Author: Rose A. Lewis
Illustrator: Jane Dyer

This lovely story about international adoption (along with 50 Cent's immortal lyric, "I love you like a fat kid loves cake") made cake a universally accepted unit of measurement for love. (e.g. "With her latest adoption, Angelina Jolie has proven to have over a million crazy cakes worth of love to give." or "Madonna found herself in a crazy cake's worth of trouble with the international community when she circumvented the law in an attempt to adopt a baby from Malawi.")

However, like roses, different cakes signify different kinds of love... so interpretation can get tricky. According to Lewis's book, "crazy cakes" are used to measure the amount of love between a mother and her adopted baby--but what about other cakes? As a public service, I've included a rudimentary glossary below to help you decipher the messages hidden in those convoluted and calorie-laden love notes. Good luck!

Birthday Cake: Even though you're getting older, I'm still here. I guess that means I love you.

Birthday Cake (with a hidden file inside): I love you, but not enough to wait for parole, so you can either escape from prison or begin cultivating that special friendship with your cellmate.

Birthday Cake (with a hidden stripper inside): Yes, there is a God.

Bundt Cake: I love you, but I feel like something is missing... for starters: a tolerable personality, a basic understanding of good hygiene, and any legitimate job prospects that don't involve some godawful incarnation of Dungeons and Dragons. Plus, you're just not attractive enough for me. So, I guess I was wrong... I don't love you. Give me back my cake.

Cupcake: I don't love you quite enough to bake you a full-sized cake.

Cupcake (with pink frosting and sprinkles): I luv u, and if u luv me back, tell Ryan at lunch so he can tell Jessica, who will tell me, and then I'll meet u by my locker after 5th period!!! TTYL!!!! ;)

Ice Cream Cake: I love you like a friend... kind of like how I love my DVD collection.

Rice Cake: My love may be bland and unsatisfying, but I guarantee that it will not harm you in any way, shape, or form.

Rice Cake (caramel flavored): I can change, I swear! I don't have to be boring! I can take salsa lessons! I'll start gelling my hair! I can--oh, who am I kidding? I give up. I'm going home to play x-box.

Vegan Sugarless Carrot Cake: I am morally opposed to enjoying life. Yes, that includes love. Don't touch me.

Wedding Cake: I love you with all of my heart. Let's spend the rest of our lives together and eventually stop having sex.

Mr. Pusskins

Author/Illustrator: Sam Lloyd

Grumpy Mr. Pusskins the cat lives in a comfortable house and has a loving owner that takes great care of him. Of course, this is not enough for the fickle feline because he is bored and longs for the excitement of the unknown. So he runs away to see if he can find what he's looking for out there. In the end, life is lived, tears are shed, and lessons are learned. Namely the lesson that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence (or for you city dwellers who don't have much grass around, that the snow is always less yellow on the other side of the street).

Note: This book was later adapted into the screenplay for The Last Kiss, starring Zack Braff.

Owen & Mzee: Zoology Is Listening

Given the success of Owen & Mzee, it was only a matter of time before the rest of the zoological world rushed to cash in, as evidenced by these adorable playmates from the Taman Safari Zoo in Indonesia. I can just hear the zoologists thinking: "If the world can fall in love with a fat hippo and an ugly tortoise, imagine what they would do for something that's actually cute... like baby orangutans and baby tigers! Wait, why stop there?! How about TWO baby orangutans and TWO baby tigers?! Cha-ching!" Expect more interesting zoological nursery combinations to emerge in the next few months: Baby penguins riding on top of baby elephants, baby rattlesnakes playing four-square with infant dung beetles... the possibilities are endless.

Reality Check: Mixing baby orangutans and tiger cubs is obviously very cute and sounds harmless enough, but anyone who has seen The Jungle Book knows that this will not end well.

Ms. Rubinstein's Beauty

Author/Illustrator: Pep Montserrat

A heartwarming story about that old wive's tale: Inner Beauty. This is a story of hope that reminds us that no matter how much of a freak you may be and no matter how hopeless things may seem, there is someone out there just as freakish waiting to find you and love you for who you are. Which, coincidentally, is the basis for the new ad campaign for Match.com. (It's okay to look.)

Owen & Mzee: The True Story of a Remarkable Friendship

Authors: Isabella Hatkoff, Craig Hatkoff, and Dr. Paula Kahumbu
Illustrator/Photographer: Peter Greste

This really is an amazing story. For those of you who haven't heard it yet, it's the story of a baby hippo that was orphaned after the 2004 tsunami. After being rescued, he develops a surprising odd-couple friendship with a curmudgeonly old tortoise. You can't make this stuff up. The book itself, however, is disappointing. To get to the heart of this story, you have to wade through a patronizing narrative and pedestrian photography. (There are a few really cute shots, but alot of the pictures look like they were taken by a tourist with a point-and-click digital camera. Some of the blown-up pictures are low resolution and it shows.)

Maybe that's the point... like this book, real friends aren't always eloquent or particularly good looking. (See Exhibit A). However, if can look beyond all their shortcomings, only then will you discover the true meaning of friendship.

Or maybe you need to find new friends. Maybe it just means you'd do just as well reading this article as buying the book.

Runaway Bunny

Author: Margaret Wise Brown
Illustrator: Clement Hurd

The classic heartwarming tale of a rambunctious young bunny looking to run away and see the world, only to have his mother reassure him that no matter where he goes, she will be there to get him because he will always be her "little bunny". In the end, the bunny concedes and decides not to go anywhere.

It'd be interesting to see if the mother is singing the same tune in 30 years when her "little bunny" is 32 years old and still living in the basement because he can't navigate the outside world without his mommy.

The Dot & the Line: a Romance in Lower Mathematics

Author: Norton Juster

In honour of Valentine's Day, here is a timeless love story from the man who brought you The Phantom Tollbooth. This is the story of a straight line who is in love with a dot. The dot, however, is infactuated with a freeflowing and "too cool for school" squiggle. The dejected line goes off and conquers his insecurities by improving himself through the magic of geometry. He then puts on an impressive display that puts the squiggle to shame and wins the heart of the dot.

Rumor has it that Juster wrote this book just before going to his 10 year high school reunion. True or not, Juster's book embodies the dream of every nerd in history: to return to the scene of his shame (high school) as a successful and worldly man that suddenly turns the tables on all those jocks and stoners by winning the girl that had so painfully dismissed him in the past. If this were an eighties movie, the cast would be:

Dot: Molly Ringwald
Line: Anthony Michael Hall
Squiggle: Some unkempt combination of Christian Slater and Judd Nelson

Directed by: Robert Zemekis (only because John Hughes would be too obvious)