The Paper Bag Princess

Author: Robert Munsch
Illustrator: Michael Martchenko

The moral of The Paper Bag Princess is a welcome and subversive take on your standard fairy tale fare. A pretty princess loses her clothes and realizes in the end that she doesn't need all those pretty clothes to be a princess. She emerges stronger, more independent, and wielding a new vision of femininity that serves her well as she battles dragons, close-minded boyfriends, and the wedding industry.

Unfortunately, I think the message of this book may have been too subtle because the moral seems to have been lost on some of our modern day princesses. Whereas the original Paper Bag Princess shed her clothes in a bold act of defiance, bravely discarding the trappings and confines of traditional femininity, today's female royalty are shedding their clothes for an entirely different reason.

The phenomenon was thoroughly examined in Ariel Levy's Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture, and will be further explored in Almeta Grayson's new book Paper Bag Princess, which profiles the disturbing trend of sexual exploitation as a route to fame. (exhibit A: Paris Hilton; exhibit B: Kim Kardashian).

From Publishers Weekly: "These sobering portraits force the reader to question a society that not only encourages this brand of sexploitation, but rewards it with prime time TV deals and endless magazine covers. A well-balanced but jarring social critique, Paper Bag Princess will change the way you watch TV... and how you see the world."








Note: This started out as a standard satirical post, but I have to admit that I am legitimately disturbed by this. Maybe it's because I'm getting to the age where the idea of fatherhood is not just a distant and abstract concept, but I consistently find myself flipping through the TV saying to myself (or my wife), "Our children will not watch TV. We are moving to a remote cabin in the woods where E! cannot find us." Call me a prude, but the idea of raising a daughter in a world where sex tapes are a legitimate path to stardom scares the sh!t out of me.

A Lighter Note: For a more thorough discussion of the actual Paper Bag Princess, see Fuse #8's profile of the book, which came in at #70 in her Top 100 Picture Books List.

Petunia: A Cautionary Tale for the Modern Jackass

Author/Illustrator: Roger Duvoisin

Modern Jackass (n.): a person that talks expertly about something he/she actually knows very little or nothing about.

Modern Jackass is a term that was recently made popular by nasally heartthrob and king of geeks, Ira Glass. It gained traction with a This American Life episode dedicated to the modern condition of speaking at length and with confidence on topics that you are not qualified talk about, let alone pontificate on.

(Disclosure: I didn't listen to that particular show, so my talking about the show without actually listening to it is in itself an example of Modern Jackass-ism. Does that blow your mind?)

This phenomenon seems somewhat unavoidable in today's society due to two pervasive issues:

1) The overwhelming availability of information and the constant barrage of stimulus has rendered the modern mind virtually paralyzed by Attention Deficit Disorder. (Seriously, there are times when I can barely read a paragraph without a commercial break.) As a society populated by minds that flutter and flit about like hummingbirds on crack, it's a minor miracle that any of us know anything.

2) Information flows so quickly and the news cycle spins at such a furious pace that it takes an obsessive nature of almost maniacal proportions just to keep up with the ever shifting nuances of any issue. This was most obvious during the presidential campaign, when breaking news in the morning was already yesterday's news by lunchtime (which was bad for the real yesterday's news which had already become ancient history). Given the speed at which we operate nowadays, you get the feeling that just blinking means you've fallen behind... and possibly into jackass territory.

While these conditions make Modern Jackass-ism seem like a new phenomenon, we all know that talking out of line has been around since the beginning of time. It was captured perfectly by Roger Duvoisin in seminal work on the matter: Petunia.

First published in 1950 (well before Ira Glass was born and waaaay before he ever donned his first pair of hipster-intellectual glasses), Petunia is the story of a silly goose who gets her wings on a book and thinks that automatically makes her wise. The other barnyard animals, seeing her walk around with her proud head held high in the air and a book in her arms, also think that she must be wise... so they ask her for advice. Petunia gladly gives her ill-advice, and eventually Petunia's pride and false wisdom ends up blowing up in all their faces (quite literally).

As this classic children's book shows, speaking out when you don't know what you're talking about is nothing particularly new. Whether you call it Modern Jackass or the Petunia Syndrome, at the end of the day we're all just a bunch of old-fashioned dumbasses.

Live From The Bottom Shelf: The Punk Farm Nation

Punkfarmspace: How Social Networking is Transforming Fandom
by Cluck Roosterman

On Monday I wrote about how Punk Farm is quietly undermining the oppressive foundation of the corporate music industry. And while it is true that the creative force of the band is the engine that drives this movement, the deeper reality is that without their fans, Punk Farm would be stuck in neutral. Any great movement needs a critical mass of support in order to gain the necessary momentum towards lasting social change.

So, does Punk Farm must have a critical mass of fans?

You have no idea.

As I followed the band on the road, I was struck by the hysteria that greeted us at each site. As a rock historian, I haven't seen a group of fans identify this closely with a band since the Phishheads of the early 90s... and before that, the Deadheads who followed the Grateful Dead to concerts all over the world. I couldn't wrap my chicken little head around this... how did a small underground farm band gain such a loyal and downright obsessive fanbase? How did the Punk Farm Nation come into being, let alone reach such a feverish pitch?

The answer was simple: Social Networking.

