Waiting for Winter

Author/Illustrator: Sebastian Meschenmoser

There's not much to be said about this beautiful book that isn't already covered by Elizabeth Bird (as is usually the case), so make sure to read her review. The story is a simple one about forest friends who put off hibernation to stay up and wait for their first snowfall. While waiting, they hypothesize about the nature of snow based on the limited information at their disposal. It's a cute story to be sure and it captures the essential wonder that can come with discovery of the world around us.

I would go into more detail, but the interplay between the illustrations and the pacing of the text is so pitch perfect, it'd be hard to do it justice without spoiling the book. I've only seen two books from him, but Meschenmoser is already one of my favorite illustrators, so if you haven't seen any of his stuff yet, get thee to a library/bookstore! (and check out 7-Imp's feature on him to see some more of his amazing artwork).

Something I will say about the book is that it does a great job of allowing the child to play the role of, for lack of a better phrase, the arbiter of reason. As the furry friends throw out one misguided theory after another, the young reader is pushed from amusement into bemusement, which is a more complex form of humor. They'll be able to shake their heads and, with a wry smile, think something along the lines of "Silly animals, one day they'll realize how wrong they were... when they're older and wiser like me."

This is a rare space for a child to occupy because for the majority of their day they are the inexperienced ones fumbling to make sense of the world. It's a subtle form of role playing which is key for socioemotional development. (Just watch a kid parenting a doll or playing house and you'll see that pretending to be an adult is more than just putting on oversized clothes, they're trying on oversized emotions and roles that preview and help prepare them for the world that awaits.) Waiting for Winter gives the child this kind of temporary "promotion" in the hierarchy of reason... which is quite an achievement for a picture book that is also darned funny.


And speaking of winter, DC is about to get hit by another record snow today. Woohoo!

Note: An always welcome shoutout from the illustrious Fuse #8 at the School Library Journal:

If I have any objection to lodge against Minh of the blog Bottom Shelf Books it is that he appears to have a life of some sort. How else to explain why he chooses to post only once in a while about the picture book genre. Had I my way he would have a miserable existence where only constant blog postings provided him enough comfort and relief to get through a day. Then I could get daily posts out of the man. Ha ha! Instead, I will have to content myself with pieces like this truly lovely take on Sebastian Meschenmoser's Waiting for Winter. I reviewed it myself last year after finding it to be just the greatest little book in creation. Even if you don't believe either of us, believe The New York Times. Minh makes some excellent points about it that completely escaped my notice.

The Paper Bag Princess

Author: Robert Munsch
Illustrator: Michael Martchenko

The moral of The Paper Bag Princess is a welcome and subversive take on your standard fairy tale fare. A pretty princess loses her clothes and realizes in the end that she doesn't need all those pretty clothes to be a princess. She emerges stronger, more independent, and wielding a new vision of femininity that serves her well as she battles dragons, close-minded boyfriends, and the wedding industry.

Unfortunately, I think the message of this book may have been too subtle because the moral seems to have been lost on some of our modern day princesses. Whereas the original Paper Bag Princess shed her clothes in a bold act of defiance, bravely discarding the trappings and confines of traditional femininity, today's female royalty are shedding their clothes for an entirely different reason.

The phenomenon was thoroughly examined in Ariel Levy's Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture, and will be further explored in Almeta Grayson's new book Paper Bag Princess, which profiles the disturbing trend of sexual exploitation as a route to fame. (exhibit A: Paris Hilton; exhibit B: Kim Kardashian).

From Publishers Weekly: "These sobering portraits force the reader to question a society that not only encourages this brand of sexploitation, but rewards it with prime time TV deals and endless magazine covers. A well-balanced but jarring social critique, Paper Bag Princess will change the way you watch TV... and how you see the world."








Note: This started out as a standard satirical post, but I have to admit that I am legitimately disturbed by this. Maybe it's because I'm getting to the age where the idea of fatherhood is not just a distant and abstract concept, but I consistently find myself flipping through the TV saying to myself (or my wife), "Our children will not watch TV. We are moving to a remote cabin in the woods where E! cannot find us." Call me a prude, but the idea of raising a daughter in a world where sex tapes are a legitimate path to stardom scares the sh!t out of me.

A Lighter Note: For a more thorough discussion of the actual Paper Bag Princess, see Fuse #8's profile of the book, which came in at #70 in her Top 100 Picture Books List.

In the News: The Little Engine That Could... Be Controlled By A Boy Genius

A few weeks ago in Poland, a 14 year old boy reconfigures a remote control and used it to take over the local mass transit system. This has been covered in the media as an amusing case of precocious delinquency, but should be taken much more seriously. This is only the beginning.

