Where Do People Go When They Die?

Author: Mindy Avra Portnoy
Illustrator: Shelly Haas

Portnoy is a rabbi who presents this book as a tool to help parents cope with the awkward situation of discussing the concept of death and the afterlife with their kids. (Apparently, the popular "Grandpa went on vacation" approach is no longer recommended.)

Indeed, death is a tricky question. Just ask Dr. Kevorkian who, just last week, was released after 8 years in prison because of his controversial interpretation of death. Upon his release, he has sworn that he will not break any more laws, but will work to change the law in order to legalize the practice of physician assisted suicide.

What he needs is a good P.R. person. It's hard to win people over when you are known as "Dr. Death." (and it is even harder to shake the name "Dr. Death" when you naturally resemble the Grim Reaper.) If I were to manage his campaign, my first act would be to spread his message by utilizing popular medical television shows. Yes, in this case, the revolution will be televised.


Grey's Anatomy: McDreamy, McSteamy? Meet the newest surgical resident, Dr. McDeathy. Death is much easier to cope with when you have a sensitive doctor with wavy hair and bedroom eyes pulling your plug.





House: He puts the Ass in Assisted Suicide.






ER: Is this show even still on?





Scrubs: Actually, I would make this show a recipient of an assisted suicide... anything to put Zack Braff and the rest of the cast out of their misery. Don't get me wrong, I love the show (and spent a large portion of my unemployment watching every syndicated episode 5 times over). But I can't watch it anymore. It's too painful. You could tell that by Season 4, the actors started to get tired of the show and began going through the motions. Now they just push along, trying to hold onto the magic that made them successful, but quickly turning into grotesque caricatures of themselves. For their own good, it's time to let them go. But there's no need to cry. Even if the show does come to a merciful end, it will never truly leave us. Where Do Sitcoms Go When They Die? They are reborn in syndication and reincarnated as DVD Box Sets.

If only life were that simple. I would love to be reincarnated as the DVD version of myself, complete with Special Bonus Features.

Deleted Scenes: Including the scene where, at 10 years old, I easily defeat Turbo and Nitro to become the youngest person to ever win American Gladiators.

Alternate Endings: Such as the ending where I die saving a shipload of kittens from Antonin Scalia and his bloodthirsty gang of constructionist thugs.

Director's Commentary: "In this post-party scene from The College Years, I really thought it would be effective to have Minh wake up wearing nothing but a full-length floral skirt. I briefly toyed with the idea of him waking up in a haze wearing a purple zoot suit, but decided that the skirt had a more nuanced comedic value."

Of course, I would make sure to destroy all copies of Minh Le Seasons 11-17: The Awkward Years. No one needs to see that again. Once was more than enough.