We are in the Age of MySpace and Facebook, an age where an army of similarly-minded people are but a few clicks away. Whereas before it could take years for an upstart band to gain any sort of traction, today you are just a cool website or a hipster doofus music video away from superstardom. People can debate the positives and the negatives of this evolution of human interaction, but there is no debating this: Social Networking is a force to be reckoned with.

The Punk Farm Nation started out with a few loyal fans but spread like wildfire with the launching of Punkfarmspace, an on-line community where fans could convene to discuss their favorite thing: Punk Farm.

This has had a revolutionary effect on the very nature of fandom. No longer are fans just anonymous faces in a crowd of adoring and screaming Beatlemaniacs. Through the power of these social networks, fans are not just just observers, they now have the power to shape the destiny of their favorite band by engaging in what is being dubbed "participatory fanhood."

But that's enough from me. I could go on for days, but rather than listen to me describe the Punk Farm Nation, I decided to do what any intrepid reporter would do and go straight to the source. So while Punk Farm was rockin' out stage, I waded through the crowds and interviewed some of the citizens of the growing Punk Farm Nation. Here's a taste of what I found.



Fan 1: Isaiah (Colorado)

CR: As a Punk Farm uber-fan, do you ever worry that your adoration will undermine the punk rock spirit of the band? Is popularity at odds with punk rock?



Isaiah: N'aaaah. I wouldn't say. It's more of a movement than anything. As long as the dudes and dudettes of PF don't let all that love go to their heads, they'll be fine. They've been rocking the underground scene for so long now, if a little success goes their way, that's cool. As long as they keep true to their spirit and they continue to share that spirit with others, it's all good.


Fan 2: Shep (Wisconsin)

CR: Describe the experience of hearing Punk Farm for the first time. What is it about Punk Farm that appeals to you?






Shep: Oh man, oh man - I was there! I was there at one of their very first shows in Wisconsin. It blew my mind, shattered my sense of reality. I've seen every Punk Farm show since. And what appeals to me... What doesn't? The drumming, the bass....all the chicken feed you can eat!


Fan 3: Jesi (Texas)

CR: Has listening to Punk Farm had any effect on your relationship with your farmer?





Jesi: OMG - I like totally snuck out of the barn with my BFF to see the show when they were in town. The farmer caught us when we were trying to sneak back in and he made us do all this extra work. So yeah, it put a strain on us and now he has trust issues, but like - it's Punk Farm. I saw them live! I touched Pig, I took a picture with him! That's stuff I'll be telling my grandkids!

(Note: In this author's opinion, Jesi is definitely the frontrunner to win Pig's portrait in the Punk Farm Raffle. She's got #1 Pig Fan written all over her... literally. Seriously, I think she took a magic marker and wrote "#1 Pig Fan" all over her arms and hooves.)


Fan 4: Jerome (Maine)

CR: Is Punk Farm better recorded or live?





Jerome: Oh man, it's no comparison. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love PF's tracks and the sound that they are able to achieve in the studio, it's like putting a genie in a bottle, but you just can't fully replicate the experience in a recording. Seeing PF live is so wicked cool and I highly suggest it to any animal who may be reading this right now. You get to get your groove on with like minded individuals and just soak in the rock!


Fan 5: Tammy (Florida)

CR: If you could choose another band/artist for Punk Farm to collaborate with, which band/artist would that be?




Tammy: I listen to a lot of obscure bands, some stuff from overseas, so I'd love to see PF take a route less taken. What about Puffy Amiyumi? That would becool. Though they wouldn't understand each other. Or maybe the Groovie Ghoulies? I don't know. I just think it would be cool to see a collaboration no one would expect!

...and that's just the tip of the iceberg. Go to Punkfarmspace and you'll see that the Punk Farm Nation extends far beyond the fences of any barnyard, far beyond any artificial boundaries... in fact, if I've learned anything on this long strange trip, it's this: Once the rock gets rolling, it cannot be stopped.

-CR

Cluck Roosterman is a renowned rock critic and best-selling author os Sex, Drugs, & Chicken Feed and Last One is a Rotten Egg: The Merciful Death of Glamrock. His newest book, Dark Meat Only: The Resurgence of Goth Culture will be released in the Spring.

Live From the Bottom Shelf: On the Road With Punk Farm

Is Punk Farm the World's Most Dangerous Band?
by Cluck Roosterman



Cluck Roosterman here, reporting from the road with Punk Farm. I'm crammed into the back of the Rock Van, pecking away at my laptop. It's been a long strange trip. We started in Maine, zipped down I-91 to Miami, journeyed west to Texas and then finished the tour in Colorado. It's been a whirlwind to say the least. I don't want to go into detail, so I'll just say one thing about Sheep's driving: I'm glad I brought a large supply of Dramamine.

But I'm not here to tell you about life on the road. That was well chronicled in Punk Farm on Tour. My job as a reporter is to dig deeper and offer the broader cultural analysis that you don't hear at the water cooler or slop trough. So what don't you know about Punk Farm? How about this:

Punk Farm is the most dangerous band in the world.

This is not just overzealous reporter's hyperbole. It is a fact. Punk Farm strikes fear in the hearts of record executives everywhere. If you listen closely, you can hear them shaking in their designer Italian boots. Here's why.

A few months ago, the powerhouse band Radiohead made headlines by releasing their album, In Rainbows directly through their website, effectively cutting out all middle men (and/or middle women). They offered it essentially for free, allowing their fans to decide how much they wanted to pay (if at all). The gamble paid off and the band made a tidy profit off this revolutionary brand of optional capitalism. The press hailed it as a breakthrough in the struggle between artists and the exploitative music industry. The times, they are a'changin'.