We all knew this day was coming. We have passed the tipping point and kids are now WAY too smart. Or rather our society has reached a point where technological advancement is so fast and so furious that the only ones mentally flexible enough to keep up are children. Especially when you consider the speed at which government bureacracy travels, is it a surprise that a tech savvy kid could overtake the Department of Transportation which is probably still using computers from last century? And if one lone punk could take over a transit system, what will an army of these kids be capable of?



(Above: The scene of the crime. The young boy sits on the fence, taunting the helpless passengers by waving the remote that controls their fate. )


The unrelenting conveyor belt of progress ensures that one day we will all live in a world that is beyond our ability to understand... we are all just one Mac Convention away from being obsolete.

So, what will the revolution look like?

One thing is for sure: the revolution will not be televised. It won't even be Youtubed or live-blogged. The truth is we have no idea what form the revolution will come in, because it is beyond the ability of our feeble age-crippled minds to even imagine what tomorrow may bring.

But if I had to guess, the coming revolution will be defined by one phrase: Militant Anarchy. These prepubescent geniuses have been honing their skills with a heavy dose of video games, which serve as a comprehensive curriculum for social dispruption. Games such as Halo and Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell (actually, anything with the name Tom Clancy in it) teach the virtues ruthless militarism. Hyperkenetic games such as Grand Theft Auto glorify the chaos that is social anarchy. And now the Wii is going to take these video game dorks and whip them into shape. It's like having a boot camp in your living room that trains the perfect soldiers for the perfect army of tomorrow.

Our only hope is to conscript these prepubescent geniuses into the service of our country by giving them full reign over the Department of Transportation or the Department of the Interior. Let them use their preternatural skills to repair our bridges and generally re-awesome-atize our nation's crumbling infrastructure. It's our only hope. We must harness their powers for good, otherwise we'll find that we are on a fast train to nowhere... and that train is being remote controlled by some punk kid with peach fuzz.

Be afraid, be very afraid.

Book Ban

From: State Board of Education

Re: New Book Ban

Given the raging hugging epidemic that is threatening to overtake our schools (see Alabama, Illinois, and Virginia), the School Board has decided to take preemptive action to stem this tide of unsanctioned emotion.

In response to this disturbing trend, the school board has passed a Zero Tolerance Policy on Physical Contact. This policy includes, hugs, high fives, handshakes, and all other inappropriate forms of Public Display of Affection (PDAs).

In order to maintain the integrity of this new policy, the following books (see list below) are now banned from all school libraries, classrooms, and personal collections. The School Board has decided (through a unanimous vote) that these titles are no longer appropriate because they promote subversive behavior which may undermine the authority of school administrators.

This ban is effective immediately. A School Board representative will be conducting periodic site visits to ensure that these books are no longer present on school grounds. Schools that continue to carry these titles will be reprimanded immediately through a series of escalating sanctions and funding penalties.

Banned Book List

The following books are banned and are to be extricated from all school grounds immediately. This list, however, is a small sample and should not be considered complete. As a precaution, all books with the word "hug" in the title, or any books featuring any illustrations of hugging or hug-like behavior should be permanently removed or placed under lock and key in a state-approved vault until further notice.




Title: HUG
Author/Illustrator: Jez Alborough
Official Reason for Ban: Monkey See, Monkey Do.




Title: Hug Time
Author/Illustrator: Patrick McDonnell
Official Reason for Ban: No time is Hug Time when you're at school.




Title: A Hug Goes Around
Author: Laura Krauss Melmed
Illustrator: Betsy Lewin
Official Reason for Ban: The contagious nature of hugs is precisely the reason for the Zero Tolerance Policy.
Note: The school board is approaching Ms. Melmed and Ms. Lewin to propose that they revise A Hug Goes Around as a cautionary tale for children that will be used in schools to discourage this inappropriate behavior.


Please distribute this list to all faculty, parents, students, and other concerned citizens. We appreciate your cooperation in this matter and cannot stress enough how vital this is to the educational and social-emotional future of our children. Together, we can rid ourselves of this shocking behavior and minimize the disturbing displays of human emotion that are currently infecting our schools.

Sincerely,

State Board of Education

Corduroy

Author/Illustrator: Don Freeman

This is the classic tale of a department store bear who goes out in search of his missing button. In the process, he finds more than a button... he finds friendship and discovers the power of love.

Re-reading this heartwarming book tickles the little nostalgia bone in even the most hardened souls out there. Not only because of Corduroy's triumph, but because the story hearkens back to a simpler time, a Golden Age for Toys... long before things started to go horribly and profoundly wrong.

It's hard to pinpoint exactly when the downward spiral began, but there is no denying that the Age of Innocence is now no more than a distant memory.

