"Stop Making Movies About My Books!"

Courtesy of The Onion, Dr. Seuss finally says what we've all been waiting to hear:

"Why it's simply an outrage—a crime, you must judge!—
To crap on my books with this big-budget sludge.
My books are for children to learn ones and twos in,
Not commercialous slop for Jim Carrey to ruin."

The Times They Are A-Changin'

The American Heart Association just released a report saying that mouth-to-mouth is no longer necessary when performing CPR. They are hoping that this will make it easier for people to jump in and save someone's life... but what they failed to take into account was that they are doing irreperable damage to the lifeguarding industry. Not only have they have taken some of the shine off of the Baywatch franchise... but they have squashed the hopes and dreams of kids like the heroic Michael "Squints" Palledorous.



"What he'd done was sneaky, rotten, and low... and cool." But no longer possible. This is truly a sad day. Hopefully, it is just the American Heart Association's idea of a funny April Fool's Day joke... and tomorrow we can all go back to saving each other by making out.

The Secret of Water

Author/Illustrator: Dr. Masaru Emoto

In this book, Dr. Emoto utilizes the mind-boggling power of photography to reveal the magic behind our most precious natural resource: Water. While the book does a good job of showcasing the glory of our liquid friend, the book is a little antiquated--because, as well all know, plain water just doesn't cut it anymore. Not when we've got:

-Gatorade: Nothing Hydrates Better On Any Planet
-POWERade: Power Up With POWERade!
-SmartWater: Electrolyte Enhanced Hydration, Vapor Distilled Purity

And now the latest offering of uber-water: Snapple Antioxident Water: Designed To Protectify!. (Note: I didn't make up any of those slogans. I could only hope to be so funny.)

But plain old tap water? How boring. How passe. How last century.

Plain water has taken such a vicious PR hit lately that local governments have taken matters into their own hands. Recent studies have found all kinds of goodies in tap water--apparently cities are taking a hint and looking to infuse their boring product with a much needed dose of awesome.

NYC Water! Designed to Soothify and Freakify!
Our water quenches your thirst and your soul with an enlightened mix of drugs that will take care of your aches, infections, seizures and high blood pressure all with one spiritually satisfying sip--and for all you cougars out there, we've added a dose of hormones to help out with that pesky menopause... rrrrowr!



DC Water: Scientifically Proven to Rock Your World!
Engineered by an illustrious (almost-certified) group of scientists, our water is ultra-fortified with anti-seizure medication, two anti-inflammatory drugs, two kinds of antibiotics, a common disinfectant... and because you've got places to go, people to see... CAFFEINE!!! That's right, we put the "what?!" in "water"!




Hmmmm... on second thought, after hearing about the medicine cabinet that's pouring out of my faucet, maybe it's better if I don't know the secret of water. I'll just play it safe from now on... someone pass me a Guinness.

Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?

Author: Bill Martin Jr.
Illustrator: Eric Carle

Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? Well, if you take the time to look out your window, you may notice that spring has come unusually early this year. In fact, scientists have been tracking this phenomenon and have found that spring has indeed been creeping up on us earlier and earlier every year. Experts all over the world are trying to figure out what the environmental implications of this disturbing trend.

But we here at the Bottom Shelf already know the greatest threat of global warming:Grumpy Bears.

This is especially bad because we, as a society, have grown complacent. We have been lulled into a false sense of security by the friendly characters we see on TV... like that lovable thief Yogi and the disarmingly maternal Baloo. We have grown accustomed to seeing these mammoth beasts as nature's gentle giants. But this will quickly change as winters grow shorter and shorter every year. As nature encroaches on valuable hibernation time, we may find that these gentle giants are not so gentle anymore.

We all know that nothing puts you in a worse mood than waking up before you're ready (especially on Monday mornings). Now imagine that you are forced to wake up about a month early. And that you are 800 pounds with razor sharp claws.

Now imagine EVERY bear in the world waking up in a bad mood. Do you see where we're headed here? We feeble humans are no match for pandemic bear rage.


A Bleak Vision of Tomorrow: Yes, the children are still the future... but is that future in danger of being consumed by grumpy bears?






It may already be too late. This could be the spring when the bear nation wakes up on the wrong side of the cave and overwhelms the world with a deadly case of the Mondays.