However, Radiohead was not the first band to strike a blow against the corporate fat cats. Punk Farm had been releasing their music for free on their website for over a year now. Well before Radiohead shocked the mainstream media, Punk Farm rattled the nerves of record executives across the nation. It was such a shock to the music industry that legendary record mogul David Geffen released a cryptic memo in 2006 which simply read "Punk Farm must be stopped."

Last week I called up my good friend Naomi Klein, author of the anti-corporate No Logo and the anti-evil The Shock Doctrine. She told me that she considered Punk Farm to be "the first truly anti-corporate band in the world. Most bands claim to be revolutionary, but they are really just amped-up collections of false bravado and simplistically inflammatory lyrics. Every band at heart is slave to their sales numbers. By releasing their music for free, Punk Farm broke free from those shackles and haven't looked back. Without the burden of financial compensation, they are free to create art in its purest form. Because they are not beholden to 'the man' is why they are the only band that can truly 'stick it to the man'. 'The Man' in this case being the corporate music industry... and Farmer Joe."

I was intrigued by this, so on our way from Colorado back to the farm (a trip made in record time... again, a big shout out to the makers of Dramamine), I took a minute to ask the band about their status as the most dangerous band in the world.



CR: Whose idea was it to release your music for free?

SHEEP: It was pretty much a mutual decision. I mean, we didn't really have any contacts at any record labels and we were picking up a decent Wi-Fi signal from one of our neighbors....so we just went with it.

COW: We wanted to get our music out there, you know? What is music worth if it doesn't have ears to listen to it?

CR: Did Radiohead contact you for advice before they released their album? Do you think Radiohead's new strategy has the potential to revolutionize the music industry?

GOAT: Thom Yorke and I are tight. We email. He wrote one day and was all, "Hey Goat, are you cool with us doing this?" And I was all like, "Whatever dude, whatever floats your boat." So Radiohead put their stuff out for free and got massive publicity for it.

CHICKEN: It might revolutionize the industry, but who knows? It sure is a nice thought, though.



CR: Aren't you the least bit tempted to go corporate and cash in on your popularity? Just imagine what you could do with those millions of dollars...

PIG: There are millions of dollars in CD sales? Seriously? Man, maybe we should see about...

SHEEP: Pig, come on man. Don't be so naive. There are millions of dollars to be made, but for the corporate big wigs. Not us little livestock.

CR: Since the animals are the ones that do all the real work, does Farmer Joe share any of his agricultural profits with you?

PIG: No, all we get is some stacks of hay and feed. Not even good feed, how about something with some spice to it? A little kick, a little something!

CR: I hear that you are raffling off original artwork this week. What will the money be used for?

SHEEP: Yes, this is true. We sat for portraits by artist Jarrett Krosoczka. The money raised is going to go to two places. Most of the money will go to this non-profit group called the Central Massachusetts Arts Assembly. This is a group that is important to our man Scott Cambot, and he produced our latest tracks. Another part of the money will go to paying for the costs of recording the music and to the people who make our songs possible. People like Scott, Thom, and Erik who tune our instruments and stuff.

CR: Whose painting do you think will raise the most money? Doesn't this have the potential to create tension between you all? Is there any behind the scenes betting going on between the band to see who can drum up the most interest?




PIG: Mine!












SHEEP: Oh, here we go!











COW: I don't know, I wouldn't underestimate the popularity of Goat.











GOAT: Oh shucks, I'm totally blushing, dude.










CHICKEN: People like chickens, don't they? I hope someone tries to win mine. Oh.....what if they don't? Oh....







PIG: I don't think it will cause any tension between us. Just as long as people understand that I will get the most tickets sold....

COW: Well, I don't plan on advocating, but if people would like to help boost my self-esteem...so be it!

CHICKEN: I'm not going to get any sleep all week....


To buy tickets for a chance to win one of these original band portraits (the ones pictured above), go to the Punk Farm Raffle website. And remember, rock memorabilia is a great investment. Clapton sold one of his guitars for $959,500 and he wasn't half the guitarist that Pig is. With the dollar being as weak as it is, this may be the last worthwhile investment opportunity of the decade.

As for who will raise the most money... based on my time with the band, the safe bet is for Pig to rake in the most cash, but I'm inclined to agree with Cow. My money is on Goat as the silent-but-deadly dark horse candidate.

Okay, that's it for now. If I don't stop typing now, I'm going to get sick all over the backseat of the Rock Van. For the rest of the Punk Farm Interview series, check out the BSB archives. And be sure to check back in on Wednesday for Part 2 in which I explore the social networking phenomenon known as punkfarmspace.

Until then: Rock on, Rock off, I don't care. As long as there is Rock involved.

-CR

Live From the Bottom Shelf: PUNK FARM (Part Two)

by Cluck Roosterman

On Monday I sat down with Punk Farm as a group to ask them about their newfound fame. Today, I had the opportunity to take each member aside to get a little more personal... and to address some of the rumors that have been making their way through the internet and into the gossip magazines. Does Punk Farm care about these rumors? No, because they are punk. Do we care about these rumors? YES, because we are fans. It is our job to care. And so, I give you Part 2 of my interview: Punk Farm 1-on-1.


This question is for Goat: Who are your most prominent musical influences?