Key Moments in the Descending Decency of Toys

Chucky: Not only did this bloodthirsty doll strike fear in children everywhere with its campy gore, but it somehow managed to spawn a lengthy Child's Play series, extending Chucky's reign of terror into the present day.



Left: Seed of Chucky. The low point of pop culture? The low point of all culture? The low point, period?








Tickle Me Elmo: Tyco somehow convinces the world that toys possessed by the devil would be perfect for Christmas.



Left: Comes with free exorcism kit, complete with vial of (faux) holy water. The power of Big Bird compels you!






Toy-tal Recall: Mattel recalls millions of toys because a manufacturer in China used dangerous lead paint... proving that dolls don't have to come alive and wield sharp knives to be deadly.




Left: Barbie. Apparently, her looks can kill.











Threat Level Tonka: The Transportation Security Administration announces that they will start paying extra attention to all radio-controlled toys in airports because they can be used to detonate bombs.



Left: Weapons of Fast Destruction: Batteries Not Included






And then, just when you thought things couldn't get any worse, last week came this latest sordid bit of news:

MR. POTATO HEAD IN ECSTASY BUST: "Customs officers discovered nearly 10.5 ounces of ecstasy tablets hidden inside a Mr. Potato Head toy sent to Australia from Ireland, the agency said Thursday."

















Oh dear.

Yes this is tragic... but deep down, didn't we all see this coming? After his surprising success in Toy Story and Toy Story 2, it was only a matter of time before Potato Head was swept up by the wave of his newfound celebrity.

First came the funky hipster glasses, then the pretentious moustache, and then smuggling a body cavity filled with MDMA across international borders. According to an unconfirmed source, police searched Potato Head's luggage and found a box of glowsticks, 5 cartons of lollipops, and 26 extra smile accessories. Though this is the first time he was caught by the police, Potato Head has been seen living it up with Hollywood's party elite for months now. Next month's US Weekly will have the exclusive exposé, Mr. Potato Head: Lovable Spud or "Raving" Lunatic?


Left: Paparazzi capture a shot of Mr. Potato Head at a rave in downtown L.A.






So as you can see, between the War on Terror and the Bowels of Hollywood, toys have long abandoned the idyllic shelves of the Rockwell-era department stores. Since then, they have traveled down a dark and twisted path to a point where they can no longer be trusted, let alone loved.

So what now? Is there any hope?

Well, let me tell you a story. Long ago, a brave little bear named Corduroy set off into the unknown in search of his lost button. Now it's our turn to follow in his footsteps. Are we brave enough to march into the void to search for our lost innocence, not knowing what we might find?



Heck NO! No, we are NOT brave enough for that! Retreat! RETREAT!!!

The English Roses

Author: Madonna
Illustrator: Jeffrey Fulvimari

4 snooty fashionista teens shun a young classmate because she is too pretty. They make wild assumptions about her based on her looks but (with the help of a particularly bitchy fairy) the 4 girls soon come to see the error of their ways. They learn that pretty girls can have it hard too. (Roll credits and cue the uplifting Kelly Clarkson song!)

The lesson here is an old one: Do not judge a book by its cover. The fact that parents would even consider buying a children's book from an author who once dressed like this:



shows that people are capable of looking past a book's cover... unless, of course, the book is Madonna's Sex which cost a gazillion dollars and came wrapped in a cellophane package. That made it significantly harder to look past the cover, especially if you were under 18 and broke when it came out.

Forward Progress? Note: It is interesting that that book caused such a firestorm of controversy when it first came out in 1994... because by today's standards, the images are actually rather quaint. You'll see more sex in any mainstream grocery store magazine and even today's Abercrombie & Fitch catalogues are more provocative and show more skin.

And the Abercrombie & Fitch website is downright dirty. Seriously, do not click on the site's A&F New Faces link unless you are over 18. (Here is the link. Warning: Kids, Look away. Adults, Do not watch while at work. I didn't want to link to it, but had to because it is so completely ridiculous. When did pornography become mainstream?)

Rumble in the Jungle

Author: Giles Andreae
Illustrator: David Wojtowycz

I have to admit that I was somewhat disappointed when I read this book. Not for what the book is (a fun and colorful collection of jungle poetry), but for what the book is not. Because of the title, I was hoping that it was an illustrated account of THE Rumble in the Jungle, the epic 1974 boxing match between Muhammad Ali and George Foreman that took place in Zaire.

Alas, it was not to be. Which is a shame, because with his unique lyrical stylings and cocky sense of humor, Ali would be the perfect candidate to author a children's book. Unfortunately, since Ali hasn't picked up the pen, we'll have to settle for George Foreman's silly book: Let George Do It!



