Great Lines in Children's Literature: Sam, Bangs & Moonshine

“Sam said her mother was a mermaid, when everyone knew she was dead.”

Sam, Bangs & Moonshine (Evaline Ness)



Now that is a great sentence. That is children's literature.


I was going to leave it at that, but then when I googled "Evaline Ness", I found out that she was married to Eliot Ness, the man who brought down Al Capone. WHAT?! Why this was never mentioned in The Untouchables?! It would have added an interesting dimension to the movie: Evaline trying to write/illustrate her children's books while dodging bullets from Capone's thugs. She could have even asked Sean Connery to proofread a draft for her. How much would you pay to hear Connery read the following passage?

"Moonshine was a mermaid-mother, a fierce lion, a chariot drawn by dragons, and certainly a baby kangaroo. It was all flummadiddle just as Bangs had told her."



Seriously, it would be worth the price of admission just to hear Connery say "flummadiddle". That would have wrapped up the Oscar for him right there.

I was always curious about Ness's choice of the word "moonshine" for the book... now, knowing her prominent role in the prohibition era, I only have more (and much more interesting) questions. Her husband was famous for his quest to enforce prohibition... yet in the book, Evaline has the line:

"There's good MOONSHINE and bad MOONSHINE," he said. "The important thing is to know the difference."

Was Evaline revealing her own moral misgivings surrounding her husband's role in the prohibition era?

Did her famous law enforcement husband share these same doubts with her behind closed doors?

Did the Ness's partake in a little moonshine themselves? Perhaps at a speakeasy called the Mermaid Mother?

Or was the book (which was printed in 1966, 20 years after her divorce from Eliot Ness) meant to be a not-so-subtle jab at her famous ex-husband?

These questions must be answered! I think it's high time the historians stepped to the plate and did some serious digging...

Kristof's Best Kids' Books EVER!!!

A few good friends forwarded this column from the Sunday New York Times to me today: Nicholas Kristof, the renowned op-ed columnist for the NYT recently wrote about his favorite kids' books. It was an interesting list, but what is even more interesting is that if you look at his body of work, you can see that these childhood favorites really did have an impact on his writing career. Below are some examples:

Kristof Favorite: “Charlotte’s Web.” The story of the spider who saves her friend, the pig, is the kindest representation of an arthropod in literary history.

Related Kristof Article: "Humanity Even for Nonhumans." Writings by a Princeton scholar have popularized a movement to grant basic protections to pigs and chickens and to limit human dominion over other species.

Connection: To what extent do humans have the right to decide the fate of animals?

Kristof Favorite: “Wind in the Willows.” My mother read this 101-year-old English classic to me, and I’m still in love with the characters. Most memorable of all is Toad — rich, vain, childish and prone to wrecking cars.

Related Kristof Article: "It’s Time to Learn From Frogs." Scientists are beginning to find a connection between bizarre deformities in water animals and abnormalities in humans.

Connection: A young Kristoff learned valuable lessons in morality from a misbehaving anthropomorphized toad; scientists learn valuable lessons about humanity by studying genetically misbehaving amphibians.

Kristof Favorite: “Gentle Ben.” The coming-of-age story of a sickly, introspective Alaskan boy who makes friends with an Alaskan brown bear, to the horror of his tough, domineering father.

Related Kristof Article: "Obama, Misha and the Bear." President-elect Barack Obama needs a new approach to Russia if we want to avoid a new cold war, and we also need to get over our crush on Georgia’s president, Mikheil Saakashvili.

Connection: Coming-of-age story, of an skinny, introspective young president who attempts diplomatic relations with possibly hostile parties, to the horror of his tough, domineering predecessors.

I could go on, but I think you get the idea. The conversation continues, as Kristof invites people to list their favorites here.

A is for Angst

I saw this book by Joost Ellfers and was immediately reminded of Miranda July's 2008 bestselling book of short stories: No One Belong Here More Than You.



Upon further inspection, the two books are actually very similar, deftly mixing heavy doses insecurity and angst with hints of charm and quirk. I thought it was just a coincidence until I saw this picture of July:



The resemblance is uncanny. Could there be a secret Joost-July alliance that we're not aware of? If not, should we request one?

"Not My Problem"

You may have seen this already, but the Onion A.V. Club has an interesting breakdown of the DVD commentary accompanying the garish trainwreck/nightmare that was the Cat In the Hat movie (which is nice, since no one in their right mind would by the DVD, let alone sit through the commentary).

The article highlights this revealing quote from the director Bo Welch:

"See, we addressed the book—at least the cover and the back cover. What happens in between there is not my problem."

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Twitter

So, I decided to try giving this twitter thing a whirl... and after playing around with it, I thought... you know who Twitter would be a good format for? Alexander from Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day! (Judith Viorst and Ray Cruz). I can just imagine Alexander, moping around all day, typing in disgruntled updates on his iPhone...

AlexanderNoGood teacher just said i sing too loud. :(

AlexanderNoGood @ school, Mrs. Dickens liked Paul's pic of boat better than my invisible castle.

AlexanderNoGood I can tell this is going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

AlexanderNoGood In carpool: becky, audrey, + elliot got window seats. I was scrunched, smushed, and car sick.