"There are so many. Jimmy Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, Douglas Colvin, AKA Dee Dee Ramone…"

And what do you say to critics who say that punk rock began and ended with The Ramones?

"On one hand, that argument gives The Ramones the credit they deserve. On the other hand, it discredits too many good bands. I really don’t concern myself with such thoughts."


This question is for Pig: An anonymous source in Hollywood told BSB that you were originally chosen to play the lead in School of Rock (a role that eventually went to Jack Black), but that you turned down the part at the last minute. Is this true? And if so, do you regret that decision?


"You know, Hollywood is a rumor-mill. You can’t believe everything you hear. I took a few phone calls and that’s it. Good for Jack Black. I think he’s a brilliant actor and an even more brilliant musician. If I had landed the part, I wouldn’t be in this great band with my best friends, so no regrets."





For Chicken: Due to your subversive keyboard style, you are being hailed in the mainstream media as the Anti-John Tesh. Are you comfortable with that title?


"I’d rather be the Anti-John Tesh than the next John Tesh. If my keyboarding can cancel out the John Tesh-ness in the world to create a John-Tesh-neutral environment, I can die a happy hen."







For Cow: The drums are often considered to be the instrument that takes "the most guts" to play. Do you think the fact that you have 4 stomachs is a key to your success as a drummer? Or is it purely coincidental?


"Hmmm, I’ve never thought of it that way before. I would say that was coincidental, because I never think about any of my stomachs when I’m playing. There’s something primal about the beats, the bangs, the clashes… I’m able to release all of my pent up aggression."





For Sheep: Is there any truth to the rumor that Julian Casablancas (the lead singer of The Strokes) stole his look from you? If it is true, do you have any words for Julian?


"Julian. Hmph. I love Julian, I really do. I don’t know where he got his look. There are the rumors he stole his look from me, but I don’t concern myself with these things. I like to rock, Julian likes to rock. We met once and it was brief. Being the lead singer in a band can be stressful and I wish him the best."







This concludes the interview. I'd like to give one final shout out to Punk Farm's publicist, Jarrett Krosoczka for giving us time with the band... and for creating a diversion to distract Farmer Joe during the interview. As for me, Cluck Roosterman (for my bio, see Monday's post), I will be taking a brief sabbatical to work on my next book, Dark Meat Only: The Resurgence of Goth Culture. After that, the band and I hope to meet up again for another interview when they are on tour in the fall. Until then, Rock On.

Live from the Bottom Shelf: PUNK FARM

by Cluck Roosterman

In April, Bottom Shelf Books wrote a review of Punk Farm... a review that was admittedly based mostly on rumors, hearsay, and conjecture. In an attempt to get to the truth, they sent their most awesome rock critic (me) out to track down the elusive Punk Farm and get the band's side of the story. I found them at their barn in Wisconsin prepping for their upcoming tour. Here is a partial transcript from the upcoming article, Barn Burning: A Conversation with Punk Farm.



(Cluck Roosterman is a renowned rock critic and best-selling author of Sex, Drugs, & Chicken Feed and Last One is a Rotten Egg: The Merciful Death of Glamrock. This is his first time interviewing Punk Farm.)



CR: Does the band's newfound fame leave you any time to do the normal everyday things that an animal does? Do you ever miss the simplicity of your pre-fame days?

SHEEP: Do I miss coming out of the barn at midnight without all of the flashing lights – yeah, sometimes. But do I want to put down my microphone? No way!
GOAT: You know what is an animal supposed to do anyhow? It’s all just society’s way of trying to hold us back.
COW: I want to make art, not just give milk. Fame is the trade off. It’s the sacrifice we make as artists.
CHICKEN: Look, if I wanted to live my life laying eggs, I wouldn’t be in this band.

CR: A recent article in SPIN Magazine said that your most recent concert "blew the roof off the barn." Was that just a figure of speech or did the roof actually get blown off? If it was, who is going to pay for the damages?

PIG: Oh man! That was a crazy show! Just outside of Wheatland…
SHEEP: It was Kenosha.
PIG: Right, Kenosha. Anyways, yeah it was nuts!
COW: There was so much rock, just so much ROCK, the pressure sent the roof flying!
[At this point, a horse in a suit enters the room and whispers in Sheep’s ear.]
SHEEP: Actually, our lawyer has advised us not to discuss details of this event. Next question, please.


Left: The Infamous Kenosha Concert. Police have yet to locate the roof of the barn. Eyewitnesses last claim to have seen it somewhere over Des Moines.




CR: How has Farmer Joe reacted to your success? Do you see him as a threat to your career, or does he merely provide fuel for the fire that rages within Punk Farm?

SHEEP: Whoa, whoa whoa, WHOA! Keep it down! Farmer Joe doesn’t know a thing and that’s how we intend to keep it.
GOAT: Yeah man, don’t blow up our spot!
SHEEP: Farmer Joe has been very good to us. He feeds us, he provides a place for us to play…he shovels our poop…
PIG: Yeah, but Farmer Joe also expects us to work. He has very high expectations of us and sometimes I feel like we’re never good enough for him. I mean how can we work when we rock all night long? I think the guy needs to chill.
CHICKEN: If Farmer Joe ever found out we were even giving this interview, he’d be so mad. And he’s a pretty even guy, but I don’t want to send him over the edge, ya know?
COW: It would be like his whole world would just come crashing down around him. We’re all he’s got.
SHEEP: So I guess it’s a catch 22. In many ways, yeah he is a bit of a threat to our career. He would shut down this Punk Farm party so quickly.