Author: George Foreman and Fran Manushkin
Illustrator: Whitney Martin

George Foreman has five sons and they are all named George. Not George Junior, George III, or even Curious George... just George. The story follows the crazy mishaps that result from the logistical nightmare of having an entire house of Georges. (Apparently, the original George was so blinded by his crippling megalomania that didn't foresee this being a problem.)

With this picture book, George Foreman's transformation is complete. If you remember him from his boxing days (or if you watch the documentary When We Were Kings), George Foreman was quite possibly the scariest man alive. His sheer size and grizzly scowl were enough to give me the willies even though 3 decades and a television screen separate me from his devastating ham-sized fists.

And now? He is the grinning goofball of George Foreman Grills and a children's book author. Talk about reinventing yourself. Ali may have won the fight on that balmy night in 1974, but give Foreman credit for picking himself up off the mat and infomercialing his way back into our hearts.


Conspiracy Theory Note: Have you ever noticed the eerie similarity between the design aesthetic of the George Foreman Grill...



...and Apple laptops?



Apple's departure from the standard small black laptop design to the refreshingly sleek look launched sales into the stratosphere as they became the hip choice for a generation that defines themselves by their computer use. It is now impossible to go into any coffeeshop or college campus without the ubiquitous glare of the glowing Apple logo. I had always assumed that the aesthetic similarity to the simple and clean design of the Foreman grill was just a coincidence... until I stumbled upon this:



The George Foreman iGrill

"The iGrill is an indoor/outdoor electric grill/roaster with a built-in dock to play your favorite grillin' tunes from your iPod or other MP3 player."







There is only one possible explanation for the release of this absurdity: Foreman was threatening to sue Apple CEO Steve Jobs for stealing his design and they agreed upon an out-of-court settlement. In exchange for dropping the lawsuit, Apple would outfit the Foreman grill for iPod compatibility... despite the fact that no one in their right minds would buy this ridiculous contraption. (Even Sharper Image, the Mecca of Craptastically Useless Gadgets, doesn't carry it.)

Now if they really wanted to make it a worthwhile product and take it to the next level, they could rig the iGrill so that the grease pan (a.k.a. reservoir of fat drippings) connects directly to some kind of biodiesel conversion devise so that you could charge your iPod using the discarded fat from your porkchops.

Now that, my friends, is a tangible step towards a better tomorrow. Who's going to fix the environment? Let George Do It!

No, David!

Author/Illustrator: David Shannon

David is a little rascal who just can't seem to stay out of trouble. Not only can he not stay out of trouble, but he appears to be possessed by the devil himself. Rather than pay for an expensive exorcism, the beleaguered mother can only muster a few frustrated "NO!"s as her son blazes a swath of devastation through the home.

As any parent knows, simply yelling NO! is not going to do the trick. Effective discipline requires patience, consistency... and a little bit of creativity. To get the ball rolling, perhaps David's mother should take some cues from the Thai police force. In a much publicized move, last week the police in Bangkok announced that any police officer violating department rules will be forced to wear a Hello Kitty armband.


From the NY Times: “This new twist is expected to make them feel guilt and shame and prevent them from repeating the offense, no matter how minor,” he said. “Kitty is a cute icon for young girls. It’s not something macho police officers want covering their biceps.”




While there are some grumblings about this policy perpetuating archaic gender stereotypes, there has been a noticeable decline in officer misconduct. So for now, the controversial new policy will stand. Hello Kitty, Goodbye Bad Behavior.

In fact, the policy has proven to be so effective that variations are being adopted by a number of countries and has even made it's way into a few local precincts here in the United States.



Left: Second Lieutenant Ignatius J. Reilly of the San Bernardino Police Department after he failed to submit his timesheet by the 5pm deadline.






Okay, so maybe this wouldn't be the best method of disciplining children. The point is, parenting in the 21st century is going to take some unconventional thinking. Blunt negative reinforcement is soo 20th century. If you want to turn your children into sparkling examples of good behavior, start thinking outside the box!

Though, if you have to think inside the box, do so literally. Go turn on that magic box in your living room, watch Supernanny, and let her prime time disciplinary techniques wash over you. There's nothing like tough love and a no nonsense British accent to tame unruly children. She's like a modern day Mary Poppins... if Mary Poppins were reincarnated as an eggplant. (She's good with kids and a great source of potassium!)

Oh eggplant, is there anything you can't do?

The Story of Ferdinand

Author: Munro Leaf
Illustrator: Robert Lawson

The Story of Ferdinand is the much beloved story (one of my childhood and current day favorites) about a peaceful bull. While his peers indulge in the machismo-soaked culture of bull fighting, Ferdinand just wants to "sit just quietly and smell the flowers". His pacifist approach to life eventually leads the bullfighters to leave him be.

While the story itself is very uplifting, the illustrations throughout the story are surprisingly sprinkled with melancholy images of death. Take this image for example:





"As the years went by Ferdinand grew and grew until he was very big and strong."