AlexanderNoGood i found cereal in my cereal. :( think i'll move to Australia.

AlexanderNoGood @ breakfast: Anthony found Corvette Sting Ray kit in cereal. Nick found Jr. Undercover Agent code ring in cereal.

AlexanderNoGood I can tell this is going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

You get the idea. If you want to check out his twitter page and see running proof that it was indeed a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. (and here's a link to mine, which will--hopefully--be less of a downer.)

Cloudy No More!

A while ago, I posted about Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs, pointing out some of the delightfully bizarre illustrations, one of which was what appeared to be baby heads stuck to the front of a garbage truck.



Well, Ron Barrett left a comment setting the record straight:

"I illustrated this book. To clarify the heads: sanitation workers in New York City find dolls in the trash place the heads on the the rods at the front corners of their trucks which they use to navigate through tight spots. One can also see teddy bears on the radiator grills. What the reader sees is the work of playful garbagemen, not sadistic maniacs."

So, there you have it! Mystery solved! Thanks, Ron!

Note: In case Mr. Barrett is reading again, I didn't actually think that the garbagemen were sadistic maniacs--or that the town of Chewandswallow was a brutal totalitarian regime... :)

Miss Nelson Is Missing: The Movie

Cause it's only a matter of time, right?



IMDB entry

User rating: 6.5/10

Director: Clint Eastwood
Writer: Henry Allard
Artistic Director: James Marshall

Genre: Mystery/Thriller

Tagline: "Their teacher is missing... and they have no one to blame but themselves."

Plot: When their teacher (Drew Barrymore) mysteriously disappears, the students (led by Dakota Fanning and Bobb'e J. Thompson) enlist the help of a hapless detective (Seth Rogan) to track her down.

In the Night Kitchen

Maurice Sendak's classic In the Night Kitchen, re-released as a memoir:

From Publisher's Weekly: Bourdain's latest behind-the-scenes memoir is another no-holds-barred adventure into the surreal underbelly of the restaurant industry. And never one to shy away from controversy, the rebellious Bourdain writes with two objectives in mind: shock and awe. There is one particularly bizarre scene involving full frontal nudity and getting "baked" in the kitchen that is sure to cause a stir among those with a more sensitive palette... but the rest of us should settle in for the meal of a lifetime. With Bourdain and Sendak in the night kitchen, you're guaranteed to have your cake and eat it too.

Little Mole In Action (Figure)

The Story of the Little Mole in Search of Whodunnit has inspired the creative bunch over at Live 'n Learn to make their very own Little Mole action figure... how cool is that? They should get in touch with Holzwarth and Erlbruch to produce a whole line of these babies... throw in some creative use of tootsie rolls and you've got hours of zany educational fun!

One more for good luck

From the Unnecessary Sequels cutting room floor, here is another honorable mention for your viewing pleasure. I was playing around with this idea while the judges were deliberating, but didn't actually finish it... thought you all might get a kick out of it anyway. This one is also courtesy of the unstoppable Kate Coombs:

The Very Bulimic Caterpillar: Caterpillars aren't supposed to be fat because fatness is unattractive, also it's unhealthy. One little caterpillar learns an important lesson in this colorful picture book about what to do if you feel waaaay too full!

That's All, Folks!

All good things must come to an end... and the Unnecessary Children's Book Sequels That Never Were is now over (and I hope you thought it was good while it lasted!). Farida has a nice two part round-up of the submissions (Part I and Part II) that didn't get illustrated, but were hilarious nonetheless. Truth is, I would have tried to illustrate them all if I had the time, and I may still work up another one here and there if I get a chance. But it was a lot of fun, thanks everyone and maybe we'll do this again soon!

Here is a quick round-up of the results:

First Place: Harry and the Can of Purple Spray Paint (Kate Coombs)



Second Place: The Very Hungry Larva (Elaine Magliaro)



Third Place: Kitty's First Meteor Hurtling On A Terrifying Death Path Toward Earth (Hannah Mahoney)



And some of the Honorable Mentions:

Unnecessary Sequel First Place Winner: Harry and the Can of Purple Spray Paint

Finally, the moment you've all been waiting for... First place in Saints and Spinners' Unnecessary Children's Book Sequels That Never Were Contest goes to Kate Coombs with her unnecessary sequel to Crockett Johnson's masterpiece, Harold and the Purple Crayon:

Harry and the Can of Purple Spray Paint: Whatever you do, don't call him Harold. He's a big boy now, and he wields a mean can of spray paint! Follow Harry up and down dirty alleys and streets, also beneath overpasses, in this touching sequel. Remember: when you see that magical purple tag, an H with a skull-handled dagger slashing through it, you know Harry's been there and left his mark. -Kate Coombs

So there you have it! Congratulations, Kate!

And a big thanks to everyone who submitted their awesome suggestions... and thank you Melangell and Phil for judging and of course, thank you Farida for thinking up and organizing the contest!