Indeed, the first sign of the apocalypse may have come earlier this week with the whole Bear Stearns debacle. While the Fed managed to temporarily avoid crisis by bailing out the troublesome Bears, we simply do not have the capacity to buy out every Stern Bear that comes out of the woodwork.

And if this clip is any indication, all the money in the world won't make a difference. We don't stand a chance.

Bottom Shelf Properties: Featured Listing

GREAT DEAL! MUST SELL!!!

This charming property may be a "little" house, but it has a big heart. It is strong and well-built and has withstood several relocations (Disclosure: there may be some wear and tear from city living). Classic design will transport you back to a more innocent time. Extremely motivated seller. No bid is too low! Will basically accept any offer to avoid foreclosure.


For more information, contact:

Real Estate Agent Virginia L. Burton
vlburton@bottomshelfproperties.com

Money, Money, Money

With the threat of a recession breathing down our necks, Congress has decided to provide some relief with an economic stimulus package--which will include a tax rebate. Whether this will turn the economy around remains to be seen. But at the very least, it will put a little extra money in all of our pockets. So, today's question is:

What will you do with your tax rebate?

Harold: I've been meaning to broaden my artistic horizons a bit, so I'd really like to buy a new crayon... I've been wanting to get my hands on a nice Burnt Sienna for some time now. That would be sweet.







Mahalia Mouse: Student Loans. Student Freakin' Loans.









Very Hungry Caterpillar: I'm going out to buy some Ben and Jerry's, a handful of Jolly Ranchers, maybe a couple chili cheez dogs... and then some Tums. For some reason my stomach is killing me.



Clifford the Big Red Dog: Four words: World's Biggest Fire Hydrant.







Old Woman (who lived in a shoe): Well, given that I will get an additional rebate for each kid that I have, I should have more money than I know what to do with. The smart thing to do would be to put it all into an interest bearing account to build up a college fund for all these little rascals--but to heck with it. I'm saving the money for my retirement so I can move into a nice high rise someday, maybe something in a nice suede pump.




The Little Engine That Could: I'm hoping to go from being "The Little Engine That Could" to "The Little Engine That Doesn't Have To Anymore." Early retirement, here I come! Whoo! Whoo!





Corduroy: Forget a new button, I'm buying myself a whole new suit from Calvin Klein!






Runny Babbit: I'd hove to lire a theech sperapist. (translation: I'd love to hire a speech therapist.)

BSB Flashback: Max Moves to Moscow

Following yesterday's election in Russia, it appears that there is a new top dog in town... though it looks like he will be on a tight leash controlled by the old top dog.



7 May 2007

Author/Illustrator: Winifred Riser

Max Moves to Moscow is a revealing story about America's influence on life in post-communist Russia. Max the black lab (democracy) moves from the U.S. to Russia. At first, he encounters an unwelcoming society that is buried under a thick blanket of snow from the harsh communist winter (and the literally cold war). However, due to his persistence and American can-do attitude, Max eventually makes friends with the dogs in the park and teaches them a new ball game (capitalism). This game proves to have a steep learning curve and the dogs keep losing the balls in the snow.

When the snow eventually melts, suddenly there are balls all over the place, ushering in a period of general chaos as the dogs struggle to deal with their newfound wealth. Yeltsin the Russian Bulldog eventually takes charge of the game and keeps the balls for himself and his friends... while the other dogs wait in long lines for toilet paper.

Eventually, Yeltsin eventually tires of playing and Putin the Russian Greyhound takes over. He immediately tightens the rules of the game by instituting a ruthlessly efficient authoritarian style of play. More dogs get to play, but they aren't even sure if it's the same game anymore... or if they still want to play. Problem is, no one dares to stop or even call timeout. When Putin says play, you play--because his bite is definitely worse than his bark. Case in point: the last dog that tried to get out of the game mysteriously died from uranium poisoning.

Ronald Reagan: Paper Dolls in Full Color

Author/Illustrator: Tom Tierney

Anyone following the election knows that every Republican nominee had been desperately trying stake claim as the heir apparent to Ronald Reagan. Mitt Romney had the looks, but not the soul. Fred Thompson had the acting chops, but not the stamina. Mike Huckabee had the charm, but not the stature. (I'm not even going to bother with Giuliani and Ron Paul... the rest of the country isn't, why should I?)