Notice the vulture (nature's harbinger of death) perched atop the hollowed tree stump. Ferdinand may be growing big and strong, but in the end, the unforgiving embrace of death awaits him... as it awaits us all. Each successive day is another tick of the clock measuring our steady march towards the grave.

Look closer and you will see vultures appearing throughout Lawson's illustrations; mounted on a sign to Madrid, quietly observing the bull fights... death is waiting around every corner.

One's natural reaction is to question Lawson's sanity... why put in these disturbing images in a book for kids?! What is your deal, you sick, sick, man?! But if you take a moment to pause and consider it... death is not inherently disturbing, it's just a fact. It is only inappropriate if you are afraid to face the inescapable reality of death, which is in fact deluding yourself. Perhaps it is best to be honest with children and subtly introduce them to the unavoidable nature of their eventual demise.

As a wise man once said, "The day you first realize that your life has an end, is the day your life truly begins."

(Note: The man who said this is now dead. I guess he proved his point.)

Ferdinand's hidden message is also a valuable lesson in the limitations of pacifist ideology. While his pacifist stance may save him from violent death in the bullfighting ring, it will not save Ferdinand from death itself. Which is a valuable lesson to learn for anyone considering a lucrative career in pacifism. It's not all flowers and rolling meadows, kids. I mean, look at some of history's most famous pacifists:

Martin Luther King Jr: Shot
Gandhi: Shot
John Lennon: Shot
Mother Theresa: Posthumously Skewered by Christopher Hitchens
Jesus Christ: Crucified
Siddartha Gautama: Poisoned by Bad Meat

My Word... who would knew pacifism could be so dangerous? For those of you who say pacifism is for sissies, think again!

...but at least Ferdinand ends on a positive note: with the image of a beautiful flower; the very thing that brought so much joy to Ferdinand's life; a symbol of peace... DYING. Seriously, on the book's final page (see below) sits a lone flower withering away, its dried petals falling from the stem of its long forgotten glory.




Even the most beautiful things eventually die.

Including You.

The End.

Sweet Dreams, Kiddo!

So Few of Me

Author/Illustrator: Peter Reynolds

A kid named Leo is swamped by all the things he has to do and thinks "I wish there were two of me." Poof! Just like that, there are two of him! Naturally, it doesn't stop there and the clones begin to multiply. Surprisingly, Leo soon finds out that his workload hasn't gotten any smaller with his new help... instead, his list of things just keeps growing.

Given the mounting insanity of his workload, young Leo poses the zen-like question of "What if I did less--but did my best?" That's fine... but you'll never get into a top-notch college with that attitude, young man!

With the increasingly competitive (and insane) nature of college admissions, you would think that students these days would need clones just to keep their resumes up to snuff. When you look at some of these applicants, it seems impossible that one human being (let alone one teenager) could do all this without the help of a clone or two. For an example, check out this pretty typical sample resume:



And we wonder why teenagers are so miserable! It would not surprise me if the most ambitious parents would attempt to harness the power of cloning technology in order to build the most luscious and eye-popping transcript for their children, something guaranteed to blow admissions officers out of their chairs.

Problem is, once a few people resort to cloning, everyone else is going to have to follow suit just to keep up. The whole admissions process will become more corrupt as applicants who must rely on their own abilities will be at a distinct disadvantage to those who can afford a small army of overachievers. Soon cloning will be as prevalent as SAT prep courses (Kaplan, with their finger on the pulse of the lucrative college admissions industry, will soon offer Clone Management courses to go with their standard slate of test prep classes).

Unfortunately, this would not stop with college. Because of the massive student debt that you are burdened with upon graduation, you will need your army of clones to work multiple jobs just to make your monthly payments. One poor soul will work in an investment banking firm, one will struggle as a freelance journalist, one will grow interesting facial hair and work for tips at the local a coffee shop... you get the idea.

Luckily, the odds of this cloning dystopia becoming a reality are slim because most of us are already familiar with the dangers of cloning. This is thanks in large part to the prescient warnings in the groundbreaking scientific treatise, Scientific Progress Goes "Boink" by the eminent scientist and philospher, Bill Watterson. How he didn't win a Nobel Prize for that invaluable contribution to humanity still blows my mind.

Fox Makes Friends

Author/Illustrator: Adam Relf

An adorable little fox wants a friend, so he decides to go out and catch one. His mother quickly corrects him and tells him that you don't catch friends, you make friends.

The fox takes this literally and goes out and builds a friend out of an apple and some sticks. Unfortunately, his apple-headed friend is incredibly boring and doesn't play well with others. Soon a few other animals from the forest show up and they all decide to help the fox make a friend. By the end, in the process of making friends, they have inadvertently become friends. Awww... In lesser hands, this could have been extremely cheezy, but Relf's illustrations are so soul squeezingly adorable, that it works really well.