CR: As Punk Farm prepares to go on tour, is there any worry that leaving the farm will be detrimental to the band's creative flow?

SHEEP: Sure, there will always be that fear. We need to continue to write, but we also need to get out there and play for our fans. This is going to be an important tour for us. It’s our first.
PIG: I can’t wait to get out there and meet some of the fans in person!
GOAT: I’m pretty psyched to see the country. I’ve never been outside of Wisconsin before.
CHICKEN: There’s so much at stake. What if no one likes our new music? What if I mess up when I’m playing the keyboards?! This whole tour thing stresses me out!

CR: What do you see in Punk Farm's future?

COW: Rock, rock, and then more rock.

CR: Do you think it is possible to have mainstream success and stay true to your punk roots?

[Everyone looks to Sheep]

SHEEP: I’ll take this one. Yes. We decided early on that if success came before the rock, then that was it. Punk Farm would cease to exist. So Punk Farm will always exist as an entity that will remain true to its punk roots. If we had a million dollars in the bank and we didn’t need to live on this farm, if farm animals were allowed to open up bank accounts in the first place, we would still maintain the attitude of - we love to rock, we’re here to rock, now get out of the way so we can rock. Sure, there will be haters. There will always be haters.
PIG: Let them hate, let us rock.
SHEEP: Exactly.
PIG: You go whine in the corner, I’m plugging in my amp.
SHEEP: Yup.
PIG: It’s like, go crying all you want, hate, hate, hate, I’ll be playing my guitar so hard, I won’t even care.
SHEEP: OK, I think they get it.


"...Punk Farm will always exist as an entity that will remain true to its punk roots... we love to rock, we’re here to rock, now get out of the way so we can rock."




TO BE CONTINUED: Check back on Wednesday, when we get up close and personal with your favorite banyard rebels with some one-on-one questions.


----------------------------------------------

A big thanks to Punk Farm and their publicist, Jarrett Krosoczka (left) for letting us backstage for this interview. Be on the lookout for Punk Farm On Tour, which comes out in October and the Punk Farm rockumentary that is being produced by Dreamworks. Critics are already raving, saying that "What Ratatouille did for food, Punk Farm will do for music. Prepare to be blown away."


You can read more about Punk Farm and download their music at their website, or you can visit them at work in Studio JJK.

Piano Piano

Author: Davide Cali
Illustrator: Eric Heliot

Piano Piano is an energetic story about a young boy (with an unhealthy addiction to hair gel) who is forced by his mother to practice piano so that he can grow up to be a grand pianist. Cali displays a quirky sense of humor and truly captures the emotional distress of being made to practice an instrument against your will. (As someone who once cried rather than practice Pachelbel's Canon, I can speak from experience.) It soon becomes obvious that the boy's mother is attempting to atone for her own childhood disappointments by forcing her son to succeed where she failed. Tsk, tsk.

Boundaries regarding parental control over their child has always been a difficult issue. In fact, it is at the heart of the debate surrounding one of the United States' most ignominious distinctions--according to UNICEF, there are only 2 countries that have not signed onto the Convention on the Rights of the Child: the United States and Somalia.

Somalia has not signed on because it does not have a recognized government. That's a decent excuse. This is not the case in the United States. Here in the good ol' U.S. of A. we recognize our government. We recognize it as a conglomeration of talking heads backed by the deep pockets of corporate interest and led by a condescending idiot... but we do recognize it.

It came as a surprise to me that one of the forces preventing the U.S. from ratifying this convention is a powerful opposition lobby that is afraid that the Convention will undermine the rights of the parents in the parent-child relationship.

Now, I haven't read the Convention thoroughly, so this may be oversimplifying things... but this is bulldoodoo. How is it possible that we are the only country of note who refuses to sign this? And is there really an anti-child rights lobby?!



What we need is an outside voice of reason to straighten things out. In Piano Piano the wise grandfather steps in and acts as the calming force that leads the family towards a common sense resolution. Who can the United States turn to help it come to its senses?

Nelson Mandela and the Council of Elders, that's who!

I just read about this in the Washington Post the other day and have been giddy ever since. Nelson Mandela has been holding meetings on a remote, privately-owned island to form a group of retired global leaders who will be able to tackle world problems unfettered by the burden of national or international politics.

The international council will be chaired by Archbishop Desmond Tutu and will include such stalwarts as former U.S. president Jimmy Carter, former UN secretary general Kofi Annan, women's rights champion Ela Bhatt, longtime children's rights advocate (and Mandela's wife) Graca Machel; and Microcredit Superstar/Nobel Peace Prize winner Muhammad Yunus, among others.

How freakin' cool is that? It sounds like something straight out of a comic book... like the Justice League on Metamucil. To make it even more like a comic book, the council is funded by an eccentric egomaniacal billionaire (Richard Branson). This leaves the door open for a plot twist where Branson turns out to be an evil genius who is using the Council of Elders as part of his twisted plan to take over the world.

"Can the Council of Elders foil Branson's evil plan before it's too late? Tune in next week when the Dalai Llama and the ghost of Mother Teresa attempt to rescue the Elders, who are being held hostage in Branson's secret island lair!"