Now, for all intents and purposes, there is one GOP candidate left standing: John McCain. And now, thanks to Tierney's book, McCain can actually put on Reagan's clothes and try to convince America that he is Reagan's true successor.

Though I don't see it happening. Reagan's greatest asset was his gift as an orator--he was such a great speaker that he fooled the country into thinking that a silly idea like Trickle-down economics made sense. As for McCain, his speeches sound about as convincing as a 4th grader reading the book report that his mom wrote for him.

But still, let's take a look at how McCain might conjure the spirit of Reagan to convince America that he is as paper-thin as the Gipper himself.

Straight Shootin' John McCain

I am the candidate that is not afraid to tell it like it is. I shoot straight from the hip. I drive the Straight Talk Express. And the straight truth is that despite my better judgment, I have no choice but to pander to my party's base in order to secure the Republican nomination.

If that means supporting the Bush tax cuts, so be it. If it means fudging my stance on torture, why not? If it means denouncing evolution, bring it on! In fact, if I did see a dinosaur, I would shoot it dead and serve it at my next fundraiser to prove just how straight I can shoot... at whatever it is the base wants me to take aim at.



Damage Control McCain

What, this picture? I've told you already that Ms. Iseman and I are merely acquaintances. I am saddened and frustrated by the obvious liberal media bias being perpetuated by the New York Times.

I also find it comical--if a bit flattering--that anyone would believe that a man of my age would still have any sexual impulses left. Because my friends, let me assure you... when it comes to little John McCain, he's been little John McCan't for some time now.


Bedtime for Bonzo McCain

My friends, we live in dangerous times. We must take care not to let our guard down lest we allow the terrorists to win. Just like Ronald Reagan held firm when caring for an unruly chimpanzee named Bonzo, I, as your Commander In Chief vow to accept the challenge and stare the great ape of terrorism in the eye. And trust me my friends, I won't be the first to blink.

The Democrats don't have the backbone to put Bonzo to bed. But I assure you, the American people, that when I am President, I will not rest until we get the monkey of terror off our backs and we put the issue to bed once and for all.


When I consider the prospect of another neglectful Democratically-led country, I think back to something the great Ronald Reagan once told me. He told me, "Johnny, whether you're babysitting a chimp or battling terrorists, you can be sure of one thing: If you turn your back for even one second, you are going to get feces thrown at you." So America, the choice is yours: do you want to get feces thrown at you? I didn't think so.

BSB Flashback: Stick

This flashback is in honor of the recently discovered Beezlebufo or Devil Toad, a prehistoric frog the size of a bowling ball which (according to Scientific American) may have eaten baby dinosaurs.

Note: Word on Capitol Hill is that Sen. Arlen Specter (R-PA) will be calling in the Beelzebufo to testify on possible use of human growth hormone... which is only slightly more ridiculous than Congress wasting taxpayer time and money on Roger Clemens and cheating in the NFL.




27 June 2007

Author/Illustrator: Steve Breen

This is the first picture book for Breen, the Pulitzer Prize winning cartoonist. With the story of Stick, a headstrong young frog who likes to do things on his own, Breen displays an impressive sense of humor and comic timing. One day, when Stick shoots his tongue out to catch a dragonfly, he gets carried away (literally) and embarks on a wild airborne adventure. Through a series of surprising developments, Stick excitedly explores the wild world... but will he ever make it back home?

Stick is merely the latest in a long and celebrated line of frog explorers. Indeed, nature's first true explorers were the frog's distant ancesters, those intrepid souls who first ventured out of the primordial ooze: the early amphibians. Frogs are direct descendants of those brave few who left the comforts of their homes to explore the unknown lands above the surface of the water. It's almost as if wanderlust is genetically encoded in frog DNA.

Young Stick also owes much to the most persistent explorer in frog history... an adventurer whose exploits are so well-known that he is known simply as: Frogger. Before Frogger, the frog population had to be content with life around the dank world of the pond. But Frogger yearned for more, he want to stretch the boundaries of his world and boldly go where no frog had gone before.

While people still wonder why the chicken crossed the road, no one questions the Frogger's motives. Frogger did not set out to conquer the world, he set out to conquer himself. Despite frequent setbacks and increasingly dangerous traffic, he refused to quit until he crossed every street that he came across. His indomitable spirit would not be denied... he would either succeed or get flattened in the process.