Relf's book also works because it is a rather astute commentary on the difficulty of forging friendships. Indeed, it is rare for people to directly say "Hey, let's be friends." The more common method is to engage in an activity through which social relations and friendships are built... just as Fox and his buddies build a relationship while working on a project together, most people today make friends through activities such as happy hours, book clubs, or sports.

Sports are a great way to make friends (especially for guys who are typically less comfortable with their emotions) because it allows for the development of camraderie and emotionally significant relationships through a socially acceptable venue. Strong friendships are developed on the playing field and emotional barriers are slowly broken down. (Where else do guys pat eachother on the butt without a second thought?) The sports world creates a useful context upon which friendships can be cultivated and eventually thrive off the field as well.

Sports is such a powerful unifying force that it can extend well beyond the realm of individual friendships and into the global politics. The most startling example is the Iraqi national soccer team, who recently beat Saudi Arabia to win the Asia Cup. This victory prompted throngs of Iraqi citizens to take to the streets in celebration. Shiites and Sunnis rejoiced together, chanting "One Iraq!"

From Harper's: "Sport brings us together while the heads of everything in Baghdad can't bring us together for five years," said one reveler. "If the Iraqi football team ruled us, peace would spread in our home."


Indeed, it appears that where diplomacy and military occupation have failed, soccer has triumphed. Sport may prove to be the best hope yet for quelling the tragic sectarian violence that has been consuming Iraqi cities for years now.

Seizing this unprecented momentum, President Bush finally heeds the country's call for a change of strategy in Iraq and commissioned the conservative think tank, The Heritage Foundation, to produce the following top secret policy initiative:
















The report, called "A Kick in the Balls: Soccer as a Strategy For Ending the Conflict in Iraq" is an attempt to capitalize on the transcendent power of sport as a means of redeveloping a sense of national pride and peaceful coexistence between warring factions in Iraq. The report, which will be delivered to the President early next week includes the following recommendations:



1) Replace the Department of Defense with the Major League Soccer All-Star team.








2) Cut off all ties with new British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and announce that all diplomatic relations with Great Britain will now go through David Beckham.





3) Preemptively commute the sentence of NBA official Tim Donaghy (who is under investigation for rigging games). Put him in charge of officiating for all future soccer matches to ensure that Iraq will always emerge victorious.




4) Pressure the international community to name Pele as the new Secretary General of the United Nations.







5) Appoint Brandi Chastain as the successor to Tony Snow for the position of White House Press Secretary. If anyone questions the president's latest strategy, she will be instructed to take off her top as a diversion. If that doesn't work, she will kick Helen Thomas in the face and shout, "Anybody else want some?!"








6) Request that French president Nicolas Sarkozy lend the services of soccer legend Zinedane Zidane to the Iraq War so that he can serve as a one man army to secure Anbar province.





Surprisingly, this drastic new strategy will garner support in both political parties. Democrats will support the initiative because shifting from a military based occupation to a soccer based occupation will allow them to bring our troops home sooner rather than later (and reverse their sinking standing in the public opinion polls).

Republicans and the White House will support the plan because no one in the United States really pays attention to soccer, so interest in Iraq will quickly evaporate. The less attention on the war, the better off the Republican Party. Soon (to the delight of the embattled Bush administration), CNN will stop covering it all together and the only place you will be able to get updates on the war will be ESPN Deportes.

Mission Accomplished? GOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!

Note: This strategy will not bring an immediate end to all violence. During this past week's celebration, 4 people were killed by celebratory gun fire (which tragically, is a low casualty rate in present-day Iraq). A key component to the success of this plan will be providing the Iraqi population with free bottles of celebratory champagne so that the worst injuries will be limited to the occasional cork to temple.

Boing!

Author/Illustrator: Nick Bruel

A young kangaroo emerges from her mother's pouch to learn how to hop. She watches as her mother and friends demonstrate by bouncing all over the place, but every time she tries she ends up flat on her tail. Finally, someone tells her to empty her pouch. The little kangaroo proceeds to pull out a treasure trove of kid goodies. No wonder she couldn't get off the ground! Once she is free from the weight of her childhood toys, she gives it one more shot and... BOING!

This is a very cute book, but its message is a little outdated. Yes, it used to be true that you needed to shed your childhood baggage before you could make the leap into adulthood... but no more. In today's consumer driven society, there is an entire market dedicated to accomodating the wants and needs of kidtastic adults.