Unnecessary Sequels: More Honorable Mentions

The Unnecessary Children's Book Sequels That Never Were Contest had a whole bunch of fun submissions that played on Shel Silverstein's The Giving Tree, so it had to make it as an honorable mention:



The Taking Tree: Shel Silverstein's sequel to The Giving Tree proves to be much less popular, as children everywhere shun trees for fear of grabby branches and thieving twigs, and parents complain about the bad morals being conveyed to their impressionable tots. Book rated highly with test audiences, but it was later revealed that test audience consisted mainly of rhododendrons. -a.fortis, Finding Wonderland

The Tree: Co-dependent No More!: A burst of insight leads the formerly Giving Tree to shed its unhealthy relationship with The Boy as it sprouts a new branch from the stump it has become. -MotherReader

Counting Rings: A Very Special Crime Scene Investigation of 'The Giving Tree': Using the current DSM-V (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), "Counting Rings: A Very Special Crime Scene Investigation of 'The Giving Tree'" breaks down, in a child-friendly counting-book way, the psychoses and delusions behind your child's first - and favorite - dysfunctional relationship. -Lee Wind
http://www.leewind.org

The Irate Stump: The Giving Tree has a few regrets . . . -Jamie Michalak

The Trading Tree: The story of a cunning tree which, starting with the offer of an apple for allowance, slowly trades a young boy out of his considerable inheritance over the course of his life, leaving him with nothing but a place to sit. -Tony Dowler (not an official entry, since he's a relation...)

And one more for good measure--the unnecessary sequel to Bread and Jam For Frances:

Brie and Foie Gras For Frances: After spending a month-long summer vacation in Paris with her parents and younger sister, Frances returns home and refuses to eat anything other than brie cheese and foie gras imported from France. -Elaine Magliaro



That's it for now. Remember to check in with Saints and Spinners on Friday to see who got first place in the contest!

p.s. there are a ton of other honorable mention worthy submissions that I hope to get too in time... unfortunately, if I spend any more time on photoshop my eyes might pop out of my skull and/or my wife might stuff my laptop down the garbage disposal (with good reason).

Unnecessary Sequels Second Place Winner: The Very Hungry Larva (or Moth Madness)

Second Place in the Unnecessary Children's Book Sequels That Never Were Contest goes to Elaine Magliaro of Wild Rose Reader and her sequel to Eric Carle's The Very Hungry Caterpiller:

The Very Hungry Larva or Moth Madness: This is the tale of a "mad about plaid" caterpillar that eats his way through all the heirloom tartans in a Scottish castle. The larva is finally caught and "kilt" by a wild and woolly sheep shearer and his weaver wife who live on the banks of Loch Lamb. -Elaine Magliaro

Congratulations Elaine, and thanks for the great suggestion! 1st Place (and maybe a few more honorable mentions) will continue to rollout during the rest of the week. Check in with Saints and Spinners for all the details!

Note: Contest judges were the worldy and wise Melangell and Phil. Thanks guys!

Unnecessary Sequel Honorable Mention: Wet Dog, Wet Dog, What Do You Smell?

Tomorrow, Saints and Spinners will announce the 2nd Place Winner in the Unnecessary Children's Book Sequels Contest. Until then, here is another Honorable Mention via a submission from Yat-Yee (and not just because she asked nicely... though she did):

An unnecessary addition to Eric Carle's iconic Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? series: Wet Dog, Wet Dog, What Do You Smell?



...or if you want one of Penguin's newer/edgier designs, try the Penguin UK Modern Classics version:



That's it for now! (Hope that didn't gross you out too much!)
Remember to check in tomorrow at Saints and Spinners to find out who is the second place winner of the Unnecessary Children' Book Sequels That Never Were Contest!

Unnecessary Sequel Third Place Winner: Kitty’s First Meteor Hurtling on a Terrifying Death Path Toward Earth

Third Place in the Unnecessary Children's Book Sequels That Never Were Contest goes to Hannah Mahoney with her sequel to Kevin Henkes' modern classic, Kitten's First Full Moon:

Kitty’s First Meteor Hurtling on a Terrifying Death Path Toward Earth: Henkes goes for the dark side in the sequel to Kitten’s First Full Moon. Please note that scenes of worldwide panic and of the apocalyptic destruction of the eastern seaboard may not be appropriate for the very youngest readers. -Hannah Mahoney (Copy Manager, Candlewick Press)

And then of course (as with all successful children's books these days), comes the blockbuster movie adaptation:



Congratulations Hannah, and thanks for your winning submission! 2nd and 1st Place (along with more honorable mentions) will be coming up throughout the week. Check in with Saints and Spinners for all the details!

Note: Contest judges were the eminent Melangell and Phil. Thanks guys!

Unnecessary Sequel Honorable Mention: Where The Wild Things Aren't

The wise judges (Melangell and Phil) have spoken! Check in with Saints and Spinners tomorrow (Monday) as she unveils the results. She will announce the winners and I will post the illustrations here. In the meantime, there were a lot of great submissions for a sequel to Where The Wild Things Are, so I was compelled to make one:



Thanks to everyone for their creative suggestions, and stay tuned for more throughout the week!

Where the Wild Things Aren't: a loving commentary on boredom and conformity. -Greg W.

