Pirates Don't Change Diapers

Author: Melinda Long
Illustrator: David Shannon

In today's world, pirates are celebrated as icons of freedom, successful pioneers in sustained rebellion, seafaring scallywags who thumb their noses at the conventions of society and dare to wear bandanas with gold-trimmed smoking jackets no matter what the latest fashion trends may dictate.

Thus, it is only natural that pirates would denounce the diaper. What is more symbolic of the bourgeois constraints of the landlubber class than being forced to sit in a satchel of your own feces? No, no, no... in the pirate world, asses fly free in the salty sea air with nary a diaper in sight. (Which explains the odd nautical term, poopdeck.)

On a philosophical level, diapers go against the core ethic of pirate culture. In the pirate world, shit happens and then you cast your sails for the next adventure. With the diaper on the other hand, shit happens and then you have to sit around in it for a while and contemplate it's essence. This makes the pirate feel all too human, because he has to come face to face (hopefully not literally) with the by-products of his existence and the guilt that comes with it. But the great appeal of being a pirate is that there are no ramifications for one's actions. There are no mistakes. There are no consequences. There is no guilt because, to the pirate, there is no past. As the old buccaneer saying goes, "The days are like the waves, only concern thyself with the one you are on, and the ones that lay ahead."

Obligatory Juvenile Pirate Joke: Why don't pirates change diapers? Because they hate the smell of diarrrrrrrrrhea!