Left: An 18th Century Tapestry depicting The Wondrous Adventures of Frogger: Explorer Extraordinaire.





Other notable amphibious explorers:


Mr. Toad: Not content with life at Toad Hall, our hero follows Dante's lead and explores the depths of Hell. This harrowing journey is well documented in his memoirs: Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.



Kermit: Perhaps the most famous frog in history, Kermit was the ultimate explorer, blazing trails and opening doors at a prolific clip. He first burst onto the scene as the first frog in space ("One small hop for frogs, one giant leap for frogkind.").

Returning to a hero's welcome, Kermit leveraged his newfound fame into a legendary career in film and television. After conquering the entertainment world and winning every award possible, Kermit begins to feel that familiar itch to touch the void of the unknown... it was not in his nature to be content. So he set out to explore what he believed to be the frog's final frontier: Politics.

Stealing a page from the GOP playbook (which turned the celebrity of Reagan, Schwarzenegger, and possibly Fred Thompson into political gold), the Green Party convinces Kermit to make a run for the presidency. Kermit immediately accepts the challenge. In the first in a series of shrewd moves, Kermit selects his longtime advisor Fozzy Bear to be his running mate (Fozzy's down-to-earth charm and folksy humor polls extremely well down South).

Despite a spirited campaign, Kermit's bid for the highest office in the land eventually falls short (though, being a third party candidate in America, they never really stood much of a chance anyways). While he may have lost the election, Kermit once again wins our hearts when he ends his concession speech with a tearful rendition of "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Who knows, perhaps young Stick will go down in history as the next great frog explorer. But if so, it should be noted that he did not do it alone... he was standing on the shoulders of giants.

A Bottom Shelf Public Service Announcement

I originally made this for fun. (Note: If you are in the field of literacy and you are a photoshop dork, yes this is considered fun. Stop laughing.) Then I thought I'd offer these up on Cafepress so that you could buy your own pro-literacy merchandise.

Unfortunately, there were questions as to whether it was parody (good) or copyright infringement (bad). But if enough people are interested in sporting their own YouRead merchandise, let me know and I'll see if I can outfox Youtube's legal team.

Valentine's Day Flashback: The Dot & the Line: A Romance In Lower Mathematics

14 February 2007

Author: Norton Juster

In honour of Valentine's Day, here is a timeless love story from the man who brought you The Phantom Tollbooth. This is the story of a straight line who is in love with a dot. The dot, however, is infactuated with a freeflowing and "too cool for school" squiggle. The dejected line goes off and conquers his insecurities by improving himself through the magic of geometry. He then puts on an impressive display that puts the squiggle to shame and wins the heart of the dot.

Rumor has it that Juster wrote this book just before going to his 10 year high school reunion. True or not, Juster's book embodies the dream of every nerd in history: to return to the scene of his shame (high school) as a successful and worldly man that suddenly turns the tables on all those jocks and stoners by winning the girl that had so painfully dismissed him in the past. If this were an eighties movie, the cast would be:

Dot: Molly Ringwald
Line: Anthony Michael Hall (though my younger sister suggested Jon Cusack, which is probably a better choice)
Squiggle: Some unkempt combination of Christian Slater and Judd Nelson

Directed by: Robert Zemekis (only because John Hughes would be too obvious)

Happy Valentine's Day...

...from the Bottom Shelf!

Yes We Can!

Author: Sam McBratney
Illustrator: Charles Fuge

The cover of this book really does a good job of capturing the momentum that is building behind the Obama campaign. Here you see animals enthusiastically jumping in the air, which is appropriate because this election has drawn more interest and enthusiasm than any election in recent memory.

But note that the animals are not your standard elephant and donkey. No, here you have a kangaroo, a mouse, and a duck. In their diversity, they represent the vanguard of the movement towards a post-partisan political climate. We are more than just democrats and republicans, blue states and red states... I mean, a blue kangaroo? That's just silly.

Look a little closer and you will notice the leaves falling from the sky, indicating that we are indeed in a season of change, which has been one of the prime buzzwords of this election season. It is no wonder that Obama chose this book to be the foundation of his campaign message: Yes We Can.

Here is the Obama Yes We Can speech in New Hampshire, the one used for the will.i.am video. While the video is cool, I prefer the speech without the celebrities because, call me square, but I'd rather not have my vote swayed by the lead singer of the Pussy Cat Dolls.

