26 March 2008

The Secret of Water

Author/Illustrator: Dr. Masaru Emoto

In this book, Dr. Emoto utilizes the mind-boggling power of photography to reveal the magic behind our most precious natural resource: Water. While the book does a good job of showcasing the glory of our liquid friend, the book is a little antiquated--because, as well all know, plain water just doesn't cut it anymore. Not when we've got:

-Gatorade: Nothing Hydrates Better On Any Planet
-POWERade: Power Up With POWERade!
-SmartWater: Electrolyte Enhanced Hydration, Vapor Distilled Purity

And now the latest offering of uber-water: Snapple Antioxident Water: Designed To Protectify!. (Note: I didn't make up any of those slogans. I could only hope to be so funny.)

But plain old tap water? How boring. How passe. How last century.

Plain water has taken such a vicious PR hit lately that local governments have taken matters into their own hands. Recent studies have found all kinds of goodies in tap water--apparently cities are taking a hint and looking to infuse their boring product with a much needed dose of awesome.

NYC Water! Designed to Soothify and Freakify!

Our water quenches your thirst and your soul with an enlightened mix of drugs that will take care of your aches, infections, seizures and high blood pressure all with one spiritually satisfying sip--and for all you cougars out there, we've added a dose of hormones to help out with that pesky menopause... rrrrowr!

DC Water: Scientifically Proven to Rock Your World!
Engineered by an illustrious (almost-certified) group of scientists, our water is ultra-fortified with anti-seizure medication, two anti-inflammatory drugs, two kinds of antibiotics, a common disinfectant... and because you've got places to go, people to see... CAFFEINE!!! That's right, we put the "what?!" in "water"!

Hmmmm... on second thought, after hearing about the medicine cabinet that's pouring out of my faucet, maybe it's better if I don't know the secret of water. I'll just play it safe from now on... someone pass me a Guinness.

20 March 2008

Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?

Author: Bill Martin Jr.
Illustrator: Eric Carle

Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? Well, if you take the time to look out your window, you may notice that spring has come unusually early this year. In fact, scientists have been tracking this phenomenon and have found that spring has indeed been creeping up on us earlier and earlier every year. Experts all over the world are trying to figure out what the environmental implications of this disturbing trend.

But we here at the Bottom Shelf already know the greatest threat of global warming:Grumpy Bears.

This is especially bad because we, as a society, have grown complacent. We have been lulled into a false sense of security by the friendly characters we see on TV... like that lovable thief Yogi and the disarmingly maternal Baloo. We have grown accustomed to seeing these mammoth beasts as nature's gentle giants. But this will quickly change as winters grow shorter and shorter every year. As nature encroaches on valuable hibernation time, we may find that these gentle giants are not so gentle anymore.

We all know that nothing puts you in a worse mood than waking up before you're ready (especially on Monday mornings). Now imagine that you are forced to wake up about a month early. And that you are 800 pounds with razor sharp claws.

Now imagine EVERY bear in the world waking up in a bad mood. Do you see where we're headed here? We feeble humans are no match for pandemic bear rage.

A Bleak Vision of Tomorrow: Yes, the children are still the future... but is that future in danger of being consumed by grumpy bears?

It may already be too late. This could be the spring when the bear nation wakes up on the wrong side of the cave and overwhelms the world with a deadly case of the Mondays.

Indeed, the first sign of the apocalypse may have come earlier this week with the whole Bear Stearns debacle. While the Fed managed to temporarily avoid crisis by bailing out the troublesome Bears, we simply do not have the capacity to buy out every Stern Bear that comes out of the woodwork.

And if this clip is any indication, all the money in the world won't make a difference. We don't stand a chance.

13 March 2008

Bottom Shelf Properties: Featured Listing


This charming property may be a "little" house, but it has a big heart. It is strong and well-built and has withstood several relocations (Disclosure: there may be some wear and tear from city living). Classic design will transport you back to a more innocent time. Extremely motivated seller. No bid is too low! Will basically accept any offer to avoid foreclosure.

For more information, contact:

Real Estate Agent Virginia L. Burton

04 March 2008

Money, Money, Money

With the threat of a recession breathing down our necks, Congress has decided to provide some relief with an economic stimulus package--which will include a tax rebate. Whether this will turn the economy around remains to be seen. But at the very least, it will put a little extra money in all of our pockets. So, today's question is:

What will you do with your tax rebate?

Harold: I've been meaning to broaden my artistic horizons a bit, so I'd really like to buy a new crayon... I've been wanting to get my hands on a nice Burnt Sienna for some time now. That would be sweet.

Mahalia Mouse: Student Loans. Student Freakin' Loans.

Very Hungry Caterpillar: I'm going out to buy some Ben and Jerry's, a handful of Jolly Ranchers, maybe a couple chili cheez dogs... and then some Tums. For some reason my stomach is killing me.

Clifford the Big Red Dog: Four words: World's Biggest Fire Hydrant.

Old Woman (who lived in a shoe): Well, given that I will get an additional rebate for each kid that I have, I should have more money than I know what to do with. The smart thing to do would be to put it all into an interest bearing account to build up a college fund for all these little rascals--but to heck with it. I'm saving the money for my retirement so I can move into a nice high rise someday, maybe something in a nice suede pump.

The Little Engine That Could: I'm hoping to go from being "The Little Engine That Could" to "The Little Engine That Doesn't Have To Anymore." Early retirement, here I come! Whoo! Whoo!

Corduroy: Forget a new button, I'm buying myself a whole new suit from Calvin Klein!

Runny Babbit: I'd hove to lire a theech sperapist. (translation: I'd love to hire a speech therapist.)

03 March 2008

BSB Flashback: Max Moves to Moscow

Following yesterday's election in Russia, it appears that there is a new top dog in town... though it looks like he will be on a tight leash controlled by the old top dog.

7 May 2007

Author/Illustrator: Winifred Riser

Max Moves to Moscow is a revealing story about America's influence on life in post-communist Russia. Max the black lab (democracy) moves from the U.S. to Russia. At first, he encounters an unwelcoming society that is buried under a thick blanket of snow from the harsh communist winter (and the literally cold war). However, due to his persistence and American can-do attitude, Max eventually makes friends with the dogs in the park and teaches them a new ball game (capitalism). This game proves to have a steep learning curve and the dogs keep losing the balls in the snow.

When the snow eventually melts, suddenly there are balls all over the place, ushering in a period of general chaos as the dogs struggle to deal with their newfound wealth. Yeltsin the Russian Bulldog eventually takes charge of the game and keeps the balls for himself and his friends... while the other dogs wait in long lines for toilet paper.

Eventually, Yeltsin eventually tires of playing and Putin the Russian Greyhound takes over. He immediately tightens the rules of the game by instituting a ruthlessly efficient authoritarian style of play. More dogs get to play, but they aren't even sure if it's the same game anymore... or if they still want to play. Problem is, no one dares to stop or even call timeout. When Putin says play, you play--because his bite is definitely worse than his bark. Case in point: the last dog that tried to get out of the game mysteriously died from uranium poisoning.