Whatever happens, there is no denying that the world just seems cooler and more epic now that there is something called the Council of Elders in existence. Even if all they do is hang around playing shuffleboard and watching reruns of Matlock, it still sounds cool as hell.

Though, if they knew what was good for them, Matlock would already be on the Council... along with the Wonder Twins: Amma the Hugging Saint and the elder statesman of hip-hop, Chuck D.

Note from Mandela: If Flava Flav calls to ask about his seat on the council, tell him his invitation must have been, umm... lost in the mail. Sorry Foofy Foofy, there's just no room left... now go back to your love nest at Vh-1 headquarters, you silly silly peanut man.

The Pigeon Finds a Hot Dog!

Author/Illustrator: Mo Willems

"Oooooh! A hot dog! Yummy! Yummy! Yummy!"

Uh oh. This is not good.

As Willems (the Hemingway of children's entertainment) showed us in Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus!, our loveable pigeon is famous for his lack of restraint. In order to keep the Pigeon's covetous ways under control, Willems famously broke down the 3rd wall to put YOU in charge of keeping the pigeon from getting behind the wheel. You proved to be more than up to the task... but your job is not done.

Now that the pigeon has gotten his first taste of a devilishly delectable hot dog, you are going to be called back into duty for Willem's next book: Don't Let the Pigeon Enter Nathan's Famous International Hot Dog Eating Competition!

Pigeon's lack of self restraint is most likely indicative of an addictive personality. This insatiable quality coupled with his quirky appetites would make Pigeon a formidable foe for defending champion Joey Chestnut and Japanese superstar Takeru Kobayashi.


Left: America Back On Top of the Food Chain
Joey Chestnut's recent victory over Kobayashi is simultaneously being hailed in the media as a sign of the preeminent gluttony of American culture and as our greatest international triumph since World War II. USA! USA! USA!


It is up to you to stop the Pigeon for his own good. Life on the competetive eating circuit is no picnic (Pun intended. I apologize.) Traveling from county to county, gorging yourself on hotdogs, boiled eggs, and sea urchin ice cream may sound like heaven on earth, but it quickly becomes a living nightmare. Ask any professional eating veteran and they will tell you that gastronomic glory is not worth the price of admission.

Plus, as a hot dog fan myself, the concept of a hot dog eating competition displays a disturbing lack of respect for food. The point of food is nourishment, the joy of a hot dog in savoring each bite... not scarfing down as many as possible to the point of vomitting or hospitalization. And who the heck dips their hot dog buns in water?! These people obviously do not love hot dogs, they love the fame and the glory. And it makes me sick.

Pigeon found a hot dog and it is the greatest thing in the world. Keeping him out of the hot dog eating competition may deprive him of the perverse fame of victory, but it will preserve his love of food and his innocence... if you are a real friend, you will stop him at all costs.

So if you see him about to eat another hot dog, do the right thing. Take it away from him and... give it to me! Me! Give It To ME!!!

It's the right thing to do.

I swear.

Yummy! Yummy! Yummy! Gimee! Gimee! Gimee!!!

Farmer Ham

Author: Alec Sillifant
Illustrator: Mike Spoor

After decades of silence, Sillifant finally takes it upon himself to pick up the torch and continue the story that began with George Orwell's Animal Farm. When we left the Animal Farm last, it was under the corrupt rule of Napoleon the pig's Stalin-esque regime. The pigs in power had begun to wear clothes and had become virtually indistinguishable from their authoritarian human counterparts. Having departed from their socialist roots, the farms adopts the philosophy of "All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others."

Farmer Ham is a direct descendent of Napoleon the Pig. Having inherited the farm from his lineage of revolutionary ancestors, he now rules his domain with an iron fist and is known for his ruthless tactics. Indeed, an underground newspaper gave him the name Farmer Ham because of his willingness to brutally eliminate any opposition, even cannibalistically disposing of those within his closest inner circle. Ironically, he liked the name and (after destroying the newspaper and imprisoning its employees), he proudly adopted it as his own and referred to himself as Farmer Ham from that day forward. It was the perfect name... the kind of perverse moniker that inspires the fear necessary to maintain order and give revolutionaries reason to pause.

The original Animal Farm was a thinly veiled story about the Soviet Union that warned against the dangers of totalitarian government and the inevitable cycle of corruption that comes hand in hand with power. ("When it comes to revolutionaries, trust only the sad ones. The enthusiastic ones are the oppressors of tommorrow." -William Vollman) This newest installment reminds us that no power is absolute--that there will always be challengers to the throne and that power is a luxury that must be maintained with meticulous precision. To illustrate this point, Sillifant presents Farmer Ham's totalitarian regime with a familiar nuisance: anarchists.

Represented by a gaggle of unruly crows, Farmer Ham's government is challenged by a band of rowdy nihilists who refuse to bow down to his authority. This dangerous here is obvious, as a few successful rebels can infect an otherwise submissive populace, and the next thing you know, you have a revolution on your hands. Farmer Ham knows that he must act quickly and decisively to quell the uprising. To do so, he recruits and trains an elite force of brutes known as the Scarecrow, a shadowy arm of law enforcement that has imperial permission to use whatever tactics they deem necessary. With the terrifying Scarecrow patrolling the fields, the dangerous anarchist element is quickly scattered to the winds.