Alexander, Who Used to be Rich Last Sunday

Author: Judith Viorst
Illustrator: Ray Cruz

All this week, football fans across the nation are sympathizing with young Alexander. With all the betting that goes on around the Superbowl, many Americans used to be rich last Sunday. I mean, the Patriots seemed like such a lock...

It just goes to show, gambling is bad. Are you listening, kids? Gambling. Bad. Don't turn away, take a good hard look at that picture of poor Alexander and you'll see the fate that awaits you if you enter into the shady world of sports gambling. If you're not careful, you could be that loser in the unlucky football jersey standing alone with empty pockets and a deflated spirit. Don't let that be you.

Luckily, I don't gamble on sports (not that I have any money to gamble with anyways), so I didn't lose any money by betting on my Patriots (I know they cheated, but your team is your team).

Even though I didn't lose money and even though it is just a sport, as a Pats fan, I still feel like I've lost something on Sunday. I mean, as if this miracle play wasn't bad enough...



...someone had to go convert the play into the following clip, which has to potential to simultaneously taint a great Radiohead song and the memory of my favorite Nintendo game.




I may not have lost any money on last Sunday's game, but like Alexander, I felt much richer last Sunday.

Tuesday

Author/Illustrator: David Wiesner

That's right, it's Tuesday. But not just any Tuesday... it's SUPER TUESDAY. And Wiesner's masterpiece, which features a night of flying frogs, is oddly appropriate on this day. How so? Not just because the title is Tuesday, but because Wiesner's surrealist vision asks us to challenge the boundaries of what we believe is possible. And isn't that kind of the point of this whole process? It's Tuesday, a chance to imagine the world as you would like to see it and to cast your vote accordingly.

For a minute, allow yourself to imagine a world that has finally woken from the nightmare that is the Bush Administration and consider where we go from here. So, if you are in one of the 24 states participating in this political royal rumble, determine which candidate's policies, vision, and leadership speaks to you and most closely matches your hopes and dreams for this country... and then whether by car, bike, foot, or lily pad, get yourself to the polls and cast your vote.

Because it's Tuesday, and anything is possible.

The Three Golden Keys

For someone who loves picture books and used bookstores, I actually spend very little timein the children's sections of used bookstores. I guess this is because they are usually crammed in a neglected corner of the store, and usually nothing more than a mountain of chaos.

But this weekend while roaming the city on a unexpectedly beautiful day, I decide to brave the kid's section for a few minutes. I look over and the spine of one book pops out at me right away. It was a beautiful brand new hard copy of The Three Golden Keys by Peter Sis.



Sis is one of the modern giants of children's literature, who truly elevates the medium to the level of high art. His books bring to mind the fiction of Borges, Italo Calvino, and Orhan Pahmuk... but with the added bonus of beautifully intricate illustrations.

After reading through the book, I flip back to the front and find this inscription:


"REACH FOR THE BEST--PETER SIS"

I plopped over the $15 for the book and after a quick google search it turns out that this is an autographed first edition which currently sells for $150!

So I guess I did "reach for the best" when I bent down to pluck this treasure off the store's bottom shelf. Thank you, Mr. Sis! Or should I say, thank you whoever was foolish enough to let go of the book in the first place!

Putting the Minh in Advertiseminht.

FYI: I'm experimenting with Google AdSense, but that shouldn't really affect anything. I'll try not to let the pennies go to my head...

Ed Emberley's Little Drawing Book of Weirdos

I found this interesting review on Amazon.com:

162 of 175 people found the following review helpful:
2.5 out of 5 stars I AM NOT A MONSTER!!! January 30, 2008
By Gonzo the Great "Creative Consultant" (Reno, Nevada) See all my reviews

First let me say that I have great respect for Ed Emberley... but as a weirdo, I felt that it is my duty to say something. People have been making this mistake for far too long... so listen up: Weirdos are not Monsters!!!!



Just look at Emberley's list of so-called "weirdos": Vampire, Goblin, Cat, Monster, Witch, Devil, etc. As you can see, these are monsters, not weirdos. (Except for the cat... because cats are most definitely weird).

Now I'm not saying that weirdos can't be monstrous, because they can. And I'm definitely not saying monsters can't be weird cause there are some doozies out there (take this guy for example).

