29 March 2007
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes
Author: Rose A. Lewis
Illustrator: Jane Dyer
This lovely story about international adoption (along with 50 Cent's immortal lyric, "I love you like a fat kid loves cake") made cake a universally accepted unit of measurement for love. (e.g. "With her latest adoption, Angelina Jolie has proven to have over a million crazy cakes worth of love to give." or "Madonna found herself in a crazy cake's worth of trouble with the international community when she circumvented the law in an attempt to adopt a baby from Malawi.")
However, like roses, different cakes signify different kinds of love... so interpretation can get tricky. According to Lewis's book, "crazy cakes" are used to measure the amount of love between a mother and her adopted baby--but what about other cakes? As a public service, I've included a rudimentary glossary below to help you decipher the messages hidden in those convoluted and calorie-laden love notes. Good luck!
Birthday Cake: Even though you're getting older, I'm still here. I guess that means I love you.
Birthday Cake (with a hidden file inside): I love you, but not enough to wait for parole, so you can either escape from prison or begin cultivating that special friendship with your cellmate.
Birthday Cake (with a hidden stripper inside): Yes, there is a God.
Bundt Cake: I love you, but I feel like something is missing... for starters: a tolerable personality, a basic understanding of good hygiene, and any legitimate job prospects that don't involve some godawful incarnation of Dungeons and Dragons. Plus, you're just not attractive enough for me. So, I guess I was wrong... I don't love you. Give me back my cake.
Cupcake: I don't love you quite enough to bake you a full-sized cake.
Cupcake (with pink frosting and sprinkles): I luv u, and if u luv me back, tell Ryan at lunch so he can tell Jessica, who will tell me, and then I'll meet u by my locker after 5th period!!! TTYL!!!! ;)
Ice Cream Cake: I love you like a friend... kind of like how I love my DVD collection.
Rice Cake: My love may be bland and unsatisfying, but I guarantee that it will not harm you in any way, shape, or form.
Rice Cake (caramel flavored): I can change, I swear! I don't have to be boring! I can take salsa lessons! I'll start gelling my hair! I can--oh, who am I kidding? I give up. I'm going home to play x-box.
Vegan Sugarless Carrot Cake: I am morally opposed to enjoying life. Yes, that includes love. Don't touch me.
Wedding Cake: I love you with all of my heart. Let's spend the rest of our lives together and eventually stop having sex.