Where the Wild Things Aren't: After seeing his pediatrician and a child psychologist, max is prescribed medication for his anger management issues and night terrors. -Rocco Staino and Cynthia Sandler

Where the Wild Things Are Having a Bash: Max grows up and leaves home for Carousal State College--the biggest party school in the country. There, he meets other "wild things" and sails off with them into drunken oblivion every weekend. Of course, when he sobers up on Monday mornings, his Friday night dinners are always cold and moldy. -Elaine Magliaro

Where the Wild Things Aren't: Max grows up, becomes an accountant, marries the nice Jewish girl next door and spends the rest of his life in painful anonymity. -The Library Lady

Wild Things: A Tropical Theme Park: This picture book is a story about an important industry called tourism. In it, we welcome you to a tropical paradise reached by some pretty clever chronological sailing. See our monsters in their very specially designed habitat and later you can even watch a trained monster show while sipping on banana daiquiris as the sun sets over the ocean. Written and developed by Imperial Corporate, Inc. just for you. -Kate Coombs

The Paper Bag Princess

Author: Robert Munsch
Illustrator: Michael Martchenko

The moral of The Paper Bag Princess is a welcome and subversive take on your standard fairy tale fare. A pretty princess loses her clothes and realizes in the end that she doesn't need all those pretty clothes to be a princess. She emerges stronger, more independent, and wielding a new vision of femininity that serves her well as she battles dragons, close-minded boyfriends, and the wedding industry.

Unfortunately, I think the message of this book may have been too subtle because the moral seems to have been lost on some of our modern day princesses. Whereas the original Paper Bag Princess shed her clothes in a bold act of defiance, bravely discarding the trappings and confines of traditional femininity, today's female royalty are shedding their clothes for an entirely different reason.

The phenomenon was thoroughly examined in Ariel Levy's Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture, and will be further explored in Almeta Grayson's new book Paper Bag Princess, which profiles the disturbing trend of sexual exploitation as a route to fame. (exhibit A: Paris Hilton; exhibit B: Kim Kardashian).

From Publishers Weekly: "These sobering portraits force the reader to question a society that not only encourages this brand of sexploitation, but rewards it with prime time TV deals and endless magazine covers. A well-balanced but jarring social critique, Paper Bag Princess will change the way you watch TV... and how you see the world."








Note: This started out as a standard satirical post, but I have to admit that I am legitimately disturbed by this. Maybe it's because I'm getting to the age where the idea of fatherhood is not just a distant and abstract concept, but I consistently find myself flipping through the TV saying to myself (or my wife), "Our children will not watch TV. We are moving to a remote cabin in the woods where E! cannot find us." Call me a prude, but the idea of raising a daughter in a world where sex tapes are a legitimate path to stardom scares the sh!t out of me.

A Lighter Note: For a more thorough discussion of the actual Paper Bag Princess, see Fuse #8's profile of the book, which came in at #70 in her Top 100 Picture Books List.

Unnecessary Children's Book Sequels Contest - Honorable Mention: I Am Still A Bunny

While the winners of the contest are still being determined, here is something to give you a taste of the Unnecessary Children's Book Sequels Contest results. This is a great entry that didn't quite make the final cut, but I couldn't resist making a cover for it. This one is a sequel to the classic I Am A Bunny and comes courtesy of Charlotte of Charlotte's Library:

"I Am Still a Bunny" by Ole Risom.

We've already spent one fun-filled year with Nicholas the Bunny. Now the cute rabbit takes another trip through the seasons, in which he continues to be a passive, isolated observer of the pagent of life. "In spring, I watch other animals making friends." Children will be comforted by the fact that flowers still bloom, leaves still fall, and Nicholas is still watching them.

In case the resolution is not clear enough for you to read the quote at the top, it says:

"A devastating meditation on the nature of passivity in a society obsessed with hyper-engagement. If only we could all still be bunnies."
-Jonathan Franzen, author of How To Be Alone

Thank you, Charlotte for that awesome suggestion! Stay tuned for more soon...

Note: Not all of the contest illustrations will be children's books re-imagined as books for grown-ups... but I reserve the right to scratch that book design review itch when necessary.

Bottom Shelf Books Redesigned: Goodnight Moon

While prepping for the Unnecessary Picture Book Sequels Contest (the results of which we will begin revealing any day now), I remembered a feature that I'd been wanting to do for a while: Redesigning classic picture book titles as grown-up novels. I think it's because I've spent too much time stalking Book Design Review and other such sites that appeal to an amateur dork like me.

So here is the first installment... Goodnight Moon redesigned as a noir-ish novel:

Wild Rumpus At The White House

Last Day!

Today is the last day for submission to the Unneccessary Children's Book Sequels That Never Were Contest over at Saints and Spinners. GO! GO! GO!!

Everyone Poops Trailer

My friend Karin sent me this... the perfect way to jumpstart an otherwise lethargic Thursday morning!

p.s.: I realize that there have been an inordinate number of posts about poop lately. I can't explain it, but I am doing my best to rectify the situation. (no pun intended.)

Unnecessary Sequels Contest Still Going Strong!

The Unneccessary Children's Book Sequels That Never Were Contest over at Saints and Spinners is still going strong! You've got until Friday to submit your winning entry. Go to Farida's site to see all the rules, but basically, submit your entry and judges will choose the top three submissions. I will then attempt to illustrate or photoshop-ustrate the winning entries for your viewing pleasure. Winners get their choice of prizes!