So Farmer Ham's reign of terror lives another day... but how long can he maintain his stranglehold on the farm before he is toppled from his lofty perch? Today it's anarchist crows, tomorrow it may be socialist moles sprouting up from the ground, or capitalist pigs preaching their free market mumbo jumbo... no, it is only a matter of time before someone rises up against the oppressive Farmer Ham and decides that it's time to bring home the bacon.

And on his farm he had a coup, ee ii, ee ii, oooooooooo...

The Police Cloud

Author/Illustrator: Christoph Niemann

This story starts out with a happy little cloud with dreams of being a police officer. With the help of his friend the police helicopter (as they say, it's not what you know, it's who you know), the cloud secures a position with the police force. The cloud's dream has come true! Oh happy day!

Unfortunately, while a dream deferred may shrivel up like a raisin in the sun, a dream realized often deflates and withers away like a balloon in an outhouse. In a series of regrettable events, the cloud realizes that he is not suited for police work and eventually has to leave the force.

His dreams shattered, he roams the skies, sobbing uncontrollably... when he happens to pass over a burning house. As luck would have it, his tears put out the fire. Huzzah! The story ends with the cloud finding his true calling. He joins the fire department and lives happily ever after.

Or does he?

Yes, he is the new hotshot in the fire department... but at what cost? The problem is that his greatest assets are his tears. His level of productivity is directly proportional to his misery. In order to remain useful to the fire department, he must sacrifice his happiness and live in a perpetual state of sadness. Whenever a call comes into the department, the other firefighters tell him sad stories about condensation, make fun of his weight (calling him cruel names like Tubby Cumulus)... anything to produce the tearful precipitation that they need to put out the fire.

This type of existence is borderline unbearable and the Cloud finds himself in the unenviable position of having to choose between:

a) living a useful life as a productive member of society but being stuck in a viscious cycle of unending sadness, or

b) floating through life without a care in the world, but being practically worthless to society.

This is a difficult decision, but one that many people face (most painfully on Monday mornings). Do we chose to continue the office job that pays the bills even though work life seems highly detrimental to our mental well-being? Or do we say, "Screw the office!" tear down the cubicle walls, and take to the open air--free (and poor) as a bird?

Being a dutiful employee, the Cloud will probably decide to stick with the job as long as he can... that is until the psychological distress overwhelms him and he goes on a rampage, flinging lightning bolts and hail all over an unsuspecting city. His friend the police helicopter tries his best to calm him down, but to no avail. All of his old colleagues at the police force do their best to catch the rampaging storm cloud, but before they can reign him in he just... evaporates into thin air.

Just like that, he is gone and the city is safe again... but for how long? It is only a matter of time until the disgruntled cloud returns and pelts us with the salty tears of his rage, reminding us that a good-paying job is not worth the price of your soul.

Punk Farm

Author/Illustrator: Jarrett J. Krosoczka

This is the story about the humble origins and early days of the legendary band, Punk Farm. Practicing in secret, Sheep, Cow, Goat, Chicken, and Pig wait until the farmer goes to bed to hold their barn-burnin' concerts. They rock. Their first underground hit is a punk rendition of Old MacDonald Had a Farm. It rocks. EE-I-EE-I-OOOOOOOO!!!

Krosoczka's chronicle ends just as Punk Farm is on the cusp of hitting it big. What follows is the stuff of rock legend. Their debut album, the eponymously titled Punk Farm, was an underground sensation. Seemingly overnight, Punk Farm was shooting up the charts. It was hailed as the first truly revolutionary album of the century by SPIN magazine and they were the darlings of self-important rock critics everywhere.

Unfortunately, as with most upstart bands, their meteoric rise began to corrode the original spirit of the band. The beauty of Punk Farm's music was its primal nature. Punk Farm mattered because they spoke to a nation of disillusioned souls and gave a voice to their anxieties. Each angry guitar chord screamed out against barnyard oppression. The relentless drums underscored the desperate futility of life on the farm. Punk Farm was simple, real... Punk Farm was important. Success changed all that. In a revealing interview with Rolling Stone, Sheep angrily claimed that Punk Farm "was being spoiled by the fattening embrace of success. We've lost touch with the raw emotion and spirit that made us great. Our music is being stifled by the uncontrollable arc of our suffocatingly decadent lives."

These words would prove prophetic. The rigors of life on the road and the pressures of producing a worthy follow-up album proved to be too much for the band to endure. Punk Farm split in the middle of recording their sophomore album: The Farmer in the Dell. Punk Farm was no more. As quickly as they had come, they were gone, leaving behind one album for the ages and legions of distraught fans.

Today, many hardcore followers (who staunchly insist that punk and popular success are antithetical) maintain that Punk Farm's demise was for the best because it ensured that they would never suffer the embarrassment of mainstreaming (a process that punk aficionados sneeringly refer to as Green Dayification).

10 years later, VH-1 Behind the Music released an episode charting the brief but iconic career of Punk Farm. The show, in its typically dramatic fashion, finally answered some burning questions about the band's legendary implosion. So, what really happened to the members of Punk Farm?

Pig: Tired of playing second fiddle to Sheep, Pig was the first to leave Punk Farm. Looking to break free from the stifling music world, Pig heads to Hollywood and leverages his musical fame into a major role in the dystopian nightmare, Babe: Pig in the City. Unfortunately, this marked the highpoint of his acting career. Despite critical acclaim, his Hollywood life never quite gets off the ground. He was last seen starring opposite Louie Anderson in a made-for-TV movie called This Little Piggy.