When it comes down to it, I'm not even sure exactly what weirdos are... but that's beside the point! My point is that weirdos are not necessarily monsters! So, basically, if Emberley changed the name of his book to Ed Emberley's Little Drawing Book of Monsters (Who Also Happen to be Weirdos), then I'd have no problem with it. In fact, I'm tempted to buy it anyways because I can get a used one for only 99 cents... and offensive or not, that's a bargain!!!

In the News: The Little Engine That Could... Be Controlled By A Boy Genius

A few weeks ago in Poland, a 14 year old boy reconfigures a remote control and used it to take over the local mass transit system. This has been covered in the media as an amusing case of precocious delinquency, but should be taken much more seriously. This is only the beginning.

We all knew this day was coming. We have passed the tipping point and kids are now WAY too smart. Or rather our society has reached a point where technological advancement is so fast and so furious that the only ones mentally flexible enough to keep up are children. Especially when you consider the speed at which government bureacracy travels, is it a surprise that a tech savvy kid could overtake the Department of Transportation which is probably still using computers from last century? And if one lone punk could take over a transit system, what will an army of these kids be capable of?



(Above: The scene of the crime. The young boy sits on the fence, taunting the helpless passengers by waving the remote that controls their fate. )


The unrelenting conveyor belt of progress ensures that one day we will all live in a world that is beyond our ability to understand... we are all just one Mac Convention away from being obsolete.

So, what will the revolution look like?

One thing is for sure: the revolution will not be televised. It won't even be Youtubed or live-blogged. The truth is we have no idea what form the revolution will come in, because it is beyond the ability of our feeble age-crippled minds to even imagine what tomorrow may bring.

But if I had to guess, the coming revolution will be defined by one phrase: Militant Anarchy. These prepubescent geniuses have been honing their skills with a heavy dose of video games, which serve as a comprehensive curriculum for social dispruption. Games such as Halo and Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell (actually, anything with the name Tom Clancy in it) teach the virtues ruthless militarism. Hyperkenetic games such as Grand Theft Auto glorify the chaos that is social anarchy. And now the Wii is going to take these video game dorks and whip them into shape. It's like having a boot camp in your living room that trains the perfect soldiers for the perfect army of tomorrow.

Our only hope is to conscript these prepubescent geniuses into the service of our country by giving them full reign over the Department of Transportation or the Department of the Interior. Let them use their preternatural skills to repair our bridges and generally re-awesome-atize our nation's crumbling infrastructure. It's our only hope. We must harness their powers for good, otherwise we'll find that we are on a fast train to nowhere... and that train is being remote controlled by some punk kid with peach fuzz.

Be afraid, be very afraid.

BSB Flashback: Mine! Mine! Mine!

10 March 2007

Author: Shelly Becker
Illustrator: Hideki Takahashi

Becker's latest biography focuses on the childhood of Ayn Rand, one of the 20th century's most influential (and controversial) thinkers. In this episode from her youth, Rand's mother forces her to share her toys with a cousin who is visiting from out of town. Though she is very young, we can already see evidence of the rational self-interest that would become a key component of her philosophical thought and the foundation for many of her most renowned works. The young Rand initially implements an ingeniously laissez-faire approach to sharing her toys, until the authoritarian mother figure demands a more equal distribution of goods. Will Ayn learn her lesson about sharing, or does this early experience in collectivist thought drive her towards her passionate development of Objectivism?

It is difficult to accurately trace the origins of Rand's intellectual development, but the following quote indicates that perhaps her early experiences did play a formative role in her thinking: "My philosophy, in essence, is the concept of man as a heroic being, with his own happiness as the moral purpose of his life, with productive achievement as his noblest activity, and possessing the freedom to play with the toys of his choice without fear of sanctions or judgment."

Martin's Big Words: The Life of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Author: Doreen Rappaport
Illustrator: Bryan Collier

In honor of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and his big words, here is a powerful excerpt from his 1964 acceptance speech for the Nobel Peace Prize.

"I refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become a reality. I refuse to accept the cynical notion that nation after nation must spiral down a militaristic stairway into the hell of thermonuclear destruction. I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. This is why right temporarily defeated is stronger than evil triumphant. "

Children's Book That Never Was: Furious George

I'm guestblogging again over at Saints & Spinners... like I said before, her Children's Books That Never Were feature is just too good for me to resist! CLICK HERE to read more about Furious George: Father Knows Best.