So think hard about your favorite children's books (or if you need to jog your memory, check out Fuse #8's definitive list of Top 100 Picture Books) and imagine the bizarre and unnecessary directions that they may lead...

To get you primed, last week we brought you the delightfully squirm-inducing Millions of Rats (see above). We've gotten some really good responses so far, so too keep the momentum going here is another unnecessary sequel--the follow up to Leo Lionni's heartwarming classic Alexander and the Wind-Up Mouse... Alexander and the Logitech MX610 Wireless Laser Mouse!



From the press release that never was:

"In a bold new joint venture to promote cross-industrial synergy, the Lionni estate has partnered with industry leader Logitech to launch a new series of children's books that will teach children about the importance of compassion, the beauty of friendship, and the advantages of the cutting-edge technology that only Logitech products can provide. Now available at your local Best Buy. "

Now go join in on the fun and GIVE US YOUR BEST SHOT!

Jellybeans

For those of you who have ever wanted to win that prized jar of jellybeans, you have to CHECK THIS OUT. My uber-talented friend Oliver Uberti is a Design Editor for National Geographic (a.k.a the Dream Job) and put this mind games blogpost together.

And using his prescribed method of estimation, I came within 100 jelly beans of the correct answer! Hot Diggigity Donuts! Now if I could only travel back in time to the third grade...

Also, be sure to check out Oliver's website. He gives you an insider's look at the thought processes behind the pages of National Geographic, which (if you're a dork like me) is like freakin' candy (a giant jar of jelly beans, if you will).

Contest Time!

[Note: This is not an April Fool's Day gag.]

My buddy Farida over at Saints & Spinners came up with the idea to have a great contest and asked if I wanted get in on the action. My immediate answer was "Yeah!"... and then after giving it some thought, my answer was "Heck Yeah!"

The contest is called Unnecessary Children’s Book Sequels That Never Were (a spin-off of her awesome feature: Children's Books That Never Were).

So go over there and CHECK IT OUT and get your creative juices flowing! You have until April 10th. If you come up with one of the three winning entries, I will do my best to illustrate (or photoshop-ustrate) it!

Plus, the winners will get their choice of prizes... an awesome homemade doll/action figure (a Farida original), a Jim Henson dvd, or this random painting of a robot!

One True Sentence

In A Moveable Feast, Hemingway talks about the life of a writer, saying that "All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence you know."

I wonder if Dr. Charlotte Cowan had this in mind while writing "The Moose With Loose Poops". How else could she construct a sentence as devastatingly honest as:

"A waterfall's coming out of my bottom!"


Yikes! Forget the truth! and forget you, Hemingway!
I don't want the truth! I can't handle the truth!

Bottom Shelf Quiz

One of the following is an award winning children's book. The other seven are all part of the collected fictions of Jorge Luis Borges. Can you spot the children's book?


a) The Improbable Impostor Tom Castro
b) The Widow Ching - Pirate
c) Man on Pink Corner
d) The Two Kings and the Two Labyrinths
e) Hakim, the Masked Dyer of Merv
f) The Garden of Abdul Gasazi
g) The Night of the Gifts
h) The Approach to Al-Mu'tasim



To see if you're correct, click here.

(Though, if you read the book you'll see that it's very possible that it was stolen from Borges... either that or Borges snuck in through a window at night and whispered the story into the author's sleeping ear.)

The Story of the Little Mole Who Went In Search of Whodunnit

Authors: Werner Holzarth and Wolf Ehrlbruch

The children's book industry has always niche for books dealing with bodily functions, but if you want some mystery and intrigue mixed in with your scatalogical humor, Holzarth and Ehrlbruch have the book for you.

The story is simple: a mole emerges from his slumber and gets shat on (talk about a case of the mondays). The indignant mole goes on an (understandably) indignant rampage interrogating every being he comes across in an attempt to find the culprit. The entire time, he still has the poop on his head, which makes him look kind of like a character from Grease.

During each interrogation, he asks if the poops belongs to them and each character proves their innocence by (enthusiastically) providing proof by showing their own (much different looking) poop as evidence. And believe you me, the evidence is overwhelming. Not even the crew from CSI could find fault with these steaming samples of innocence.

(Note: The book was rereleased as The Story of the Little Mole Who Knew It Was None of His Business: The Plop Up Edition! that allows the children to join in on the fun... one can only hope that the book stirs your child's respect for scientific inquiry and does not result in a general fondness for playing with poop.)

This story teaches a lesson that is particularly valuable during these harsh times. It seems like every morning we wake up to some new piece of crappy news. The mole provides us with new model of heroism by teaching us not to take this shit sitting down. When the world gives you crap, you find out whodunnit and demand retribution.

Spolier Alert: In an unexpected plot twist, it turns out that the culprit was... Bob Dylan. The Malibu Police Department has joined the Mole in his quest for justice.

Musical Note: I think I might have just found the perfect soundtrack for The Story of the Little Mole Who Knew It Was None of His Business: The Movie. (In High Definition 3D of course.)

So take a second to imagine... the mole wakes up, gets shat on and takes off to the tune of Mississippi John Hurt singing "Nobody's Dirty Business". Can you say Instant Classic?