Goat: After nearly choking on a Coke can at a raucous party, Goat suddenly gets religion--near death experiences will do that to you. He sees the sinful nature of his debaucherous lifestyle and leaves Punk Farm to join the moderately successful Christian Rock group, Away In a Manger.

Chicken: No one ever notices the keyboard player. This was the sad case with Chicken, who was always in the background. Concealed by the obscurity of her instrument, one day she just disappears. Poof! She was last seen crossing the road leading away from the farm, but no one knows where she went. After a few days, the band filed a missing persons report and the police come to investigate. Unfortunately, clues are hard to come by and no one can tell the authorities why Chicken crossed the road. Pig, the most confrontational member of the group (and always looking to stick it to the man), suggests that, "Maybe Chicken crossed the road to get to the other side. You ever think of that?" The police were not amused by this snarky remark and Pig had to spend the night in the pen. To this day, Chicken's fate remains shrouded in mystery and has become the point of much speculation by amateur detectives and conspiracy theorists alike.

Cow: Always the gentle soul of the group, Cow's sensitive nature never recovered from the disappointment of Punk Farm's downfall. She had a nervous breakdown and was put out to pasture on a quiet farm in Connecticut. She can still be found grazing absentmindedly in the countryside, staring blankly at the quaint New England landscape. But if you could listen to her heart, you would find that it still pulses with the irrepressible drumbeat of Punk Rock. Unlike the others, for Cow, it was always about the music.

Sheep: The temperamental and hypnotic front man for Punk Farm captured the nation's imagination with the raw power of his voice and his reckless disregard for life... however, as is so often the case, the brightest stars burn the fastest. After the demise of the band, Sheep went into a self-imposed seclusion to work on a collection of autobiographical poetry. 3 months later, he is found in a field in New Mexico, having OD'ed on grass. The punk community mourns this great loss and his book of poetry, Fleece as White as Snow, is posthumously published by HarperCollins. It makes the New York Times bestseller list. Rock On.

Peter's Chair

Author/Illustrator: Ezra Jack Keats

In this brutal offering from one of the giants of children's literature, our young protagonist Peter is appalled to find out that all his possessions are being painted pink to be given to his newborn sister. The nerve! Peter initially resists his parents' attempt to co-opt all his belongings, particularly his favorite chair. But eventually, like all doe-eyed optimists, Peter is forced to swallow the bitter pill of reality. He concedes defeat--our hero has fallen. Peter offers up his chair as a conciliatory symbol of his newfound understanding: It's her world now, I'm merely a bit player.

While these tough luck lessons are painfully necessary for children, they are perhaps even more valuable for adults. In Peter's case it was a new baby. In John Kerry's case, it was a new democratic nominee for president. Like Peter, Kerry came to his senses, realizing that his time had passed and (thankfully) decided not to make another run at the presidency. Now the only question is... who gets the democratic chair? Does Kerry follow Peter's example and paint the democratic nomination pink for the apparent front-runner Hillary? Does he paint it purple for bridge-building phenom Obama? Or maybe he fits his chair with a booster seat and some crayons for the adorable Dennis Kucinich?

Meanwhile, across the street, neighborhood outcast Ralphy Nader is busy building his own chair out of driftwood and moral fiber. It is not a sturdy chair, and it will give you splinters if you sit on it, but dagnabit, someone has to provide an alternative to the mass-production, cookie cutter furniture industry! It's not easy being green. Keep fighting the good fight, Ralphy... you crazy beautiful pirate, you.

Pirates Don't Change Diapers

Author: Melinda Long
Illustrator: David Shannon

In today's world, pirates are celebrated as icons of freedom, successful pioneers in sustained rebellion, seafaring scallywags who thumb their noses at the conventions of society and dare to wear bandanas with gold-trimmed smoking jackets no matter what the latest fashion trends may dictate.

Thus, it is only natural that pirates would denounce the diaper. What is more symbolic of the bourgeois constraints of the landlubber class than being forced to sit in a satchel of your own feces? No, no, no... in the pirate world, asses fly free in the salty sea air with nary a diaper in sight. (Which explains the odd nautical term, poopdeck.)

On a philosophical level, diapers go against the core ethic of pirate culture. In the pirate world, shit happens and then you cast your sails for the next adventure. With the diaper on the other hand, shit happens and then you have to sit around in it for a while and contemplate it's essence. This makes the pirate feel all too human, because he has to come face to face (hopefully not literally) with the by-products of his existence and the guilt that comes with it. But the great appeal of being a pirate is that there are no ramifications for one's actions. There are no mistakes. There are no consequences. There is no guilt because, to the pirate, there is no past. As the old buccaneer saying goes, "The days are like the waves, only concern thyself with the one you are on, and the ones that lay ahead."

Obligatory Juvenile Pirate Joke: Why don't pirates change diapers? Because they hate the smell of diarrrrrrrrrhea!

Panda Bear, Panda Bear, What Do You See?

Author: Bill Martin Jr.
Illustrator: Eric Carle

This is the third installment of the series, following the Brown Bear, Brown Bear and Polar Bear, Polar Bear books. This one distinguishes itself from the other two in that it features all animals on the endangered species list.

Note: One of the things that made the first two books so successful and fun to read with kids was making the animal noises. However, you may need to do some background research here because this book is a little more challenging. Be prepared to dust off your water buffalo impersonation. And what the heck does a green sea turtle sound like?