BSB Flashback: The Three Questions

7 March 2007

Author/Illustrator: Jon J. Muth

An adaptation of a short story by Leo Tolstoy, this story follows Nikolai, a young boy trying to answer three of life's biggest questions: When is the best time to do things? Who is the most important one? What is the right thing to do? Young Nikolai has to climb a mountain, chase a turtle, and rescue some pandas before finding the answers. Sound like too much work for enlightenment? I thought so. Luckily you don't have to go through all that, because the answers are actually quite simple:

When is the best time to do things? After eating a hot dog.

Who is the most important one? The one who has those incriminating pictures of you from that regrettable night in college.

What is the right thing to do? Admit to the waitress that you are actually 27 and not 12, so technically you shouldn't be able to order from the Kid's Menu even though it's so much cheaper and all you want is a grilled cheese sandwich that doesn't cost $7.50.

I understand if you read the book anyways because you want Tolstoy's take on it... but I guarantee you, I'm not that far off! Tolstoy loved hot dogs and he lived for grilled cheese sandwiches. This is obvious to anyone who has seen the original manuscript of War and Peace, 75 percent of which is translucent due to grease stains.

Sibling Suggestion: My sister had a good suggestion: Collect people's answers to the Big 3 Questions! So (all 5 of you that read this blog), if you've got the time (and I know you do, otherwise you wouldn't be reading this), go to the comments section below and fill us in on your particular take on the meaning of life.

• When is the best time to do things?
• Who is the most important one?
• What is the right thing to do?

Whoever has the best answers gets free backstage passes to Nirvana!

(To see people's answers to these questions from the original post, click here.)

Breaking News: Local Man Attacked By Feral Boy Wearing a Onesie.

Chicks and Salsa

Author: Neil Numberman
Illustrator: Paulette Bogan

This is a silly story about chickens who are bored of eating the normal barnyard fare and look to spice things up a little bit. Coincidentally, this is also the name of the survival manual for graduating fraternity brothers titled Chicks and Salsa: How to Score with the Ladies in the Big City.

As you'll see in the following excerpt, there are some surprising similarities between the two books.

(Disclaimer: the views expressed in the excerpt below do not necessarily reflect those of the Bottom Shelf.)

RULE #1: LEARN TO SALSA


by Brother Shoehorn (Sigma Alpha Pi) and Brother Moosedroppings (Omega Delta Delta)






Trust us bro. We know you're gonna to feel silly swinging your hips around the dance floor. We know you'd rather be bangin' your backwards baseball cap to some Dave Matthews or the Beastie Boys (who f****in rule!). But trust us dude, it will be well worth your time.

Once you find yourself in the city and away from the comfort of your boys on frat row, you will inevitably find yourself in a club with latin music of some sort. There you will see all kind of bizarre things. You'll see the oldest man there dancing with the blazinest chick in the club. Or worse, some four-eyed doofus pulling a Kucinich* and sashaying across the floor with some hottie. You will ask yourself, "What the?! What is going on here? Have I entered some kind of twilight zone where generic good looks, trust funds, and chugging ability mean nothing anymore?!"



*Pulling a Kucinich: Being with someone who is obviously waaaaaaaaay out of your league.







Don't panic. No need to get your Dockers in a bunch. What's happening is what we like to call the Chicks and Salsa Phenomenon. (Inside Tip: Now that you're in the real world, don't call them chicks. You have to call them "ladies" if you want to get anywhere)... anyways, the problem is that these ladies are in the city and they want to spice up their lives a little bit. Which means that they'll dance with any goof who knows how to salsa. They're tired of the tried and true bars where we are most comfortable. Those home-away-from-homes where we can do boat races or clear off a table for an impromptu game of beer pong. Those bars where we can comfortably stand in one place rhythmically nodding our heads to some righteous tunes.

So, if you know what's good for you... wait, hold on a sec, what are you doing still reading? Reading is for losers! Take our word for it and go sign up for a salsa class now! It will make you a man amongst bros. You can be that dude that's dancing with a chick--i mean, lady--who is out of your league. And don't worry, the salsa only needs to be used for the first month of dating or so, then you can go back to being your awesome fratastic self. Now close this book and get back out there! With any luck, even you can pull a Kucinich of your own!