Tagged!

Kate Coombs, prolific children's book writer and blogger over at Book Aunt, tagged me a while back giving me the award for Most Obscurely Hilarious. And I honestly don't think I could think of a more flattering award. (Take that, Demitri Martin!)

Unfortunately, I thought it was freeze tag and have been standing frozen in time for the past few months, which explains why I haven't been writing at all... that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

Or... was it that I thought Obsurely Hilarious meant that it would be hilarious to vanish into obscurity? Yeah, that's it. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to that.

Point is: Thanks, Kate!

Petunia: A Cautionary Tale for the Modern Jackass

Author/Illustrator: Roger Duvoisin

Modern Jackass (n.): a person that talks expertly about something he/she actually knows very little or nothing about.

Modern Jackass is a term that was recently made popular by nasally heartthrob and king of geeks, Ira Glass. It gained traction with a This American Life episode dedicated to the modern condition of speaking at length and with confidence on topics that you are not qualified talk about, let alone pontificate on.

(Disclosure: I didn't listen to that particular show, so my talking about the show without actually listening to it is in itself an example of Modern Jackass-ism. Does that blow your mind?)

This phenomenon seems somewhat unavoidable in today's society due to two pervasive issues:

1) The overwhelming availability of information and the constant barrage of stimulus has rendered the modern mind virtually paralyzed by Attention Deficit Disorder. (Seriously, there are times when I can barely read a paragraph without a commercial break.) As a society populated by minds that flutter and flit about like hummingbirds on crack, it's a minor miracle that any of us know anything.

2) Information flows so quickly and the news cycle spins at such a furious pace that it takes an obsessive nature of almost maniacal proportions just to keep up with the ever shifting nuances of any issue. This was most obvious during the presidential campaign, when breaking news in the morning was already yesterday's news by lunchtime (which was bad for the real yesterday's news which had already become ancient history). Given the speed at which we operate nowadays, you get the feeling that just blinking means you've fallen behind... and possibly into jackass territory.

While these conditions make Modern Jackass-ism seem like a new phenomenon, we all know that talking out of line has been around since the beginning of time. It was captured perfectly by Roger Duvoisin in seminal work on the matter: Petunia.

First published in 1950 (well before Ira Glass was born and waaaay before he ever donned his first pair of hipster-intellectual glasses), Petunia is the story of a silly goose who gets her wings on a book and thinks that automatically makes her wise. The other barnyard animals, seeing her walk around with her proud head held high in the air and a book in her arms, also think that she must be wise... so they ask her for advice. Petunia gladly gives her ill-advice, and eventually Petunia's pride and false wisdom ends up blowing up in all their faces (quite literally).

As this classic children's book shows, speaking out when you don't know what you're talking about is nothing particularly new. Whether you call it Modern Jackass or the Petunia Syndrome, at the end of the day we're all just a bunch of old-fashioned dumbasses.

Tagged!

A while back, children's book guru and readiologist extraordinaire Esme Raji Codell of Planet Esme was kind enough to tag my delinquent self with the I Heart Your Blog honor. Woohoo--thanks Esme!

(Note: Thanks to my much more observant wife, I just made the connection that Esme is the Esme from Educating Esme: Diary of a Teacher's First Year... a great book about teaching which I read back in 2001. Holy crap! As someone who works in education, consider me doubly honored!)

Now the rules of the game say that the blogs I tap are supposed to:

1) Add the logo of the award to your blog
2) Add a link to the person who awarded it to you
3) Nominate at least 7 other blogs
4) Add links to those blogs on your blog
5) Leave a message for your nominees on their blogs!

HOWEVER, I realize this is late in the game and some of you may have already been tagged. So in case you've been previously hearted, I'm offering several alternative options. Here's the deal: do any of the following things and consider yourself exempt your from the rules above!

1) Draw a heart on your palm, go up to one person and say "Stop! In the Name of Love!"
2) Send me a definition of the made up word: Boomdalpiferous.
3) Next time you walk through a revolving door, go around twice.
4) Link to Bottom Shelf Books, but with the words "Tina Fey's Super Secret Crush".
5) Perform open heart surgery.

Deal? Now, without further ado and in no particular order, 7 children's lit blogs that I'm glad exist:

Seven Impossible Things Before Breakfast: Like the storm in the Wizard of Oz, the ladies at 7-Imp hit your dull world like a tornado and suddenly the whole world is more colorful... if also disturbingly surreal and with the occasional flying monkey attack.

Saints & Spinners: Kid's books, Photoshop chops & guitar tabs... what else could you want? Also, I've said it before and I'll say it again, her Children's Books That Never Were feature is pure genius and I still don't forgive her for thinking of it first.

Finding Wonderland: Because in addition to being generally awesome, the names AquaFortis & TadMack sounds like something that would be on Cartoon Network after dark. The most potent duo this side of Macaroni & Cheese.

MotherReader: Sprinkling her insightful posts with hilarious rants, the occasional naughty word, and adventures in politics, she is one bad ass mother. (p.s. hell yeah, VA!)

A Fuse #8 Production: There's a saying, "If someone says they love movies, but they haven't seen any Hitchcock... then they don't really love movies." By that same token, If someone says they love children's literature, but haven't read A Fuse #8 Production... then they don't like really love children's literature.