A few pieces of evidence:
-Age of the average video game player: mid 30s
-Last week's top grossing movies were: 1) Harry Potter, 2) Transformers, and 3) Ratatouille (a.k.a. Picture of the Year)
-The World Adult Kickball Association



And that's just the tip of the iceberg. So, as you can see, there is no longer any need to empty your pouch of the trappings of childhood. By all means, take it all with you!

From a sociological standpoint, this makes complete sense. We grew up as the first generation whose childhood was completely oversaturated by commercials. Previous generations were exposed to advertising, but nothing like the ruthless onslaught of brand name bullying that was Saturday Morning Cartoons.

Madison Avenue unleashed an unholy army led by the Trix Rabbit, Zack the Lego Maniac, and the Mario Brothers, cold-blooded mercenaries who easily conquered us and turned us into the most maleable and market-friendly generation of all time. The message that they left us with was an almost zen-like mantra of Gimme Gimme Gimme.

Apparently, the message was so powerful that, not only do we still want (need) to buy stuff, we still want to buy almost the exact same stuff that we did as when we were young. And true to their word, the market is providing us with tons of junk on which to spend our money. Hey, why should kids get to have all the fun?

This redefinition of adulthood is a phenomenon that is described in excruciatingly pithy detail by the controversial new book, Welcome to Neverland: How the Free Market Raised Us To Be a Generation of Peter Pansies.

Keep in mind, I am not disparaging anyone for "not growing up." As someone who spends his spare time writing about picture books, I'm the last one to pass judgement. As they say, people who live in glass houses should not throw stones.

...which I always thought was a pretty silly saying--I mean, who the heck lives in a glass house? Then I saw this picture of a celebrated "postmodern" house designed by the famous architect Philip Johnson in 1949:













Well I'll be damned. So yeah, I guess they're right. If you happen to be unlucky enough to live in this ridiculous glass house (in New Canaan, Connecticut of all places), it would not be a good idea to throw stones. Unless it's to throw them at the guy who had the brilliant idea to build your house with glass walls. In which case, throw away. I won't judge you.

Piano Piano

Author: Davide Cali
Illustrator: Eric Heliot

Piano Piano is an energetic story about a young boy (with an unhealthy addiction to hair gel) who is forced by his mother to practice piano so that he can grow up to be a grand pianist. Cali displays a quirky sense of humor and truly captures the emotional distress of being made to practice an instrument against your will. (As someone who once cried rather than practice Pachelbel's Canon, I can speak from experience.) It soon becomes obvious that the boy's mother is attempting to atone for her own childhood disappointments by forcing her son to succeed where she failed. Tsk, tsk.

Boundaries regarding parental control over their child has always been a difficult issue. In fact, it is at the heart of the debate surrounding one of the United States' most ignominious distinctions--according to UNICEF, there are only 2 countries that have not signed onto the Convention on the Rights of the Child: the United States and Somalia.

Somalia has not signed on because it does not have a recognized government. That's a decent excuse. This is not the case in the United States. Here in the good ol' U.S. of A. we recognize our government. We recognize it as a conglomeration of talking heads backed by the deep pockets of corporate interest and led by a condescending idiot... but we do recognize it.

It came as a surprise to me that one of the forces preventing the U.S. from ratifying this convention is a powerful opposition lobby that is afraid that the Convention will undermine the rights of the parents in the parent-child relationship.

Now, I haven't read the Convention thoroughly, so this may be oversimplifying things... but this is bulldoodoo. How is it possible that we are the only country of note who refuses to sign this? And is there really an anti-child rights lobby?!



What we need is an outside voice of reason to straighten things out. In Piano Piano the wise grandfather steps in and acts as the calming force that leads the family towards a common sense resolution. Who can the United States turn to help it come to its senses?

Nelson Mandela and the Council of Elders, that's who!

I just read about this in the Washington Post the other day and have been giddy ever since. Nelson Mandela has been holding meetings on a remote, privately-owned island to form a group of retired global leaders who will be able to tackle world problems unfettered by the burden of national or international politics.

The international council will be chaired by Archbishop Desmond Tutu and will include such stalwarts as former U.S. president Jimmy Carter, former UN secretary general Kofi Annan, women's rights champion Ela Bhatt, longtime children's rights advocate (and Mandela's wife) Graca Machel; and Microcredit Superstar/Nobel Peace Prize winner Muhammad Yunus, among others.

How freakin' cool is that? It sounds like something straight out of a comic book... like the Justice League on Metamucil. To make it even more like a comic book, the council is funded by an eccentric egomaniacal billionaire (Richard Branson). This leaves the door open for a plot twist where Branson turns out to be an evil genius who is using the Council of Elders as part of his twisted plan to take over the world.

"Can the Council of Elders foil Branson's evil plan before it's too late? Tune in next week when the Dalai Llama and the ghost of Mother Teresa attempt to rescue the Elders, who are being held hostage in Branson's secret island lair!"