The Jarrett Krosoczka and Maxwell Eaton III blogs: Because they are both fun blogs that let us into the minds of some hip kickass authors... and also because when I was just getting started these author dudes were down for some goofy spoofy interviews. (Plus: Jarrett and I shared drinks once and Max and I share a birthday. So there.)

Of course there are many others, but the rules say seven, so I'm stopping at seven.

Oh, and one last thing: Tina Fey's Super Secret Crush.

BSB Flashback: I Love You Like Crazy Cakes

29 March 2007

Author: Rose A. Lewis
Illustrator: Jane Dyer

This lovely story about international adoption (along with 50 Cent's immortal lyric, "I love you like a fat kid loves cake") made cake a universally accepted unit of measurement for love. (e.g. "With her latest adoption, Angelina Jolie has proven to have over a million crazy cakes worth of love to give." or "Madonna found herself in a crazy cake's worth of trouble with the international community when she circumvented the law in an attempt to adopt a baby from Malawi.")

However, like roses, different cakes signify different kinds of love... so interpretation can get tricky. According to Lewis's book, "crazy cakes" are used to measure the amount of love between a mother and her adopted baby--but what about other cakes? As a public service, I've included a rudimentary glossary below to help you decipher the messages hidden in those convoluted and calorie-laden love notes. Good luck!

Birthday Cake: Even though you're getting older, I'm still here. I guess that means I love you.

Birthday Cake (with a hidden file inside): I love you, but not enough to wait for parole, so you can either escape from prison or begin cultivating that special friendship with your cellmate.

Birthday Cake (with a hidden stripper inside): Yes, there is a God.

Bundt Cake: I love you, but I feel like something is missing... for starters: a tolerable personality, a basic understanding of good hygiene, and any legitimate job prospects that don't involve some godawful incarnation of Dungeons and Dragons. Plus, you're just not attractive enough for me. So, I guess I was wrong... I don't love you. Give me back my cake.

Cupcake: I don't love you quite enough to bake you a full-sized cake.

Cupcake (with pink frosting and sprinkles): I luv u, and if u luv me back, tell Ryan at lunch so he can tell Jessica, who will tell me, and then I'll meet u by my locker after 5th period!!! TTYL!!!! ;)

Ice Cream Cake: I love you like a friend... kind of like how I love my DVD collection.

Rice Cake: My love may be bland and unsatisfying, but I guarantee that it will not harm you in any way, shape, or form.

Rice Cake (caramel flavored): I can change, I swear! I don't have to be boring! I can take salsa lessons! I'll start gelling my hair! I can--oh, who am I kidding? I give up. I'm going home to play x-box.

Vegan Sugarless Carrot Cake: I am morally opposed to enjoying life. Yes, that includes love. Don't touch me.

Wedding Cake: I love you with all of my heart. Let's spend the rest of our lives together and eventually stop having sex.

Live From the Bottom Shelf: Jeff Newman

The cool thing about writing random posts about children's books is that you sometimes you get responses from the author. That was the case with Jeff Newman, who emailed me after reading my post on Hippo! No, Rhino! Ever opportunistic, I took that opportunity to ask him for an interview. Over the next few months I fed him a steady dose of a question a month. (I was in the middle of getting ready for the wedding, so I was terrible on email. Luckily, Jeff was just coming off his own wedding, so he was understanding and accomodating. Phew! and Congrats!)

But enough from me. Without further ado, I give you:

Jeff Newman

Question 1: When did you decide to pursue a career as a children's book author?

Well, I'm still not sure, with the number of books that I've produced since I started working in the industry in 2000, I could call this a career:) But to answer your question, I decided to pursue a career in children's books when someone agreed to publish one of mine! During my sophomore year of college, I took a picture book illustration class and a children's literature class, concurrently (in the latter, I wrote the story for Reginald, my first published book, and in the former I created the dummy for the same story). But I wasn't entirely sure if that was the route I wanted to take. I had a hard time deciding what to do, because I wanted to try everything (editorial, comics, animation). Then, after college, my girlfriend at the time, also an aspiring illustrator, got a job as an assistant to the art director at Random House Children's Books, so we moved to New York in the summer of 2000. She came home from work one day and told me that she'd taken my dummy for Reginald into Random House, and had shown it to some of the editorial staff.

A week or two later, I met with an editor for Doubleday, and we were on our way to turning it into a real, live book. I've been making books (albeit slowly), ever since. So, I never really decided to pursue this as a career--it just kind of happened. And I'm incredibly lucky that it did. I've always been driven to create, but the business and promotion angle of the illustration continues to make me uncomfortable. Thankfully, I've got an agent, now, so I don't have to deal with the business aspect quite so much.

Question 2: Since Hippo! No Rhino! isn't exactly your conventional kid's book, did you have any trouble convincing the editors to go for it?

Not really; I mean, I did submit Hippo! to about three or four different publishers before it was accepted at Little, Brown. But that seems like a pretty low number, compared to other submissions stories that I've heard, especially since, as you point out, it's not a conventional kid's book. Those editors that showed some interest in the book, but ultimately turned it down, unanimously thought that the story needed to be "fleshed out". I felt strongly that it wasn't so much a story as an incident, and that it said everything I wanted it to say in that format. Luckily, the dummy made it into the hands of my editor, Alvina Ling, so I never had to discover what "fleshed out" meant. I'm pretty sure it would have involved adding more words, and maybe changing the title to Quiet, Little Rhino, or something like that.

After Hippo! arrived at Little, Brown, and all the way up through its publication, I never had any trouble convincing Alvina to go for it. I didn't have to, because we were on the same page from the get-go. If there was any doubt regarding the book's direction, I never heard about it. I just made the book I wanted to make, and I realize, especially now, how rare an opportunity that is. She protected it all the way.

Question 3: As a children's author, do you ever feel the need to self-censor yourself in your daily life? Or rather, do children's authors need to maintain a squeaky clean image in order to get published? (Note: I do not consider Madonna to be a children's book author.)

The funny thing about Madonna is, she's probably one of the few celebrities who (at least I get the sense) wrote her own stories because she actually believed she had good stories to tell. I'm probably being naive; she may have had a ton of help. But I read The English Roses, and I got the feeling that it was copied directly from Madonna's notepad, without any editor interference. That might explain why it's so damn long, and why it sounds better when you read it with a fake British accent. So what I'm saying is, you might actually enjoy it.

And since we're talking Madonna, the answer to your second question is no. Whether or not you consider Madonna an author on the grounds that what she makes is of dubious quality, technically, she is. That said, she's Madonna, and her reputation has (arguably) almost everything to do with her getting books published. But for the average author, I think that the books speak for themselves; whether you're "squeaky clean" or not only matters insomuch as you don't do a line of cocaine off of a publisher's desk when you first meet them, or get up in front of a group of kids and scream "f__k!"

Still, (and this is an answer to your first question) I do feel the pressure to self-censor from time to time, and it's almost always in the presence of other children's authors, editors, and various industry folk that I don't know especially well (especially librarians, for some reason). And part of it is just because I produce material for children, and providers of that material are under more scrutiny than those that make stuff for adults. Also, you never know who you're talking to. Is that author just a guy like yourself, writing (hopefully) funny stories for kids, or is it a behavioral psychologist that will make you feel ashamed for showing an older brother picking on a younger brother in one of your books, without showing some kind of terrible consequence for the older brother's actions, or someone that blushes when you say "oh my god" rather than "oh my gosh"? There are so many different levels of concern for the effects books (and by extension, their authors) are going to have on children (I'd be at a pretty low level, I guess), and I feel like they're all out there, personified. I'm probably just paranoid.

Thankfully, in my daily life, I don't interact with a lot of people that know I'm a children's author, besides close friends and family, and they definitely don't hold me to any moral standard (aside from expecting me not commiting a felony, maybe).

(Interviewers note: I apologize--I didn't mean to imply that Madonna was not a children's book author... I meant to imply that including her in the ranks of children's authors when considering moral behavior would be difficult because, I assume, she's an outlier. Though rumor is that Margaret Wise Brown was quite the wild child. But I digress.)

Question 4: So, assuming you can resist the temptation to commit a felony (and don't come down with a sudden case of Turret's Syndrome), do you have any other projects coming down the pipeline that we should be watching out for?

Yes, I do have a few books in the works. The first one, the one that I've been working on for just about two years (!) is called The Boys, and it was going to come out next summer, but now it's been pushed to summer '10. It's a book that has some association with baseball, so it was decided that it needs to be released during the baseball season. And I agree, it just bums me out that I have to wait that long to see it in print. The reason it got bumped from the '09 season is threefold: the first reason is because I suck at using a paintbrush, and all the "outlines" in The Boys are brushed rather than inked (maybe one of the best/worst ideas ever). The second reason is because the page count was upped to 40 pages from 32 (I still have a few pages left to do, in fact), and the reason for that is the third reason it was delayed: it was soooo hard to make this story work without words. But I have to say, all the effort was worth it. I think. I hope.

And then I'm illustrating Aaron Reynold's The Carnivore Club for Chronicle Books, followed by Joseph Bruchac's Rabbit's Snow Dance for Dial Books. And some point, I'll be making (i.e. both writing andillustrating) my fourth book for Simon & Schuster.

Grand (Random) Finale Questions:
1) If you could choose any person (living or dead) to narrate your life story, who would that be?
2) What song would you want playing at the end of your life story after the screen faded to black and the credits started to roll?
3) In the DVD version of your life, what would be one of the deleted scenes and/or special features?

Now...I could pick someone at random to narrate my life story, but I don't have anyone in particular in mind. Also, I'm not sure what kind of special features the DVD of my life would have besides a commentary track of me sighing at every stupid thing I've ever done and said. But I do know my "final" song, and it's Holy Grail by Badly Drawn Boy. And yes, I have put a lot of thought into it prior to being asked the question, which I guess is kind of sad, but being as it's one of the last choices I'll make, I figure I better make the right one.

Oooooo... good song choice. Unfortunately, I couldn't find a clip of that song on YouTube, so I'll end the interview with another Badly Drawn Boy song... Thanks for the great interview, Jeff!

Roll Credits!