Whatever happens, there is no denying that the world just seems cooler and more epic now that there is something called the Council of Elders in existence. Even if all they do is hang around playing shuffleboard and watching reruns of Matlock, it still sounds cool as hell.

Though, if they knew what was good for them, Matlock would already be on the Council... along with the Wonder Twins: Amma the Hugging Saint and the elder statesman of hip-hop, Chuck D.

Note from Mandela: If Flava Flav calls to ask about his seat on the council, tell him his invitation must have been, umm... lost in the mail. Sorry Foofy Foofy, there's just no room left... now go back to your love nest at Vh-1 headquarters, you silly silly peanut man.

"I'm Not Cute!"

Author/Illustrator: Jonathan Allen

"I'm Not Cute" is a charmingly simple tale that also serves as a diagnosis of an unfortunate symptom of the life of a child television or movie star. As with many child stars, the baby owl struggles to convince the public that is not just a cute face. This is what is commonly known as the "I'm Note Cute!" Syndrome. There are several possible paths open to the baby owl. Below are the historically most likely scenarios.

Scenario 1: Never manage to break the suffocating mold of childhood fame and eventually disappear into the misty hills of obscurity.


Exhibit A: Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Sorry, Simba. The Circle of Life for a child star is painfully unforgiving.




Scenario 2: Burn out in a blaze of glory, never to fully recover.


Exhibit B: Corey Feldman
Last spotted on VH-1s The Surreal Life. It doesn't get any lower.



Scenario 3: Temporarily fade from the limelight only to reemerge and go on to have a successful career as an adult.


Exhibit C: Alyssa Milano
a.k.a. The boyhood crush that keeps on giving.





Scenario 4: Manage to survive the spectacular flame-out, and then (after years of rehab) rise from the ashes to reclaim stardom with a vengeance.


Exhibit D: Drew Barrymore
Went from snorting cocaine at 13 to Ambassador Against Hunger for the United Nations World Food Programme at 31. Not bad.



While Barrymore's recent nomination as U.N. Ambassador is impressive, she is not the first child star to succeed in the political realm. That distinction belongs to the mother of all child stars: Shirley Temple Black, who went from a life as an international childhood sensation to a distinguished career in international politics.



From the Good Ship Lollipop...







... to serving as the U.S. Ambassador to Czechoslovakia during the Velvet Revolution (which, by the way, was hands down the coolest name for a revolution ever).



As these stars prove, the "I'm Not Cute" Syndrome is not fatal... but it is life-threatening and can have crippling long term side effects if you're not careful. So if you hear "cha-ching!" every time you look at your adorable offspring, just take a minute and consider the tragic fate of the kids from Different Strokes... that should at least slow down the money train long enough for you to jump off before it's too late.


What are we talkin' bout, Willis? We're talking about the exploitation of children leading to irreparable psychological damage with sometimes tragic consequences, that's what we're talkin' bout.





Tricky Dicks Note: (Warning--juvenile and crass pun ahead.)

Slate just featured an article about recently released Nixon documents. Within those documents, there was a memo revealing that our former president dealt with the opposite of the "I'm Not Cute" Syndrome. He struggled with what doctors refer to as the "I'm Not a Cold and Heartless Bastard" Syndrome. You can read the article and the original memo here, but here's a taste:

Nixon complained that "average voters" regarded RN as "an efficient, crafty, cold, machine." To help correct this common misconception, Nixon cited "warm items" (Page 3) such as "the calls that I make to people when they are sick, even though they no longer mean anything to anybody" (Page 4). "I called some mothers and wives of men that had been killed in Vietnam," he added, helpfully.

Because he was Nixon, he resented somewhat the social imperative that the president be courteous. "[W]e have gone far beyond any previous president … in breaking our backs to be nicey-nice to the Cabinet, staff and the Congress … around Christmastime," Nixon groused (Page 3). "I have treated them like dignified human beings and not like dirt under my feet" (Page 4), he continued.

Ahh... there's nothing like an efficiently calculating memorandum to your staffers to help convince the American public that you aren't efficient or calculating. Now, I just can't wait until three decades down the road when we finally get to see some of Vice President Dick Cheney's secret files (if they still exist).

Just think, given all the ridiculousness that's been coming out about the ultra-secretive Vice President's office lately... if that's the stuff we do get to see, just imagine what bizarre and delicious treats he's hiding from us in those unmarked drawers and file cabinets!

Word is that Comedy Central is already planning to bring John Stewart and Stephen Colbert out of retirement for just that occasion. The special will be called:

The Daily Show Reunion Special 2037
Inside Cheney's Drawers: The Dick We Never Knew

If you have TiVo... set it now.